October 28

Hi papa..How's heaven today? Can't wait until it's my day to see that wonderful place and be with you again. I'm doing OK. I'm worried about mom though. Wish you were here so badly. My boss had weight loss surgery a month ago and I've been telling mom about it. She's seriously considering getting it done. She's going to the doctor Thursday to discuss it with him. Dad, I'm at a loss for words. I've been trying to get her to understand she doesn't need it done. She's beautiful the way she is. She's mom. She's Bev. She's wonderful just like she is. I worry about her doing it cuz of her age, cuz of her blood pressure problems and all that. I worry her doing it and being alone. I know auntie is right there but still. Her and I are about the same size and I would never fathom doing it. I don't think it's safe. She's already lost a lot of weight since we lost you. She's fine the way she is.  I worry about losing her and if that happens, I'll be lost. I know we will someday but hopefully not for years and years to come. She's always the one who's always there for me whenever I need someone to talk to, vent to, cry to, laugh with, she's my loudest cheerleader. She's my best friend and the only person besides Joe that I can talk to about anything and not be embarrassed. I think there's more to it then losing the weight. I think she's sad and still depressed about losing you and I think she's a little lonely. She keeps herself busy so she doesn't have to think about things but she's apparently slowed down enough to start thinking about things. I mean, if there were things she couldn't do... like walk up stairs, even just a few or get in and out of the bathtub cuz of her size, tie her shoes I might understand but she can do all those things. I know her knees are hurting her but I don't think it's so much cuz of her weight. I think it has to do with the falls she took at work and also her age. God made her fluffy and made me fluffy. We are who we are. I'd like to lose weight too but I know what I need to do and that's get off my lard butt and move it and stop eating so much dang sugar and watch my portions. I've done nothing about losing weight since we lost you. I've gained 23 lbs since me and Joe got together and he thinks I'm perfect the way I am. I beg to differ but if he's happy, heck, so am I. How I wish you were here to hug her, remind her how beautiful she is, how special and important she is to so many people and tell her she does not need to have this drastic, irreversible risky surgery. I'm trying daddy but she's not hearing me.
In other news of my world, work is going OK. Still waiting to get my bonus that we earned. Was supposed to be on our last check but it wasn't so hopefully this next one. Need to get Hoochee fixed and get my title and tag crap taken care of for my car. Also start thinking about getting Christmas presents and Joe's birthday is coming too. Gonna try to find him something special, working on it. It'll be tricky though cuz we do everything together so gotta get it somehow so he doesn't know about it. Haven't really talked to Robbie. I guess Shaun is going to try to get him to enroll in the community college and take some graphic arts classes. I don't think either one of them realize that you have to take core classes before you take the classes you're going to school for. Whatev. I'm not much a part of their world anymore, I'm on a need to know basis,  getting kinda used to it. I was looking at my ex mother in laws Facebook page the other day and she has this post on there about Shaun and it says something about he's living in Utah now and is happily married. I had to LOL cuz that's like saying he and I never were. We were at some point, not towards the end, but sometime in the 20 years we were. Or I was anyway. I don't think she ever really liked me but just between you, me and the hole in the wall.. I didn't ever really like her. She was always so judgmental. Always acted like Shaun did no wrong. I remember when she came in 2000 and I suspected Shaun was cheating on me she told me I should just accept it cuz I was doing nothing to hold on to him as far as like wearing makeup and trying to lose weight. I was who I was and I didn't wear makeup cuz he always accused me of cheating on him if I went out with makeup on. It's whatever. He is no longer my problem or even a thought to me. I'm elated in the position and place I am now. Joe is an absolute blessing and gift from God above and I thank him every single day for such a wonderful, caring man that I know without a doubt truly loves me. Guess I'll go. If there's a way you can, let mom know you are still here with us. Give her a hug, send her a sign. Daddy, she doesn't need that surgery, speak thru that doctor and tell her. I love you. I miss you every single day. (forehead kiss!!-- Huge Hug) Talk to you in a little bit.

