January 21

Hey there papa!! I guess Karma takes time but she finally got around to doing her job. Randy is no more but unfortunately Melanie is still around. I guess, from what I hear, Randy got fired.. was requested to come to the home office and was let go. But.. from other things I hear he is saying he quit. I find it hard to believe he quit a high paying job that provides hellacious benefits, one of those being a "really cool, loft apartment".. ain't no girl worth giving that up for. On her facebook page she has now added she's engaged to Randy.. guess it's no secret now. LOL! Can't believe this is the place I work. Fast food.. whoda thunk. Just hope now some of this drama.. heck.. all of this drama can end. And it also means that Melanie is fair game. The managers no longer have to worry about doing or saying something to her when she's not doing her job. 

   Rob was exempt again from finals. He has been like every year. If he has good attendance and grades he gets to miss out on finals and you know he has both. He was out yesterday and will be out on Monday too. New semester starts Tuesday. He'll have classes like Econ and Zoology. Hope he does well in them. He's doing good in school. Has 2 A's n 2 B's.. one point away from an A in one of the classes. He'll be graduating before we know it.

   Been off since Thursday. Been kinda boring. I need to find something to do with my time off. Just been doing a whole lot of nothing. Lounging about with Jake. He's a wonderful cat. He thinks when I lay on the bed he has to lay on me. I keep telling him I don't need held down but for some reason he seems to think I do. Don't really know anything. I just wanted to say hey. Haven't really talked to mom in a few days. I know she's getting ready to start her busy tax season. I think this might be the last one for her. I know it's going to be hard for her to tell her friends and clients she's done and they need to find someone else. But she deserves to enjoy her retirement.. just wish, as I know she does, that she could be spending it with you. With you here. I know she probably wouldn't be planning a move to Illinois if you were still here. But it is what it is. Not all the wishing and praying in the world can bring you back. I still find it hard to believe it's been almost 2 years since you left. A year and 7 months. How I wish you never left. I miss you so much dad. I'd better go. I love you. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

January 9

Hey papa... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
OK.. so it should be your birthday today but well, hard to celebrate with you so far away. I hope it was nice anyway. I thought about you a lot today. Every time I'd write 1/9 on any of the things I had to date today, you were right there but then I'd have to keep it together and keep working. I mentioned to Randy, our prick district supervisor that today should have been your birthday and he says, well that's cool. He doesn't understand what cool even is. You being gone certainly isn't cool, the big dumb ox!! I've lost what little respect I had for the guy cuz it's been revealed that he's been messing around with Melanie.. that slut I was telling you about last post. I guess they've gotten engaged and she's moved in with him and all this.. just ridiculous if you ask me. Sick and ridiculous. She's 29 and he's 53 and STILL married. "Working on a divorce" they say. Plus she's still playing Donnie, trying to see him on the side behind Randy's back. She is trifling!!! It's all just a bunch of drama and BS. She was to be transferred from our store to another district cuz of this little affair and we find out today she has to come back to our store until things are done "through the proper channels".. meaning that Randy was trying to get her out of the district so they could still be together and it backfired. Randy told us the talking has to stop and we have to be nice to her. Like we don't have the sense to watch our P's n Q's so we keep our jobs.. whatever we say gets back to him so we have to. Ray, Randy's boss, was in today and I talked to him a little bit. He said he may have to ask me more and I will gladly be the one who drives the nails in someone's coffin. Would love to the both of them fired. I know, bad attitude but what they are doing just ain't right. I stopped by to tell you Happy Birthday.. not bore you with all this drama. I miss you so much papa.. love you even more. (forehead kiss!) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

