March 20

Hey papa.. Sunday was Bristol and OMG daddy.. it was a Blast!!! If you coulda been here I so woulda taken you with us. The seats were uncomfortable but it was still so fun! I haven't watched racing since Dale died but I had so much fun. It was so loud and so fast. Not as many accidents as we thought would happen but enough. Joe roots for Jimmie Johnson and he was doing good. Started in like 9th and worked his way up to 2nd. Then he hit the wall at almost the end of the race and got knocked out of the running. Kasey Kahne ended up winning. His first Bristol win. He's a new guy, you might know him. I think Joe said he came on the scene in like 97. Not sure. But my first Nascar race and it was awesome. : )  Traffic was a nightmare but overall it was a great day! So wish you coulda been there in person, cuz I know by golly you were there in spirit!
 Shaun and Rob are leaving on April 1st now instead of the 5th. It's gonna hurt so bad when Rob leaves. Shaun has been nice to me this week. He boxed up a bunch of stuff I had wanted before and he wouldn't let me have. Now that I have it I have no idea where I'm gonna put it. I'm gonna go thru things and probably get rid of a lot of it. Just knowing I'm not gonna be able to see Rob is what hurts the most. I see him about once maybe twice a week but still I get to see him. Not knowing when I'll see him again about kills me. I asked for the 5th off so I could see them off and then he springs this on me today. I don't know if I'll be able to get the 1st off now. I was bummed the whole rest of the day. Crying, upset, Joe just hugged me and let me cry. He is a complete blessing to me.
I thank God every single day for him. I wanna believe that you had a hand in it too. That you and God sent him to me. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I wish I had met him 20 years ago but I know that I was meant to meet him when I did. It was part of His plan. His divorce should be final in the next few weeks, then we'll be able to get married. I can't wait. We're 7 months in and I still am crazy over the moon for him. Still find him absolutely amazing. I wish you coulda met him. Time for me to go get him from work. I love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

March 3

Hey papa. Happy shoulda been anniversary! 46 years. An amazing feat, especially this day and age. The good Lord only saw fit to give y'all 43 years but that's still a mighty long time. I was always so proud of you two for sticking it out. I was like one of the only kids in my class who still had their parents married to each other. One of the only kids to be able to say this is my mom and dad, not mom and stepdad or vise versa. You n mom was the shit! Lol. Growing up I was always your little girl and me n mom were close too. It was nice growing up, looking back now, to know I always had both of you on my side. Even when I was wrong, which I know wasn't often but...lol... I think if you were here you n mom woulda gone to eat, maybe the movies, then just relaxed the rest of the evening. Just spending time together. I miss you papa. Wish you were here so I could hug your neck.
Don't know much. My new job is ok. Only thing that sucks about it is I'm not getting as many hours as I'd like. Going to talk to her about it this week. I quit Krystal thinking I was going to be getting 40 hours or at least close to it and I'm not. This last week I was "training" and she said once I was trained I'd get more hours. Let's hope I can at least get 30 hrs. I'm happy to have found a job so I could get out of Krystal but not worth it with so few hours.
Me and Joe are doing great. Wish I had met him years ago. Still find him absolutely amazing. He has a beautiful, shining aura. He makes me so incredibly happy. Thinking back I might have found Shaun amazing when I first met him but that feeling didn't last long. Think the only reason I stuck around was for the financial "security", not that he worked but the money he did get helped and I never thought I could make it on my own. I know now I could. Ok, we'll maybe not now now with the job I have but if I coulda kept my temper and put up with the BS, I'd be doing just fine if I was alone. But....so very thankful I have my Joe. Together he n I are wonderful. That feeling knowing that I'm always gonna have someone who loves and fully accepts me for me. I feel loved, know I'm loved with Joe. With S I wondered, questioned, doubted it but with Joe, I know. Guess I'll go for now. Gonna change the wax in my warmers. I love you papa. I miss you so much. (Forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit.

