June 16

Hey papa. It's been 365 days, 1 year since you were ripped outta our lives. Gosh I miss you so very much. We all do. I had grand plans for what I was gonna do today and did none of it. Mainly cuz some ppl think apparently I have to do what they want. Boo and I ran to town to get a few things and then my afternoon was hijacked from me by Shaun. He has a friend who needed some help so we spent the afternoon helping him. I wanted to release a balloon for you today. Was gonna attach a note to it and hoped you would get it. I know that's silly but such is me. Was gonna bake today. Make some yummy dessert for tonight that I know you used to like. We had pork chops and sweet potatoes for dinner. It was good, you woulda liked it. Rob made dinner for us.  You've been away for 365 days... so, you ready to come back yet?? God knows I'd love for you to come back, so would mama and the boys. A lot of ppl would love to see your smiling face again, hear your laughter, get one of your great bear hugs. To see you walking towards them in your overalls and plaid or dark blue shirt, ball cap and boots. Would be quite a sight to see. If only my sweet papa. If only.
So what did I learn in the 365 days you've been away? That losing you really hurt and still does. In lots of ways. That you never know how much someone means to you until they aren't there anymore to talk to.. I know though how much you meant to me, I mean that I'm trying to not take for granted the ppl who are in my bubble. I stick close to home and near my guys. I hated being away from them when I was in Kansas but I did like being with mom. I've learned that ppl handle grief differently. Some ppl hold in their pain, while others try to act like nothing changed, some get really angry and hateful, and still there are others that try to understand why the person they loved so dearly had to go and somehow get lost in the process. I don't know which person I really am. This blog, these letters to you, have helped me some, I still feel like we can "talk" even though I can't see you or hear your voice. I've tried to come to terms with you being gone but I don't like it, not one bit. I'd gladly take your place if God would let me. Or maybe I could just come be with you since he apparently has no "give backs".  I've learned that God has been there trying to console me and help me understand by putting ppl in my life that apparently needed to be in it, like Susan - the grief counselor. She went beyond probably what she needed to being that you weren't even a hospice patient. She was just there when I needed a hand up. I was talking to my friend Charlene yesterday, her mom suddenly died on Christmas Eve last year. Moni. Anyway.. she told me she knows how hard it is to suddenly lose a parent, especially one that was so close to her, her mom was one of her best friends like you were one of mine. Her mom was fine, then she was dead. She told me that I have to understand that you leaving was God's will. That no one can change God's will. That God knew the day you were created, how and when you would die, how and when you would come back home to Him. Even though it's hard for us to understand, we have to learn to accept it. She told me to look at the positive things of our relationship and to not think of you being gone, it's like you are on a vacation. That you are up in Heaven having a grand time. It wasn't goodbye, it was see you later cuz we will be together again when it's our turn to have our vacations. It just might be a while until our vacations. Only God knows when. Charlene is probably one of my only friends at work. I really like her. There are other ppl at work I like but she's probably my favorite.  So if you see Moni, tell her she did a good job raising her cuz Charlene is really wise and one of the nicest ppl you could wanna know.   I've also learned that mom just isn't the same without you. She reminds me of a scared rabbit in some ways. Like, I see a couple of rabbits out in a field, eating the grass, playing and enjoying the sunset together and then POOF, one of the rabbits is suddenly gone and she's left there in the middle of the field, scared and not knowing which way to go, which way to run to safety, wondering where and why the other bunny had to leave. She keeps herself busy so she doesn't have time to think about things and I think it's just her way of dealing with things. I was so scared for her when you first left cuz I thought she would fall into a deep depression and die of a broken heart without you. Maybe that's why she stays busy.  You were her one and only true love and it breaks my heart that she has to be going through what must be the hardest thing for a wife to go through. I know as your daughter, it's been excruciating and your baby girl really misses you. I look at Shaun and there are the days that he drives me absolutely crazy mad but I am still after all these years, after all we've gone through and you know about all of it, crazy mad in love with him. It makes me smile knowing I'm still IN love with him. I wanna still feel this way when I'm your n mom's ages.  
Me n mama haven't talked much since I left Kansas. We've talked a few times but not a stay on the phone forever talking about nothing like we used to. I don't know what has changed or what's really going on. I've been really busy with work or trying to get/keep things straight around here. I get up at 430 in the morning and work from 6am until after 4pm and then have to be in bed by 9pm to do it all the next day. From Sunday to Thursday I don't really have time to be on the phone. I text her but she doesn't really respond much. I know it's cuz she's busy with work herself or mad at me for something I've said in my latest talk with you.. kidding...GJAB.  It's not like I expect her to hear the msg ding thing and say, excuse me customer who is important, I just received a message from my daughter who is more important than you and must respond immediately. LOL!! I know she's got a life and things to do. I know she's been trying to get the yard cleaned up and been busy with her book work.  Starting next week though my schedule is going to change. Off Tuesday and Wednesdays and Saturdays. My sleep/life schedule is gonna be all screwed up.  
   But I've also been keeping to myself a lot lately. There isn't a lot of room in the house and no real space to call mine. I guess I could sit in our closet but it's stuffy in there. I don't have a place for my computer to sit. Right now it's on the floor and the monitor is on one of those tv tray things in the bedroom and I have to sit on the floor to use it. Shaun said he's gonna get me a desk but there's really no reason to cuz we don't have the money and most times, just as I get on my computer he comes in the room to lay down so I have to shut things down so he can sleep. I will sometimes lay on the couch and talk to Shaun or get lost on some game on my phone or something.  Pish posh daddy. Enough of this pity party. Just wanted to tell you I MISS YOU AND WANT YOU BACK. It's all I've wanted since I called Auntie back that day when I got her urgent message and hear her tell me that "your dad was killed in a car accident this morning on his way to the church. I'm so sorry honey". I can still hear me crying 'Oh God, Oh God no.. no.. tell me your lieing, no Aunt Norma. I gotta go.. I gotta go.. I'll call you back'.. I exit the lunch room and fall on my knees in hallway and bawl.... I still wish this was some sick disgusting nightmare that I could wake up from. That you are gonna call me up and tell me where you've been and that you were sorry you couldn't call or let me know before now. We'd catch up on this last year and get on with our tomorrows. That you and mom would be coming down for a couple of weeks to stay with us and you could see our new place and meet Freddie and let me hug your neck. Oh how I wish I could. Guess I'll go. Tell God and grandma and grandpa I love them.  I love you papa bear. Talk to you in a little bit. <3