December 30

Hey papa!! My last post of 2011. I just wanted to stop by and say hey before we get to 2012. There are days that I still can't believe you are really not here. It's been 561 days since you went away. 80 weeks that we haven't got the joy of seeing you or hearing your laughter or felt your hugs or seen your smile. 13,540 hours since our last phone conversation and I can still remember everything we talked about and the last words we said to each other.  Yes sir.. I MISS YOU!!! I know mom does too. I'm guessing we aren't any closer to getting your case settled and I so wish we were. To give mom some peace and some closure. I know most days she is strong but she still has her days she misses you so much all she can do is cry. I totally understand that. Some days I'm just in a funk and can't get you outta my head. I think when I go to work in the mornings and there is a full moon, it's you shining down on me - letting me know that you miss me too. I like to think that anyway, true or not. Helps me cope a little I guess.
Tomorrow your #1 grandson turns 18. Can't believe it daddy. Time has FLOWN by. He's grown up to be quite a wonderful young man, but you know that. Thank you for all your guidance through the years with him. I'm honored that you got to be a part of his life for 16 years. You were such a wonderful grandpa, as fine a grandpa as you were my dad. You seemed to change from the grizzly bear you were to a docile cub almost when he came along. I still remember the silence on the phone when mom called you from the hospital to tell you he was here and what his name was. "It was written on his umbilical cord" she said.. :) He has your eye and hair color and I think he got his stubborness from both you and Shaun. I'm not sure what the next chapter of his life will be but I'm sorry you're not gonna get here to be a part of it, as least physically. I know Rob still thinks of you and misses you. He said the other day that it's nice to get cards from grandma but just not the same with your name not there. So true.
With 2012 coming I'm not going to waste my time saying that I'm gonna resolve to this or that cuz I never stick to it. I have no stick-to-it-ness.. but I can at least try to change some things in my life hopefully. Of course, one of them will be my weight. Sick of being the size I am, even though Shaun says there is nothing wrong with me.  I just stopped doing anything, hell, caring period when we lost you.  I was making some progress and thankfully haven't had that much a gain back but also unfortunately no loss either. I guess I'm to a point where I have to try again so, gonna give it another go. Wish me good mojo pops. Also gonna see what I can do about getting a better paying job or just more money coming in, whether I take a 2nd job or Shaun gets one (quit laughing). We're also talking about moving after Rob graduates. Idk where yet. We've talked about going back to Kansas, if Shaun could get the OK to drive a truck from the Dr. We've talked about us team driving. I'm sure I could do it but I am a bit intimidated by those big trucks. We thought Kansas so if Rob needed something he would be closer to family (that would help him) if we were out of town. We've also talked about moving to Florida. Some place in the middle. Away from Orlando but close enough if we got jobs at Disney.. dreaming, I know.. not near his mom though. I don't really care, just as long as we are together. Moving to FL brings it's own problems cuz it would hurt mom's feelings if we moved farther away and if something happened to her I'd be even farther away. I know, even if I was in El Dorado something could happen to her. We've also talked about just staying around here. I'm not sure where or what will be do but we will do much thinking and praying about it before we do it.
I'm on Shaun's computer and he is lurking and pacing so I guess I better go. I love you dad. Miss you too. Hope your New Year's Eve is quiet as you and mom always liked them. I will be in bed promptly at 9pm that night cuz I have to work on the 1st so I will say hello to 2012 when I wake up at 430am. Love you!!! (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