October 14

Hi dad. How be you? I'm ok. I miss you. I was piddling around on the Internet and came across our old place. It's only 21K. Lol. I'm sure being a foreclosure they didn't fix the sewer problems. Its a nice thought to toy with the idea of getting it back but I also think that's a chapter of my life long gone and over with. It wouldn't be the same. Plus it's more room than Joe and I need. Being in the garage would be hard cuz that was where you hung out when you came. Seeing Rob's room empty would be impossible. Betcha he'd move back though. Dreams make the world go round, huh? 

Work is going ok. I'm so ready for Missy to come back. She's supposed to on Wednesday. We made bonus, did I tell you that? I ain't never made bonus before. Idk how much but still sweet I'm getting one. We need to get Hoochee spayed and I need to get my title n tags taken care of so probably use it for that. Hopefully. That's the plan anyway. Nothing else has been said about me moving up yet but if my competition is Chase and Josh, I'm in like Flynn. 

We got to see mom last week which was great of course. Time always goes by too fast though. Joe and I helped her by cleaning out her garage and Joe hung pictures all around and her clocks. She'll never be late cuz she's got lots of clocks. :) I'd like to get some more time off and go up and help her go thru those tubs. I'm sure we could have one heckuva garage sale or donate a lot to some good cause. Snick was so happy to see her. He knew right where we were when we were getting into her area. He perked up, was looking out the window, shaking his nub. Lol. He's not sure about her floor though. He'll get the hang of it, I think a good manicure may help too. I think he needed her as much as she needs him. I feel a little better knowing she's not alone. Alone sux sometimes. I'm worried about her knee though. I think it's the same one she hurt when she fell at work. Next time we go I wanna go during the day so we can go to the donut bank in Evansville. That place is neat and the donuts are so yummy. We went to Villas when we were there. I like that place. Deb made that yummy soup for us, for me. I love that stuff. Mom made that cinnamon chocolate cake. I wish I had brought more of it home with me. Only brought 4 pcs and I've devoured them so I'm all out until I see her again. I should probably get the recipe, huh? Mom is doing ok, she's sad and I think probably lonely too. She still misses you as do I. She keeps herself busy with church things or her quilting. Her and auntie galavant, I'm glad she's got her to be with. Her n auntie are real close and I suppose if I can't be there, she's the next best thing. The drive home was long. Seemed long. Joe kept dozing off so it was hard for me to stay awake but I did.  We got home about 430. 

Don't know much else daddy. Suppose I'll go. I love you papa. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

September 27

Hi daddy. It's been awhile since I've posted here. All is well. I am happy. When I started this blog it was a way for me to feel like I still had a connection to you, to help me keep my sanity, so we could still have our talks but this blog has helped me heal in a way. I also realize no matter how many times I post it's not going to bring you back. I still miss you every single day, I still miss our phone calls, our visits, your hugs, your advice, your silliness, your laughter, your orneriness, our heart to heart talks, just hanging out together. So many times I still just wanna pick up the phone and call you to tell you about this or that, tell you I miss you. I still have your number in my phone, can't get myself to delete it. It's been over three years now, I should be at a point where I'm ok with how things are but I'm not, probably won't ever be. Life is what it is, for the most part I've adjusted ok. Things have changed so much since you left. I've already told you most of these. Me n Shaun broke up again, for good, for the better. We lost our house. Mom has retired and moved and is enjoying being retired. My son moved almost 1000 miles away from me and I have no idea when I'll see him again. I found a guy that absolutely truly loves me and I'm absolutely crazy about him too. I've learned that time is like a band-aid that covers your wounds letting them heal at their own pace. You never get over it but thru it. Mitch Albom has a book called The Five People You Meet in Heaven. Saying there are 5 ppl who have the most impact or influence on your life. 5 people who are on your path that somehow mold or change your life. I think my 5 ppl are you, mom, Robbie, Joe, and idk my fifth. I'll have to think about that. Shaun was a big part of my life but I don't think he's my fifth. He's a chapter in my story but I think that's all. I wonder who you woulda said were your five. 