June 9

Hey papa.. fifty one weeks. Still wanna scream, It can't be true. You can't really be gone forever! But I've had 51 weeks, 357 days to let it sink in. Maybe I don't want it to sink in. Maybe I don't wanna believe reality cuz reality sux dad. Some days are better than others but Thursdays are still hard for me. I'm taking next Thursday, Friday and Saturday off. Those are my usual days off anyway but requested them special. I don't know how next week is gonna go. Ya know that guy I told you about that I think reminds me of you, Bill? He's a real nice guy. Still befuddles me some days when he's in there. He drinks his first cup of coffee sweetened like you use to and his 2nd cup straight black. Has two eggs over medium with sausage, toast and grits.. when he orders his breakfast I just smile a little and think of you. He comes in everyday. I've started talking to him more and he doesn't make me cry seeing him anymore. 

Found out today that my days off are gonna change. She was gonna change them next week but I had to remind her to check the request off calendar. So, starting the 20th.. my days off will be Tues-Wed and Saturdays. She said its just for 3 weeks, until they come re-certify me then it will go back to what they are now. I like my days off together. Kinda nice to have 3 straight days off. My 10 hr days kick my booty and by Wednesday my feet are killing me. I have to get some new shoes. Shaun said we will as soon as we can afford them. So, hmm.. the 5th of Never it looks like. He wants to take Boo to Florida if he can for a little while this summer. With Boo out until September 6th, makes for a very long summer and we wanna get him outta the house. He just stays in his room with his nose in his computer or video games, so not good for him. When we have him come out he flips. Asked Brian to maybe take him for a little while but he can't. He might get evicted outta his trailer and idk his work policy. He just got his job, would hate for him to lose it for having Boo with him. Plus he smokes too much, Rob would be so sick. Was gonna ask mom to take him for a few weeks but she got mad at me for my last blog so I gave up on that idea. Probably best he stay home. I don't know what she would do with him anyway.  Mom seems to get mad at me a lot for my blog. I'm having a talk with you and I get yelled at for what I tell you. Think you could maybe send me a bigger stick, I can't quite reach the bottom of the pot.. lol.. don't know much else. Gonna go get a shower and go to bed. There are storms in mom's area.. go keep an eye on her, k?? I love you daddy. Talk to you in a little bit. <3