December 23

Hey papa.. today is Brian's birthday. Your #1 son. I know he'll say it's just another day. I guess when you get older your birthday doesn't just mean as much as it did when you were a kid. No one seems to really care or remember.. that's how it seems for me anyway.. on my birthdays. But I'm hoping he can find something to make him just a little bit happy today. Shaun always says, it's your day and your job to make it special.. easier said then done I can testify to that. Mom's was last Saturday. I'm sure if you were here you woulda treated her like the queen she is. I hate being so far from her. I guess she's found another place she likes in Illinois.. went up over the weekend a couple weeks ago and signed the papers for it. I kinda got on to her cuz none of us kids knew she was driving all the way up there.. what if something had happened to her?! I know she's grown and can do what she wants but still.. I worry about her.  I guess Brian is having a lot of hard times. He said he's losing his house. I feel bad for him cuz even though it's a 'cracker box'.. it's his cracker box plus he's helped me out in so many ways through the years with money and we can't help him now when he needs it. The new company he drives for I guess pays nothing much and he's struggling to make his bills. I can totally understand that.. that's us, like, always.. you feel so helpless and the ends never quite meet. He fallen behind on his house payments and pays what he can and they won't accept it cuz it's not the full payment so I guess he's gonna just give up. He said Tanja's parents were going to come pack him up and help him find a place to put his things. He said something about he and mom are talking about him taking over your house when mom moves to Illinois. He said if that happens maybe he can get some of his stuff down there now, like one of his fish tanks. I don't know if mom even wants a fish tank in her house. Like she needs something else to do. I don't know if mom is really giving him the house or what but I guess it makes sense.. if he can make the payments and takes care of it. She and I haven't talked about it and that's fine too. This is between her and Brian. Richard and his family have their own lives there in Derby and we are here, even though we will be looking for a place in April.. but still, we know we're not moving back to Kansas any time soon, if ever. I would like to be closer to mom but I still don't know what the future holds for us. I just know I'm sick of moving. We aren't going to renew our lease when it's up.. our landlord sux and does nothing for us. We have things that have been broken or needed attention for months that we can't get him to come or send someone reliable to tend to them. It's merely just a place to stay.. not a home.
In other news from my world.. work is going OK I guess. We have this girl there that I can not stand. You know that I usually can warm up to about anyone but this heifer is something else dad. She's an instigator and lies and whines and I don't know dad.. I just hate her. My schedule gets screwed up cuz she's not getting the days/hours she wants and I have to play nice so I don't lose my job but you can bet I don't wanna play nice. I only talk to her if I absolutely have to but mostly walk away when she talks to me. I take her orders to her and she says thank you and I say go to hell as I walk away...not loud enough to be heard but still.. helps me get through the day. :) She just does all this childish crap and is lazy. Stands around with her hands in her pockets or eating food she didn't pay for or texting someone and she's a master cashier dad!! I just don't get it. I busted my hump to get that position and work hard all day and she does nothing and nothing is said to her.  She'll do just what she has to do to seem busy when the higher ups are around but then does nothing after they leave and the mgr lets her get away with it cuz she'll go to the higher up and complain and then he comes down on the manager about it. Plus she's dating Don, Shaun's brother, that makes it all the more annoying. It's just childish high school BS. Sure makes me wanna find another job. I had a time when me and Donna didn't get along but now her and I are a lot closer then we were and talk all the time. No, I don't see that EVER happening with me and Melanie. Everyone tells me give it time and the BS will blow over but daddy, this field is FULL of cow pies that I don't see blowing away anytime soon.. even the manager told me yesterday she regrets letting her transfer to our store. OK.. next subject...  our niece, Stephanie, called the other night crying that her dad had told her he wants her out of his house and she didn't have any place to go. She's 18. She wanted to know if we'd let her come here or if maybe Judy would let her come down to Florida for a little while. I don't see her going to FL cuz when Steph came a few yrs ago she ended up staying at our house cuz Judy couldn't handle her. Judy and Laurie, her mom, are telling us to steer clear of it and let things just chill out at home, that Steph is a liar and lazy and we don't know what we're in for if we take her in. But dad, she's family. Shaun worries if we take her in if she's going to be lazy like they say and if she comes how long will she be here. He wants her to understand that she's not coming for just a few weeks.. it's gonna be for a while and she's going to pull her weight. She has this boyfriend she's gaga about and he worries that she will be constantly upset about being away from him. We need to talk to Stephanie's dad to get the real story and find out what is really going on. If it's drama or fact before we make any decisions. I just don't know if we can talk to him.
Boo will be 18 next week dad. Can you believe it? I wish you were here. I'm so thankful that you were able to be here for his 16th birthday, it meant so much. Who knew it would be the last one we shared. Mom helped me and we went in together to get him a really kewl present.. he's gonna be so excited. Just hope he takes care of it and doesn't lose it. Can't tell you what it is just in case he should read this. ;)   Got the bill the other day for his graduation supplies.. in five months he will graduating from high school.. time has FLOWN by. Wish sometimes he was that cute little ornery 5 year old he use to be and we were just starting out but I'm also thankful and so proud of the young man he's becoming. He has so many dreams and I wanna see him go after every one he truly wants. We discussed him going to mom's after graduation for a few months.. probably the summer... unless he finds a job there that he wants to keep. Mom is gonna let him work at her store.. well, not work.. but still.. get his feet wet in the working world. I think if anyone can teach him anything about doing a job properly it's mom. I don't think you get to be manager just cuz no one else wants to do it. She knows her stuff and she can teach him a thing or two. She can also teach him the ins and outs of money. I'll have to talk to her about that.. hmm. Well.. I'm rambling again.. I love you so much dad. Miss you so much too.. miss our talks, our phone calls.. Christmas is just a couple days away. Hope your cabin by the lake is all decorated and warm. If I could wish for anything for Christmas, I'd wish for you to come back.. but you get to spend Christmas with Jesus himself and that's way kewl. I miss you dad. I love you. (big forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