Mom went on her cruise this week. This has been the longest week ever not being able to talk to her. She's sent me a msg here and there telling me where she is but we didn't really get to talk. I guess this is what it's gonna be like when she comes home to you except there'll be no messages. I've missed her a lot this week. Can't wait to hear all about her adventure. We're taking Snick home to her in a couple weeks. Looking forward to seeing her, spending a little time together. Weather able she's gonna come the whole week of Thanksgiving. My boss is gonna let me be off almost the whole time she's here. Gonna have to work 9 straight to be able to do that but it'll be worth it. Her and I don't spend enough time together. 

I don't know a whole lot else. I miss you dad. I feel you walk with me at times and those are good days. We went to Harbor Freight tools the other day, remembered how you liked that place. Joe said he thinks it could become one of his favorite places. I think sometimes how you and Joe woulda got along famously. He is pretty amazing. :) Guess I'll go for now. I love you daddy (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. 

August 12

Hi daddy. How be you? I'm doing ok. Wish I could just call instead of this. But this is all I got besides memories. I don't know a whole lot. Life is good. I'm happy. I still find Joe absolutely amazing. Crazy how one person can make your upside down world all right side up again. He is a blessing and a joy. He keeps your daughter so happy and is taking excellent care of her. My birthday is Thursday. Idk what he has planned but I'm sure it'll be great. Think we'll go to Red Robin for lunch then ima make BBQ ribs n potato salad for my bday dinner. Joe might make my cake, might buy one. Be cheaper to maybe buy one. Idk. Rob is sending me something. A card or picture he drew.

 Mom is gonna get Snick back in October. I was really hoping it would work out with him with us. Having other animals to be around and us to give him attention. He's become so introverted since you left. He acts like he's been beat or idk, so sad all the time. I think losing you did more to his psyche then we can see. He pants a lot for like no reason. Is so stubborn about going out. Hides when there is the slightest amount of noise. He's just so odd. So different. It's sad cuz he used to be such a happy puppy with you. Joe tells him he's not a dog. He's not, we know, but he's not being the Snick you knew either. I think it might do both mom and him good to be back together. I'm sure it must be quiet being in her house all alone. Snick makes an excellent door bell. I'd feel better knowing she's got a little protection. He may think mom disappeared too. 

Work is going good. Joe's too. Life is just pretty alright right now. Today I was talking to my boss and she asked about how the store looked this morning and I told her. I didn't want to cuz it's becoming a broken record, Chase or Josh not doing something.. She said I consistently have good closes. That made me feel good. We talked about assistant manager and she said the position is mine.  I just need a little more time being shift manager then I'll get the books. Excited cuz it means salary and insurance! So, for once in my life, well, in a long time, I have a goal and ima reach it too! ;) 

I don't know much else. I miss you so much dad. How I wish you were still physically here but it's nice knowing you are always with me, watching over me. Guess I'll go for now. I love you papa. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

July 14

It's been about a month since I last posted here but ya know I'm always thinking of you. So, here's what's been going on. Nothing really, just life. At work, I got certified for shift manager. It wasn't that hard. A little nerve racking but that's cuz ppl from corporate were there and we were so incredibly busy cuz we were having a special on fish sandwiches. $1 a piece. It was only a two day special thankyajesus. There are a few things I still need to smooth out but overall it's ok. There's a lady that works there who's been there 11 years and she tries telling me what to do. Tries telling the other ppl what to do. I don't wanna be disrespectful to her cuz she's older then me and tell her to stfu but its grates my nerves when she does it. Have to figure out how to handle her. When I send my cook on break the window is full but then we get hit and I'm scrambling to cook up what we need. Little things but I'll figure them out. Still wanna be assistant manager someday so I just have to keep that goal in my head and not let stupid things and ppl bring me down. Had to take a food safety class and I got 2nd highest score in the class. :) Really icked me out though and when I go out to eat now I'm really paying attention to the servers and all that. 