June 3

Hey Papa.. Been thinking about ya a lot. As I usually do. Was thinking that Thursday, yesterday, it's been 50 weeks. 351 days today since you were so abruptly ripped out of our lives. If a year ago, someone had told me that I would be losing my so very much beloved father and best friend in less than 2 weeks I woulda told them, first, that they were crazy. And then I would have told you to be extremely careful. To stop at all stop signs, red lights and open intersections. To wear your seat belt, to stay off the country roads and that I love you no matter what happens. I know you were right with God so that wouldn't have been a concern. And you were all around a wonderful person, so there was nothing you needed to mend with anyone. I still think it's a little odd how you called me the Sunday before it happened and told me that you would be busy that week and you might not get a chance to call me but you wanted to tell me you loved me and to be careful. To tell me that you were thinking about your baby girl. I asked you what you were going to be doing and you said you were going to be helping John and had things mama needed done. You asked me how your little big man was doing and asked what he was gonna do for the summer. You told me that it was time that he learn to drive and get a summer job and we discussed the how's and why's he probably wouldn't. We talked about how Boo talks to his dad and you told me how wrong it was and to tell him that you were gonna thump him if he didn't straighten up. I told you I would call you on Father's Day if I didn't hear from you before then and we ended the call with I love you's. Oh daddy. If I had only known that June 13, 2010 was going to be our very last phone call I'd have kept you on the phone forever. Mama says that it was your time and if you hadn't gone in the accident you woulda gone another way, maybe more painful then the accident, cuz they told us it was instant. I never woulda wanted you to have had a heart attack or stroke or anything like that. But certainly didn't wanna lose you in a horrific car accident either. You were immortal and were supposed to live forever. Or at least into your 90's. Remember, we had that discussion more than once.

I will never get to buy you another Father's day card or present. Or Christmas or birthday present either. We won't get to see you at Rob's graduation. I remember you telling me, you'd be at his graduation if the Good Lord sees fit. I guess he didn't see fit papa. They've told us that time will ease our pain. They lie daddy. I still don't know why God needed you, why you were the one who had to go. I wanna call you so bad. I miss you so much. I wanna hear your voice and not just a recording of it. I want one of your hugs. You gave the best hugs.

Mom is still dealing with the lawyers and red tape. Hopefully that will all be FINALLY settled this fall. I guess mom has started cleaning out your shed. I don't know really. I hear that lots of stuff has been hauled off and that she is gonna let Richard get what he wants, hopefully Brian gets some things he wants too.  I guess it's time, I don't know. I don't think there will ever be a right time to do it. I just want you back. Stuff can and never will replace you. Not that any of us are trying to replace you with stuff. I guess just holding on to something of yours helps us hold on the the memories of you. Memories can never replace having you there either but I guess memories is all we have left now. I'm not mad at mom for cleaning out your shed. I guess she's ready and that's good. Kinda stings to hear that she's calling it junk. Yes, you were quite the pack rat but I don't know that it's all junk. Knowing who you were, I'd kinda like to see some of it donated to someone who could use it and not just tossed. But, I'm not there and mom needs to do what's easiest for her. They wanted in the shed that weekend we set your headstone. Maybe I knew where the key was, maybe I didn't. I just know it wasn't the time to be in there. But the key is found now and the work can begin. Just not gonna be the same though. Going to your house and your things gone. It's nto the same now, going and you not there. Mom said she's not erasing you, you could never be erased.  I know that she needs to go through your things and do something with them. I just wish, as I know she does, that it didn't even need to be done and that you were still here. 