November 26

Hey papa.. hope you had a good thanksgiving. I suppose I did. I made a traditional spread. Turkey, stuffing, sweet potato puff, green beans and pumpkin pie. I did OK. What did they serve in Heaven? Who'd you get to sit by? I just imagine that the meal was spectacular and you had more than enough. I think mom went to Richard's. She took Snick with her. I'm glad she did, I bet Snick had quite the time.
I've been off work since Wednesday. For some reason I got four days off this week. Can tell you I don't like it. Really hurts my paycheck. Also, too much time off gives me too much time to think. Think things like how I wish I could disappear. I've been watching these shows on Netflix about ppl that have disappeared. Gone away on their own or by other means. I don't wanna be dead.. just gone. Just go away for awhile away from everything. Not have to worry about money, getting bills paid, cleaning house or anything. Just in a suspended state where I just worry about me and what I want. There isn't anything wrong with my state of mind if you are worried about that. I just, I don't know.. get tired of the daily in and out.. the same old thing. Not feeling appreciated, feeling like I'm here to do for the guys, feeling like I'm just here to serve. I guess all wives and mothers feel that way at times. I remember our talks about this very subject. I was thinking the other day, wondering.. if you are up there thinking that we've forgotten about you by now. I'll have you know, dear sir, we have not.. nor will we ever. I woke up at 530 again this morning and was laying in bed thinking about you. The accident. What Snick must think when mom goes away on long trips. I think about what you might have been thinking or doing on that day. Running errands with Jack and Katie and Snick.. taking them where ever you had to go, stopping by the post office and picking up the mail, getting the yellow card that showed you had a package but you had gotten it too early so you didn't know it was your Father's day gift from me. Stopping to get mom's tea, going back to the house to drop off the dogs and probably telling them you'd be right back, then going to the church.. on the back roads, driving as you always did. Draped across the wheel, chewing you tobacco, listening to your music, just you and your thoughts.. then you get to that intersection and our worlds fell apart in an instant. I get mad when I think about the SOB that hit you. How he's never even said sorry. Never reached out. I hope that he has trouble sleeping at night, even now. He has no idea what a wonderful man you were. How you were so loving and giving of yourself. I get mad that the stupid lawsuit is still dragging on and I feel like all the lawyers involved, even mom's, are taking their own sweet time to get this settled. You were wrongfully taken from us. It's clear cut, he was on a road he shouldn't have been without the proper license, speeding and didn't yield or even look when he entered the intersection. I have mixed emotions about what mom says about if it hadn't happened there it would've happened somewhere else. Maybe she's right. But I don't know dad. We don't know. Maybe that following week when you had had that surgery something would've happened. But maybe you would've lived to be 90.. who knows. I just wish we could've found out. I miss you so much dad. I look at pictures of you and think why you. Why my dad. Why my friend. I think how unfair life can really be at times.
I told you about Bill having cancer.. that guy that reminds me so much of you.. I guess he's not doing well at all. He's lost a bunch of weight and all his hair. I've heard they don't give him much time. That's sad cuz he's such a nice guy. When he goes, I don't wanna know.. but when he gets to Heaven, look him up.
I guess I'll go.. I've done enough thinking for now. I love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