February 27

Hey Papa.. Not sure what to think dad. Shaun is telling me that he and Rob are planning on moving to Utah. Nothing is definite yet but looks like it's going to happen. Shaun is getting back together with his first wife and thinks they have a future together. I don't but maybe she's into lazy and crazy. Shaun has all the grandiose ideas of how things are gonna be in Utah and who knows, maybe things will be OK and he and Judy will work out but I don't think she knows what Shaun is really like. I mean the lazy, sleep all the time, I'll do what I want and overdo what I have no idea or business doing. Whatever. It is what it is. I just worry for Robbie. He's 19 going on 12. He has no want to do anything. Just stays in his dungeon all the time playing video games and drawing furries. Yep, he's still into that crap. Shaun has found a Larp group for him to join and some Furry group out in Utah. Rob is of course excited about that but seriously... its ridiculous lame crap. Larp is Live action role play.. like dungeons and dragons for grown ups. Shaun is still holding out that Rob is gonna get on social security. I think its a shame that Shaun has Rob believing that's all there is for him. The possibility of getting money for nothing really. Thinking that's how life is or supposed to be. Rob can work, he is able to do anything really.  He just has no desire at all to get a job, even try. Shaun is totally running with the he has Asperger's thing and OK, yes, he has Asperger's.. doesn't mean the government should pay for Rob to sit on his butt cuz of it. Makes me sad, makes me feel like I somehow let him down, didn't do something right but I know dad, I did the best I could with what I had. I was a damn good mom to him. A stellar mom compared to Shaun's parenting. He lived the first 18 years of his life giving a shit little about what Rob needed, wanted, was all about. Then when I leave, then he's interested. I gave that kid whatever he wanted for the most part and tried to instill in him what life and the real world are really like. He was all gung ho and ready to go for it and then boom, he has no want to do nothing. He says it's because of me leaving and getting with Joe. OK, fine.. if there needs to be someone to blame, let it be me but OK, blame laid.. let's move on. Get on with life in the real world. When he was growing up I didn't want him to turn out like Shaun and he has completely become his dad.
Moving on, that subject annoys the crap outta me!! I quit Krystal, finally, for good! I'm working now at Long John Silver's. Getting minimum but that's OK. I'm still working and I am happy. I really like it so far. I was thinking today how mom was so involved in the church then all that happened and y'all moved out to River of Life and she decided she was gonna be a pew sitter.. so, I think I just wanna be a pew sitter for a little while. It's awesome to go to work, do your job and leave when you are supposed to. Just later, see ya. I know it's not always gonna be fun or a great time but right now, it is. I don't know much else. I had more to tell ya but I got sidetracked and I gotta go get Joe from work so I will talk to ya after a bit. I love you papa. Miss you more than you could ever know.. well, I bet you know.. cuz I'm sure there are days you are up in Heaven wishing how much you could be here with us but I also bet that Heaven is an amazing place and anyone would be crazy to wanna leave. Just save me a place, K?! (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