I found out last Sunday that I couldn't go back to work as a master cashier. Just a lowly ordinary peon of a cashier. I was pissed. But it was good to be back to work. Seeing the regulars and getting back in the swing of things. Being back with my "family" at Krystal. Get this, even Donna has been nice to me. I'm not rocking that boat cuz you know how nasty she can get. I only worked 3 days but felt like I had worked 14 straight. My feet were absolutely killing me come Wednesday. My dogs were howling!!! As soon as I can afford it, which will probably be July or August--omg, I'm gonna get me some new shoes. Something more comfortable for work. Being on my feet 10 hrs straight about kills me. My ankles were so swollen Wednesday night and for the last two days my feet have been swollen like balloons. I don't know what's wrong with me. So swollen even that my toes are swollen and it hurts to move them. Shaun said it's salt. No it's not. You know I'm not a salt person. I don't know what it is. Just know my feet hurt and they are swollen. I think I'm gonna go to bed now. I'm drained. I took Rob to Lake Winnie, that cheap excuse for an amusement park that we have here. He got a free pass cuz he had perfect attendance at school thanks to me being such a bad mom for making him go everyday. It was lame. He rode a few rides but would only do select things. After he did them he was done. We were there about an hour n a 1/2. Figured out bills last night. Money is tight as usual. About sick of it. We'll have money the 17th but had to rob Peter to pay Paul and I had to tell Mary she's gonna have to wait cuz we just ain't got it. Sick of having to do that. I'm so tired of struggling each month just try to yank the ends together to get us through month to month. It gets to, do I pay this bill or not so that I can get groceries. I moved a couple of the bills back to the 17th so we have some money for food and gas. Just hope I'm not shooting myself in the foot cuz I was told I might have a weeks check on the 14th and I have at least one bill due then. Being an adult really sucks daddy. Really sucks. So many times I wish I could just be a kid again living under your roof and getting homework done for school the next day instead of doing what I'm doing. But then I wouldn't have my wonderful son and that handsome husband of mine that is across the room from me but I still would have you around. What a choice I'd have to make. OK. Going to bed for real this time. I love you papa. Talk to you in a little bit. <3

May 26

Hey papa.. I made it home safely. Got here on Friday night but not in one of my record times. I had to stop a few times to let the cats outta their box cuz they were fit to be tied in there. Would let them out for a few minutes then it was heck getting them to go back in it. I found the house, after passing it a couple of times, and quietly crept up on the porch and knocked on the door. Boo answered. He just smiled and said, how come I knew you would probably do something like that? You are sneaky like grandpa always was. :) Shaun was sleeping and had no idea I was coming. I fooled him the whole day. When he'd call me I'd tell him I was doing this or that.. stuff I did in KS on a daily basis. Lol. He got up when he heard Chocolate barking. I guess they were glad to see me. I was sure glad to see them. I spent Saturday and Sunday cleaning and getting things outta storage and where I wanted them. Made the house look like a home. I'm taking this week to gather my bearings before I head back to work. I went in today and started my paperwork but wasn't able to finish it cuz Ray has to get the email to OK my pay rate.. what I was getting when I left.. and override that I'm good to go as a master cashier and I won't have to start over from beginning to get MC. I'll be hella peeved if I do. I'm supposed to start on Monday morning at 6am. Daddy.. we live like 30 minutes away from civilization now. It takes like 30 minutes to get anywhere. It's kinda crazy. But you would love the drive. It's so pretty in some parts of it. I will have to get up at 4something to leave here by 515 to get to work on time. I'm gonna be working 6am to 4pm, four days a week. Works for me. Guess it depends on what the 4 days are gonna be and if I really do get to work my whole shift. Our new place is really kinda nice. Smaller than the place on Post Oak but nice. The living room is probably my favorite room. We have a fireplace.. that we'll probably never use.. and these two built in shelves on either side of it. Just the way it's set up is nice. If we should ever have company, we'll have to set up in the living room to sleep but that'll be OK. Met the landlord. He's nothing to really tell you about. Money hungry sums him up. His wife seems nice. There's this little red dog that runs around here. I guess the neighbors abandoned him and he's kinda taken to us. I think just cuz Shaun feeds him but he's an OK dog. Our neighbors that live in the backyard.. yes, dad.. the backyard.. ugh! I'd rather they not be there but I wasn't given that choice... anyway.. they are annoying and kinda creepy. They have a sensor on their gate so they know who is outside and the guy carries a gun around with him. I guess Shaun was telling me that he comes over here with it when he comes to work. Totally makes me uncomfortable. Shaun, as you know, is a pot stirrer and he calls the landlord and tells the landlord what they are or aren't doing. They are supposed to be doing stuff for him but aren't getting it done. I think Shaun needs to mind his own before he has a bullet in his brain. Wouldn't put it past the neighbor guy.