November 14

Hey papa.. made it there and back to Illinois to see mom n them. Took out early on Thursday AM and the whole way there I'm thinking I should just turn around and go back home. Something in me was dreading the drive. Something in me was telling me to turn around, or take a nosedive off the highest bridge I could find.. but I kept on going. I got there around lunchtime like I planned. I felt so outta place, like I shouldn't have been there. Like I was intruding. Mom assured me I wasn't but still I felt like maybe I shouldn't have been there. It was so good to see mom though. She looks good. She's lost some weight. Seeing Richard was about like I thought it would be. We got along and I even stayed in the same room he was in but I stayed guarded cuz I'm still not sure about him. I gave mom the hug from you. I hope she holds it close and puts it some place close by her so she can always look at it and know it's a hug, from you. The rest of Thursday was OK. Friday they got up early cuz the boys had to go put flags out for Veteran's day. I was up early anyway cuz I couldn't sleep and my body was telling me it was time to get up. I am my father's child, for sure. I couldn't sleep late if my life depended on it. Up every day before the crack of dawn. We had breakfast and then mom n me went to Oblong to a quilt shop. It was kinda fun, and it was nice just being alone with mom. I really miss her. I hate being so far from her. It'll be nice when she's only 7 hrs from me. As long as we don't move farther south. She bought a house about five minutes from Deb's. I think you might like it. It's quite blue. I guess the ppl that lived there really liked blue. Every room and the carpet is blue. The bathroom needs some updating but it's OK if you're like 5 foot tall. I hope she's happy there. She won't be moving there until spring of 2013 but I think maybe by then the work she wants to do to it will be done and then she and Snick can move right in. I just worry that they will smother her with attention. I begged her to not let them stifle her voice. When she needs help, she will ask and if she doesn't want to do something, I hope she speaks up. Mom is becoming pretty independent so I'm sure she's got this one on lock.  

When I first saw Aunt Norma I was worried about her. I thought that her Lupus was acting up again or she had cancer. Her face is swollen from taking a steroid the dr gave her for her ankle. I didn't look at it but mom says it's quite gross. Something happened to it and it's not healing and I guess it's been several weeks and should be healed by now but it's not. Aunt Norma, of course, keeps her spirits up about it and doesn't complain about it. Uncle Al looks the same and so does Deb n Fred. The kids have changed but that's expected. I didn't even recognize Joseph. When he came out in the kitchen Friday AM I asked Peter who the strange child was following him. He's a bit of a brat too. Peter has changed. He used to be this quiet little boy and now he's this chatty young man. Richard thinks he's gay but I don't know. He did do some things that you may think gay but it's not my call. Whatever floats his boat.   The rest of Friday was OK. We went to Villa's and got some stuff and then back to the house and then to dinner. The place we went was overrated. They were saying how good it was but I've had better. Maybe if I hadn't gotten half a head of lettuce with a chicken breast on it, it might been better. Their chef salad was a joke. But nothing else really sounded good. I did appreciate they letting me tag along though. The whole weekend I felt in the way. I went a couple places with mom and with Richard and that was enjoyable. Richard was nice to me but I couldn't talk to him like I talk to mom. He laughed at Rob's pictures and that upset me. His senior pics are so nice and he said so and then I showed all of them how Rob looks now and Richard laughed, the others scoffed.  I was told by everybody that I shouldn't let Rob have his beard and long hair and how I should make him get a job and continue his education after high school and a lot of other things about Rob that they I guess figure I haven't thought about. Made me feel like I'm a bad mom to Rob even though I know I'm not. I have told Rob he needs to shave and he needs a hair cut but it goes in one ear and out the other and we have discussed his future which always ends up in an argument. Idk what he's gonna do but Idk what I'm gonna do either. I have a possible opportunity to become a breakfast supervisor "in time" but idk if that's what I wanna do. I have to jump through all these hoops before I get there and it's only a $1 raise. I used to get pd what I would making when I babysat as a teenager. I don't wanna be a glorified babysitter or worry about covering a shift when someone calls out or work hours past 6pm. I like what I do now. Take orders and take care of my lobby. Do my time and go home. I still think I'd like to be a CNA but again, idk. I seem to never have the money to take the classes. Mom said I'm getting too old to not know what I wanna do with myself. She said being a cashier is fine but I have to want more.. well, I don't.. not right now. Made me feel like a loser. I know I'm not dad and she didn't mean to make me feel like that but like I said, I felt SO outta place being there. Like I was under the microscope. Mom n Aunt Norma are always figuring out everyone's lives. I guess I just didn't expect that mine needed to be figured out.