February 12

Hey papa. Here's what's been happening. Let's see.. made it to Illinois to see mom. We started the day with a stop in Murfreesboro for a Scentsy thing. It was kinda neat but way boring. I got some kewl stuff though. We left the thing early cuz I wanted to get to mom's before dark, by dark and holy hanna.. we got lost and a 4 hr trip took us almost 8. I was sooooooo mad! Our directions said to merge toward 65 and we missed the next step saying get back on 24. So we took 65 all the way up and had to boogie back to 64 and then we finally were back on track. It was quite irritating. There was road construction in Nashville and we got locked into this one lane for 65 but thought we were going right so didn't think anymore about it until I passed exit 81 on 65 and it wasn't the exit I wanted. We rented a truck to go get the bed. It was costly but the truck was nice. It was a 2013 F 150 with ALL the bells and whistles. It was NICE. Pirelli tires, back up camera, Sirius radio, power seats. Woo.. Joe was in love. Got to mom's about 930. Felt so bad we were late cuz she had cooked us a yummy dinner. That roast with the mushroom gravy and corn casserole and cinnamon chocolate sheet cake. Her blood pressure is up and I'm worried about her. Especially now since she's all by herself. I mean, she has Auntie just a couple blocks away but she's just there in this little house, alone. I worry about her so much that she might have a stroke or fall and no one would know or I don't know, something. I worry she's not going to enjoy being retired, that she'll get bored and depressed cuz she's not working. Hopefully after she gets her house together she'll find something to spend her time on. It was good to see her even though it was a very short, too short of a trip. I wanna get some time to go up there and just be with her. Hang out with her like I used to but don't know when that will happen. Since Joe can't drive it'll be kinda hard to leave town cuz we both won't always be able to be off the same time. Still trying to get my night schedule back. Funny cuz when I worked at East Ridge I did nothing but days and wouldn't do nights but when I got to Lee Highway I got put on nights and like it. She keeps giving me excuses as to why I can't be on nights and it's all bunk. She is just mad at Matt and doesn't wanna work with him. He needs days, I need nights so I don't see why she won't. She tells me I can't work with Joe but then scheduled me to work with him tomorrow night. Makes no sense to me.
She asked me if I was interested in moving up to assistant manager. Told her I had to think about it. Yes, it's more money but I'm one of those stupid ppl who'd rather be happy then rich. I like the position I'm in at the moment. Think I'll just stay where I'm at for now. Probably a mistake but it's my mistake. Comes with just a little more responsibility but its practically stuff I'm already doing. We had a manager meeting the other day and she tried to feed us this BS of we have to be on call 24/7 and sleep with our phones. Hmm, my thoughts on that are.. I'm not an EMT, fireman, policeman, nurse or doctor and I do have a life and other responsibilities outside of Krystal. She also tried to tell us that we couldn't have a 2nd job. Being apartment mgrs. we get $200 off our rent off the top and when I'm off we have apartments to clean, show, rent to collect, etc and I can't not do that stuff if I want that 200 off. Mom says I need to decide what I want. Think I have. I've seen Robin's true colors and they are ugly. I'll just stay where I'm at and do what I'm doing. Also think I'll start looking and applying for other jobs. There has to be something out there, some place.
We got tickets to go to Bristol in March. I am so excited. My first NASCAR race. Our seats are on the back straightaway on the pit side, 2 rows back.. sweet seats papa!! Wish you were here, we'd take you with us! Wouldn't it be a hoot!! I plan on doing a lot of things I always wanted to with Shaun but he never wanted to. Joe is willing to do anything I wanna do. Years ago when we I first met Shaun's sister Karen she worked for some radio station and got us in to see them practicing for time trials in Daytona. It was hella kewl and so loud. Haven't watched racing since we lost Dale Earnhardt so I guess it's time. Gonna be a blast!
I talked to Shaun the other day like a civil adult. Youda been proud.. lol. He told me that he's considering moving to Utah with Robbie because there are more opportunities there for them and his ex wife and him are talking about getting back together, yeah, like that'll work. BAHAHAHA! Whatever, if it makes him happy, whatever right?! I asked Rob if that's what he wants and he said not really but being with dad is better than being with me and Joe. Well, alrighty then. Good luck to the both of them. I'll miss Rob but I don't get to see him much now. I called the other day and asked if he wanted to hang out and he said, what for, there's nothing to do over here anyway. Hmm.. well ok.. yep, kinda hurt but he's an adult now so I can't make him do anything.  Ya know dad I was with Shaun for almost 20 years and never felt as loved as I do with Joe. Every single day he tells me how much he loves me, shows me, and every day tells me I'm beautiful. Every day. Even on the days I don't feel pretty at all. He is absolutely amazing dad. I thank God and you every day for sending him to me. Last night we were going to sleep and he hugged me and told me that I was a helluva woman and he's never been happier in his whole life. Shaun never said things like that. It's not just that stuff that makes me love him.. but he helps keep the apartment clean, he's a neat freak.. freakier than me! And he's always tinkering with things. I just love him to pieces daddy. I could go on and on about him. You woulda liked him a lot.  Don't know what else I know right now. About time for me to go get my Joey. I love you dad. (forehead kiss!) Talk to you in a little bit.

