June 3

Hey Papa.. Been thinking about ya a lot. As I usually do. Was thinking that Thursday, yesterday, it's been 50 weeks. 351 days today since you were so abruptly ripped out of our lives. If a year ago, someone had told me that I would be losing my so very much beloved father and best friend in less than 2 weeks I woulda told them, first, that they were crazy. And then I would have told you to be extremely careful. To stop at all stop signs, red lights and open intersections. To wear your seat belt, to stay off the country roads and that I love you no matter what happens. I know you were right with God so that wouldn't have been a concern. And you were all around a wonderful person, so there was nothing you needed to mend with anyone. I still think it's a little odd how you called me the Sunday before it happened and told me that you would be busy that week and you might not get a chance to call me but you wanted to tell me you loved me and to be careful. To tell me that you were thinking about your baby girl. I asked you what you were going to be doing and you said you were going to be helping John and had things mama needed done. You asked me how your little big man was doing and asked what he was gonna do for the summer. You told me that it was time that he learn to drive and get a summer job and we discussed the how's and why's he probably wouldn't. We talked about how Boo talks to his dad and you told me how wrong it was and to tell him that you were gonna thump him if he didn't straighten up. I told you I would call you on Father's Day if I didn't hear from you before then and we ended the call with I love you's. Oh daddy. If I had only known that June 13, 2010 was going to be our very last phone call I'd have kept you on the phone forever. Mama says that it was your time and if you hadn't gone in the accident you woulda gone another way, maybe more painful then the accident, cuz they told us it was instant. I never woulda wanted you to have had a heart attack or stroke or anything like that. But certainly didn't wanna lose you in a horrific car accident either. You were immortal and were supposed to live forever. Or at least into your 90's. Remember, we had that discussion more than once.

I will never get to buy you another Father's day card or present. Or Christmas or birthday present either. We won't get to see you at Rob's graduation. I remember you telling me, you'd be at his graduation if the Good Lord sees fit. I guess he didn't see fit papa. They've told us that time will ease our pain. They lie daddy. I still don't know why God needed you, why you were the one who had to go. I wanna call you so bad. I miss you so much. I wanna hear your voice and not just a recording of it. I want one of your hugs. You gave the best hugs.

Mom is still dealing with the lawyers and red tape. Hopefully that will all be FINALLY settled this fall. I guess mom has started cleaning out your shed. I don't know really. I hear that lots of stuff has been hauled off and that she is gonna let Richard get what he wants, hopefully Brian gets some things he wants too.  I guess it's time, I don't know. I don't think there will ever be a right time to do it. I just want you back. Stuff can and never will replace you. Not that any of us are trying to replace you with stuff. I guess just holding on to something of yours helps us hold on the the memories of you. Memories can never replace having you there either but I guess memories is all we have left now. I'm not mad at mom for cleaning out your shed. I guess she's ready and that's good. Kinda stings to hear that she's calling it junk. Yes, you were quite the pack rat but I don't know that it's all junk. Knowing who you were, I'd kinda like to see some of it donated to someone who could use it and not just tossed. But, I'm not there and mom needs to do what's easiest for her. They wanted in the shed that weekend we set your headstone. Maybe I knew where the key was, maybe I didn't. I just know it wasn't the time to be in there. But the key is found now and the work can begin. Just not gonna be the same though. Going to your house and your things gone. It's nto the same now, going and you not there. Mom said she's not erasing you, you could never be erased.  I know that she needs to go through your things and do something with them. I just wish, as I know she does, that it didn't even need to be done and that you were still here. 

I found out last Sunday that I couldn't go back to work as a master cashier. Just a lowly ordinary peon of a cashier. I was pissed. But it was good to be back to work. Seeing the regulars and getting back in the swing of things. Being back with my "family" at Krystal. Get this, even Donna has been nice to me. I'm not rocking that boat cuz you know how nasty she can get. I only worked 3 days but felt like I had worked 14 straight. My feet were absolutely killing me come Wednesday. My dogs were howling!!! As soon as I can afford it, which will probably be July or August--omg, I'm gonna get me some new shoes. Something more comfortable for work. Being on my feet 10 hrs straight about kills me. My ankles were so swollen Wednesday night and for the last two days my feet have been swollen like balloons. I don't know what's wrong with me. So swollen even that my toes are swollen and it hurts to move them. Shaun said it's salt. No it's not. You know I'm not a salt person. I don't know what it is. Just know my feet hurt and they are swollen. I think I'm gonna go to bed now. I'm drained. I took Rob to Lake Winnie, that cheap excuse for an amusement park that we have here. He got a free pass cuz he had perfect attendance at school thanks to me being such a bad mom for making him go everyday. It was lame. He rode a few rides but would only do select things. After he did them he was done. We were there about an hour n a 1/2. Figured out bills last night. Money is tight as usual. About sick of it. We'll have money the 17th but had to rob Peter to pay Paul and I had to tell Mary she's gonna have to wait cuz we just ain't got it. Sick of having to do that. I'm so tired of struggling each month just try to yank the ends together to get us through month to month. It gets to, do I pay this bill or not so that I can get groceries. I moved a couple of the bills back to the 17th so we have some money for food and gas. Just hope I'm not shooting myself in the foot cuz I was told I might have a weeks check on the 14th and I have at least one bill due then. Being an adult really sucks daddy. Really sucks. So many times I wish I could just be a kid again living under your roof and getting homework done for school the next day instead of doing what I'm doing. But then I wouldn't have my wonderful son and that handsome husband of mine that is across the room from me but I still would have you around. What a choice I'd have to make. OK. Going to bed for real this time. I love you papa. Talk to you in a little bit. <3