I left early on Saturday morning. About 530. I got up at 445. I had to get down the stairs in the dark and that was kinda creepy. The stairs are so high and steep. Made it down the stairs OK then I went in the bathroom and got ready and then noticed my cell phone wasn't charged so I plugged it in and stayed in there a while waiting for it to charge. I made it out to my car and got all situated then took off. I was gonna stop at Wal-Mart cuz I was gonna get some road munchies but couldn't tell if they were open or not so I kept going. When I stopped for gas about 3 hours later I got something to eat. BBQ chips and coconut crunch donuts.. yeah boy!.. Good stuff!! The drive home was OK. I made better time coming home then going there. Guess cuz of the traffic and all. Idk. It was great to see mom and it'll probably be 6 months before I see her again. Keep an eye on her and hold her close. I pray God keeps her safe this winter and Snick too. I wish I coulda seen him but she couldn't bring him to Deb's cuz of her fancy floor. He's such a good dog. You n mom picked a real winner with him. He was your best friend and I completely understand why. Guess I better go. I gotta get my uniforms ironed for work tomorrow. They changed my days off so I have 2 more days before I'm off. Thanks for riding along with me to Illinois n back.  Love you papa. (forehead kiss!) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

November 9

Hey papa... I'll be going to see mom tomorrow. I'm pretty excited. She is visiting Aunt Norma and them this week. Richard is with her. Idk what I think about seeing him. He and I don't get along very well anymore so Idk how it's gonna go. I will do my best to play nice. I'm sure he will put on this phony act of "hi sisser sisser".. yeah ok whatev! I know he doesn't mean it. I guess that's what bugs me about him. You don't know when he's being real. When you can trust him. I guess I should just need to be cautious around him all the time. Watch what I say and how I say it. Not let my guard down so that I don't get hurt by him again. Lord knows how many times he hurt you and mom. That sux when you can't talk to someone and just say what you want.. having to measure your words so you don't hurt their feelings or offend them. Rich n I used to be the best of friends before we grew up and grew apart. There's times I miss those days but also know maybe it's for the best. He has his life and I have mine. Odd though that me and Brian get along now and can talk and I cry when he leaves after he's stopped to see me given how it was growing up. Yes sir, I know this is a public forum and anyone can read this but this is also a conversation between you and me. A father and daughter. Even though, you're not here.. you still are. You always will be.  I could always talk to you.. tell you exactly how I was feeling, what was on my mind. I miss our talks. I miss you. 

Gonna be nice to have the next couple days off to be with mom. I haven't seen her since May, Aunt Norma since August 2010 and Deb n them since June 2010. It'll be nice to see them but I will feel awkward and out of place at their house. I feel like I'm intruding anyway cuz this is mom's vacation and I kinda invited myself to come see her. She coulda said no I guess. I'm gonna head out early in the morning. Before the sun rises hopefully. Be there by lunch time.

Guess what I was able to accomplish.. I don't know what it exactly means but I was able to finish a book... I love reading and since losing you I haven't been able to concentrate to read and I was finally able to read a book. It was nice.. started reading it and didn't wanna stop. A small step I guess in the direction of life. Oh.. did I tell you I found a gray hair?! My first one!! I was shocked, speechless.. yeah me, speechless! I plucked that baby right out my head. I haven't seen anymore and hope not to. Gray is so not my color. LOL!! I don't know much else. Gotta keep moving, gotta get to bed soon so I can go see mom. I love you so much dad. I will give mom a hug from you when I see her. Love you, miss you.. Talk to you in a little bit. <3