January 24

Hey papa. This is mom's last week in El Dorado. Mom is getting ready to retire and move this week. Auntie Norma and Patty are there to help her get the last of her stuff she's taking in the car and Auntie's van. Hard to believe she's really leaving El Dorado. I mean who thought she would, ever. I hope you two had a nice talk when she came to the apartment the other day. That's gotta be chilling to know that that was the last time she'd see that side of it until she's laying next to you. I mean, not in a morbid way.. but to just know you're not planning on going back until it's time to rest. Joe says that it's not really you laying there anyway. That your body is just the shell of who you are. Once you're gone, you're gone. Your shell remains. Makes it sound like you're a turtle or something but I kinda get what he's saying but still. Just sounds kinda cold and impersonal. It's you. But I also know dad that you aren't there. You are with Jesus. And I know that you are with all of us, in our hearts, walking with us in spirit. I still feel you, still see you. I know you are watching us and I know that you are with us. The other day we were some place and this older black gentleman came in and was wearing big smith overalls, a plaid shirt, a ball cap and those slip on shoes like you used to wear. Made me smile, and a little sad. Sometimes it makes me feel like it's you, in another person letting my heart catch a glimpse of you one more time.  Today me and Joe went to eat and this old couple walked in and the guy was wearing a cowboy hat like you had. The brown leather one. Just like it too daddy. It stopped me cold. I just stared at him, at that hat for the longest time. Joe asked me why I was staring at him. I told him. I don't think he quite gets the magnitude of what losing you meant to me. How it still affects me even though we're going on year 3. I don't think the pain of you being gone is ever gonna leave me, the ache of not being able to call you when I want to or need to.  Our weekly phone calls. To not be able to plan and be excited that you and mom are coming to see me. But time has at least covered the wound of losing you. As I'm sure as more time goes by it will be easier but not there yet. You'd have been proud of me, last night I went to get Rob to have dinner and next to a trash bin was an old ladder. Scooped that up for shizzle papa!! Rob said, that's like grandpa used to do mom. Yes son, it is. But I know you woulda gone through the trash can too. There was a decent chair there but didn't grab it, I shoulda though. In a couple of weeks I'm going to go to Illinois to see mom and get my old bed back. I'm excited for both of those even though it will be a very short trip. Also elated that I get to bring Snickee back with me. Oh daddy... He is THE best dog (furry little boy) EVER!!! I live right down the street from the park and I'm gonna be taking him and me for walks. Last time I saw him he had put on some pounds, as have I. I am so very, very excited to see him, get him, have him around for ever how long mom needs me to have him. I've always loved Snickee. I guess he is with Jennifer the rest of the week so mom can get stuff loaded and he doesn't freak too much and possibly run off. She said she'd get him Saturday before she leaves town but I hope she gets him Friday night instead. Give him one more night in his house. One last night, although he won't realize at first it's his last night there.
Don't know much else. We got our next month's rent down to 185, way kewl, huh?? Joe figures next month with the work he has to do March will be free. That'd be sweet!!! Guess I'll go. I love you dad! (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

January 9, II

This song makes me cry but Dad, I know I'll see you again.. and I can't wait for that day!!! xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxo

January 9

Hey Papa..

  Happy Heavenly Birthday Dad!!!! :) Wish you were here!

Today you woulda been 69. Shoulda been 69, but God was ready for you to come home at 66. Doesn't seem fair and I know it wasn't nearly long enough. I don't know much. Just wanted to tell you Happy Birthday!! Oh, I guess I do have something to tell ya. Me and Joe are the new apartment managers here where we live. The other ppl, well, the guy who was doing maintenance sold a truck that was in the back parking lot that wasn't his and went to jail for a little while and his wife/girlfriend who was the manager was told by the landlord to not let him back on the property and she brought him back so they are getting evicted and we are taking over. The landlord gave us this list of stuff we're responsible for each month and we get $200 knocked off our rent for it plus Joe will earn money for doing the maintenance stuff and that will come off our rent too. So, heck we could  be living here rent free if we work hard enough. Lol.. OK, would take a lot of work to get us there but next month's rent is already knocked down to $310 so whoop whoop!! Guess I'll go. I love you dad!!! Happy Birthday!! (BIG FOREHEAD KISS) Talk to you in a little bit.