I got to see mom and auntie on the 17th. It was what I thought it would be, just lunch and go back our separate ways. About an hour. It was good to see them but wish it could have been longer. I don't know when I'll get to see her again. That's always the toughest part. Having to say goodbye cuz I never know when I'll see her again. I get scared sometimes cuz I worry it'll be like it was with you. She's fine, we just talked, then I'll get that call that she's gone to be with you and I won't get to say goodbye. Just have to look at her lying there and wonder, now what? She'll wear purple and Woodrow will be there too. Gosh dad....this makes me miss her even more! She's going to Kansas this week to see Richard and them and idk what else. Just pray she's careful and safe. (Mom, I know you'll read this....I love you lady! Be careful!) 

Thought Rob was gonna come back but things calmed down and he's staying. About a week ago, Rob called me sobbing cuz Shaun was gonna kick him out cuz Rob refused to go to job corps so I got things arranged with mom and Aunt Norma to get him home. He refused to come, said dumdum calmed down and he was going to find a job. He still doesn't have one, and things are the way they were. I don't think Rob should have gone to Utah to begin with but he wouldn't stay cuz of Joe. If he'd just give Joe a chance he'd see what a great guy he is. But he won't so all I can do is be there to calm him down when Shaun explodes again, which we all know will happen again. 

Joe and I are good. Been together 11 months tomorrow. Things are so different then they were 11 months ago and for that I'm thankful. Joe has brought so much happy to my life. Showed me being happy and doing for myself is ok and what I'm supposed to do. He'll clean up the apartment then I'll get home from work and not have anything to do. It's definitely different and way kewl. 

The other night I was drifting off to sleep and was between dream land and awake and started to see you and grandma and the other ppl in our family who've passed away and y'all were saying come on, it's time. Tell him goodbye. My eyes were filling with tears in my dream and for real and I kept saying, no I'm not ready to say goodbye. I don't wanna come yet. I can't say goodbye yet. Y'all kept urging me to come and I kept saying no. I woke up bawling and saying no, not yet I can't tell him goodbye. Joe thought I had done lost my mind but holy moly dad..it was so real. I can't wait to see you again, when that day comes I will embrace it. For now, I think I'm just gonna embrace having such a good man to love and that loves me back. Guess I'll go for now. Love you daddy! (Forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit.  

                         

June 15

Hey papa. Not much to say today.. That 3 year mark is approaching. There are days I still try and figure out why you had to go. Guess God musta had a reason. I love you daddy. Miss you more then you know. You were the best dad EVER!! I remember your beautiful blue eyes, your large, rough hands from all the hard work you did, how funny you were, how much fun we'd have together, our breakfast dates -- some of my favorite times with you were these cuz it was usually just you and me. They say that a girls first love is her father and you certainly were mine. You took such good care of us and even though you were gone a lot for work, we still knew who you were, how you were. You were such a big, grumpy grizzly bear growing up but you had a soft side. When Rob came along you became a whole different guy. I loved watching you two together. I know you always thought I wasn't stern enough with him but we all raise our children differently. Rob has stayed that sweet kid you knew when you left. I'm so thankful that you got to be here for his 16th birthday and that Christmas, who knew it would be the last one we'd share. I guess God did. There's been more birthdays and holidays since you left and none have been the same. Father's day is probably my least favorite because, well, you're not here. No more Minmarks I get to make for you. No more sappy cards that make you tear up. No more searching for that perfect gift just to make you smile. Tomorrow is Father's day and I hope being up there with our Heavenly Father it's a wonderful day. Take some time and go fishing and enjoy it.  I love you papa... so much. (FOREHEAD KISS) Talk to you in a little bit.





We miss you so much dad. Wish you were here.