Jenn lost her dad Friday. Mom said she just seems to act like it's no big deal. I think maybe it just really hasn't hit her yet. Mom said that they cremated him and there will be no services for him. From what mom was saying he was cremated Friday afternoon. Scary. I know how you had always said you didn't want to be cremated cuz you weren't going to hell and had no desire to be burned up. I agree daddy. I'm sure that ppl who are cremated end up in Heaven or maybe down there.. so did you see him come in Friday? Would you have known who he was if he did? God knew so I guess that's all that matters. I don't know much else. Oh.. 

Boo is done with his junior year. He got all B's. I guess I'm happy with that. Given all he went through this year with me not being here, losing our house, where he had to live.. all that. He's gonna be a senior. Gosh.. where did the time go? We got info on senior pics the other day. No fricking way. I can hardly believe it's time for that. He won't start senior year until September 6th cuz they wanna have those two schools that got damaged in the tornado done so those kids can go back to their school at the start of the school year. Better go. You've been gone 49 weeks. That doesn't seem possible either. Wish you were here. I miss you. I love you. Talk to you in a little bit <3

May 18

Hey papa.. I'm heading home in just a few days. I'm pretty excited. I might get to go Friday. If not, Saturday. Mom is really sad about it. I understand, cuz I'm gonna miss her a lot too. Its been so good being here with her. She's been so great letting me stay here and taking care of everything. And being here with Snick. I totally understand why he was your best friend. He is the bestest little guy. Such a snuggly butt! I just love him! He and I didn't get out as much as I had hoped. But we still had a good time together. Just being together with him is kewl.
I got my bus washed yesterday. One less thing to worry about before I go home, so I thought. Its supposed to rain the rest of the week. Becky said though it will probably get dirty again before they are done with it so the lady who is gonna cover my last few days might have to touch it up. Shouldn't be too bad. Jeff changed my oil and checked my tires last night. Got my car all ready to go. Got my road munchies cuz you know how we roll. Stop just for potty breaks n gas and you do those at the same spot. Just gotta load up my car and will do that Thursday afternoon if I can leave Friday. Gonna be flying low cuz I'm ready to get home to my guys. Rob doesn't know that I might be home on Friday. Hoping to surprise him. The guys are getting the rest of things done so I don't have so much to do when I get there. Finally getting the last of their stuff from Judy's and gonna get our dining room table out of the storage shed. Woot woot!! That's one piece of furniture that I love. If we don't have time to spend together thru the day, taking that 15-20 minutes at dinner time is my favorite time of the day. It's my fave time with mom too. She's not busy and she talks to me. Just get caught up on our day. I think I mighta irked her last night cuz she made Chris a whole cinnamon chocolate sheet cake and I didn't get none of it. I pouted and whined and so she made me one too.. last night.. when she was all ready to be done and go to her room for the rest of the evening. I felt bad and tried to help her. She got it done pretty quick though. I did the dishes for her. Today she will make the frosting. That's almost THE best part of it. 
I think Snick knows what's up cuz he's been sticking real close to me lately. I think he knows I'm gonna leave soon. Wish I didn't have to but sometimes life doesn't always give you what you want.. it gives you what you need. And I need to get home to my guys. My children.. hehe. 
I was naughty today daddy. Just cuz I can be.. well, not just cuz.. that idiot lady that rides my bus puts her face and mouth on my seats and it grosses me out. I cleaned my bus last night and I thought that she would smell the stuff I cleaned with cuz it was stinky and not lean on my seats.. she didn't.. or it didn't bother her. So today I mention it to Becky and she says.. put cayenne pepper on there. So I did. I can't wait to see what happens!! I know, it was mean and not the Christian attitude but you can only be nice so long.  Well papa.. I would love to tell you more.. probably won't talk to you on here till I get back to GA so until then.. I love you! Talk to you in a little bit. <3