June 10

Hey papa. It's been 1090 days since you left us. Every day of those 2 years, 11 months and 25 days hasn't been the same with you gone. Good thing I'm not counting.  I wish you could be here. I wish you could call us from Heaven. I wish that I could see you if even for just one more time because I'd never let go when I hugged you. It would take a host of angels to get me to let go. I know that the past can't be changed and all we have is now so I guess I'll let you know what's going on now. We have this older guy that comes in and gets a senior drink, they are free. He is a nice old guy. He reminds me of you. He always tells me thank you for being so nice to me. I always tell him, its no problem at all being nice to you. Makes me think of you and smile.
Work is going ok. I'm going to get certified soon for shift manager. I'm excited, a little nervous, but I got this pop! It was going to be Wednesday but I think it's gonna get pushed back another week. I'd rather be ready ready then just hoping I'm ready. I really like my boss. She is super nice. I like the ppl I work with too. Most of them.
Me and Joe are doing great. I got so lucky this time dad. Joe is absolutely a total and complete blessing to me. He loves me so much. Loves me like you loved mom. I think the world of him too. It's been almost 10 months we've been together. He and I are closer then Shaun and I ever were. I feel loved and know I'm loved and feel like I belong here. Like he wants me around. You know with Shaun I didn't feel like that. Truly believe God gave me Joe. He truly is my best friend.
I haven't talked to Rob lately so not sure what's up with him. Last I did talk to him, he had informed me he walked in the Gay Pride parade supporting Rafe who was walking to support the Atheists. Oy vey daddy. I just want my son home. Want him back here with me. I know he'd never come back though unless Shaun made him because he has his LARP bs and no one to really listen to. Shaun barks orders at him but how much of it Rob obeys who knows. I tell him that we could get him enrolled in a few classes, maybe find a part time job and he could just get his feet wet in the real world. But he wants to be in Utah. I miss him so much dad.
I was thinking when they left town what if something happened to Joe, I'd be all alone. I think I'd probably move up to Illinois. Even though I don't wanna live where they have winter for real and all that but I'd be closer to family, closer to mom, closer to somebody who loves me or at least tolerates me. Probably would live near mom, maybe Terre Haute. But me and Joe are going strong and unless the good Lord takes him away from me ima bloom where I'm planted at the moment. I like it here for the most part. Financially I'm doing better than when me and Shaun were together. Joe lets me take care of the bills but he's interested and involved when I pay them. Shaun never was, he didn't wanna know, just wanted to know if he had money for cigarettes and coffee. There always seems to be money left after bills are paid and that is a wonderful feeling. It's not a lot but enough to get us thru until the next check. We're living paycheck to paycheck but have what we need. We're gonna start rebuilding the savings account soon as we can. The wedding depleted it but it was definitely worth it. I used what you gave me for things I needed. Things I had been wanting, paid some bills off. I used it wisely daddy. It was more than I ever expected but it helped me so much. I woulda much rather had you back but I was told that wasn't an option. Dog-gone-it.
Gonna go see mom next Monday. I'm so excited. I'm glad she's living closer, wish she lived here in Georgia, here in my neighborhood. But she's only 6 hrs away. Hopefully I can sometime get a couple days off in a row and have the money and go see her. Surprise her. We're going to meet in Fort Campbell and have lunch. It's never enough time together. Auntie is going to come with her. That makes me happy too. Auntie has always been like a 2nd mom to me. She's def my favorite aunt. Always has been. I really liked Great Aunt Bess too but didn't know her as well. Snick is doing ok too. He's odd though, never realized how odd he is when he was with y'all. He doesn't like walking on the linoleum or the hard wood floors and idk why. He's very selective as to when he'll go outside. He usually always goes for Joe but like 3 out of 5 times goes for me. He snorts like a pig sometimes and he's constantly licking his paws. I think it's a nerve thing, idk. We have a white water dish and bowl for him to eat out of. If there is the slightest amount of noise he'll go find a hiding spot. Just an odd duck but I love him.
I don't know much else. I don't have a day off until Friday. UGH! I hate when I work like 7-9 days before I get a day off. Makes for such a long week. Thankful I have a job but I'm tired! Guess I'll go for now. I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.