May 8

Hey daddy.. guess what?!! Rob Passed His Graduation Tests!!! All of them!! Oh papa.. I am so crazy proud of him right now. I've read and re-read the DOE website about the passing grades and he had to have 200's on everything and he got it.. his first try!  I've sent an email to his teacher to confirm it but as far as all the info I've read and understand he passed!  So, that means that he will get that diploma and not a thanx for coming certificate. He got a 212 on the writing test, 205 in english, 204 in social studies, 218 in math and get this..a 239 in science!! Oh papa, Oh papa!! I'm gonna surprise mom when she gets home for lunch. :) Yes sir, I will tell him that grandpa is proud of him too. HUGE hug!! Better scadoodle.. I love you papa!! Talk to you in a little bit <3

May 7

All of us..

Hey papa.. how are you today? Today we went and set your headstone like I was telling you. Your kids were all together and we got along OK. It's Mother's Day tomorrow and the least we could do for mom was get along, especially today. Yes, I saw you today. I saw you scoot around to the other side of the tree to avoid getting watered from Snick.. hehe. I think he was still confused. The poor guy. I'd hate to not be able to talk, to ask questions because I know if he could he would be asking where you were and when you were coming home. Why we keep taking him out to that place where we say you are and he can't see you. Why we keep crying. I think about when I have to leave in a couple weeks. I'm so ready to go home but I know that he will again be confused and sad. I'll be sad too. I've enjoyed being here with him and with mom. Being with Snick is kinda like being with you. You are just comfortable and know that there is love in the room being with him. Someone who will listen and always be there to have that someone to hang out with. He's been not very happy with me as of late cuz I've been busy running errands or having to work and he can't always go. He's been pouting and telling me, daddy would take me.. he always took me everywhere. he didn't tell me no. Well, I'm sorry papa... but sometimes I have to tell your best buddy no. 

It looks nice, don't ya think? 

We had a nice dinner today. Mom made brisket and corn casserole and dump cake. It was really good. She cooks on the weekends and she does an awesome job. Richard tried to fix the door latch thing on your bedroom door but couldn't find the tools he needed to finish it but the door shuts again so that's all that matters. Brian is well, Brian. He starts his new job on Monday. He's gonna work for Seward. Yes sir.. I know. He will probably be looking for another job before too long. He can't seem to keep his nose clean and out of trouble. He's 43 daddy. He should know by now how to play the game. Just do what the man tells ya and you keep the job. Crazy concept, huh? I don't know much today papa. Just wanted to talk to you about setting your headstone. I cried when we were done. I don't know papa. Just puts another piece of the puzzle together and I just wanna put the pieces back in the box and return it and get you back. I wanted you around forever. Till you were in your 90's at least. I wanted you to out live your parents. I think grandma was 66 or 67 when she left, and your real dad.. I don't know how old he was. And Delmar was like 66 too. If that's the case.. then maybe that's when we will get to join you in Heaven. When we are in our late 60's.  Who knows except the Big Guy. You know the rock thing I did for you.. It didn't weather, well, the weather.. see. But you can

still make out what it says. I do still love and miss you. Can you see that from Heaven dad? When are you getting the phone put in so I can call and ask you all the questions I have for you?? You really need to talk to God and see if this could be arranged. I know mama would really love to talk to you too. Tomorrow we are gonna take Brian back home. Spend Mother's day driving.. that's OK. At least we'll be together, if I can't be with Boo at least mom can be with 2 of her kids. Don't know much else today papa. I love you! Talk to you in a little bit. <3

WE LOVE YOU DAD!!