June 16

Hey papa. It's been 365 days, 1 year since you were ripped outta our lives. Gosh I miss you so very much. We all do. I had grand plans for what I was gonna do today and did none of it. Mainly cuz some ppl think apparently I have to do what they want. Boo and I ran to town to get a few things and then my afternoon was hijacked from me by Shaun. He has a friend who needed some help so we spent the afternoon helping him. I wanted to release a balloon for you today. Was gonna attach a note to it and hoped you would get it. I know that's silly but such is me. Was gonna bake today. Make some yummy dessert for tonight that I know you used to like. We had pork chops and sweet potatoes for dinner. It was good, you woulda liked it. Rob made dinner for us.  You've been away for 365 days... so, you ready to come back yet?? God knows I'd love for you to come back, so would mama and the boys. A lot of ppl would love to see your smiling face again, hear your laughter, get one of your great bear hugs. To see you walking towards them in your overalls and plaid or dark blue shirt, ball cap and boots. Would be quite a sight to see. If only my sweet papa. If only.
So what did I learn in the 365 days you've been away? That losing you really hurt and still does. In lots of ways. That you never know how much someone means to you until they aren't there anymore to talk to.. I know though how much you meant to me, I mean that I'm trying to not take for granted the ppl who are in my bubble. I stick close to home and near my guys. I hated being away from them when I was in Kansas but I did like being with mom. I've learned that ppl handle grief differently. Some ppl hold in their pain, while others try to act like nothing changed, some get really angry and hateful, and still there are others that try to understand why the person they loved so dearly had to go and somehow get lost in the process. I don't know which person I really am. This blog, these letters to you, have helped me some, I still feel like we can "talk" even though I can't see you or hear your voice. I've tried to come to terms with you being gone but I don't like it, not one bit. I'd gladly take your place if God would let me. Or maybe I could just come be with you since he apparently has no "give backs".  I've learned that God has been there trying to console me and help me understand by putting ppl in my life that apparently needed to be in it, like Susan - the grief counselor. She went beyond probably what she needed to being that you weren't even a hospice patient. She was just there when I needed a hand up. I was talking to my friend Charlene yesterday, her mom suddenly died on Christmas Eve last year. Moni. Anyway.. she told me she knows how hard it is to suddenly lose a parent, especially one that was so close to her, her mom was one of her best friends like you were one of mine. Her mom was fine, then she was dead. She told me that I have to understand that you leaving was God's will. That no one can change God's will. That God knew the day you were created, how and when you would die, how and when you would come back home to Him. Even though it's hard for us to understand, we have to learn to accept it. She told me to look at the positive things of our relationship and to not think of you being gone, it's like you are on a vacation. That you are up in Heaven having a grand time. It wasn't goodbye, it was see you later cuz we will be together again when it's our turn to have our vacations. It just might be a while until our vacations. Only God knows when. Charlene is probably one of my only friends at work. I really like her. There are other ppl at work I like but she's probably my favorite.  So if you see Moni, tell her she did a good job raising her cuz Charlene is really wise and one of the nicest ppl you could wanna know.   I've also learned that mom just isn't the same without you. She reminds me of a scared rabbit in some ways. Like, I see a couple of rabbits out in a field, eating the grass, playing and enjoying the sunset together and then POOF, one of the rabbits is suddenly gone and she's left there in the middle of the field, scared and not knowing which way to go, which way to run to safety, wondering where and why the other bunny had to leave. She keeps herself busy so she doesn't have time to think about things and I think it's just her way of dealing with things. I was so scared for her when you first left cuz I thought she would fall into a deep depression and die of a broken heart without you. Maybe that's why she stays busy.  You were her one and only true love and it breaks my heart that she has to be going through what must be the hardest thing for a wife to go through. I know as your daughter, it's been excruciating and your baby girl really misses you. I look at Shaun and there are the days that he drives me absolutely crazy mad but I am still after all these years, after all we've gone through and you know about all of it, crazy mad in love with him. It makes me smile knowing I'm still IN love with him. I wanna still feel this way when I'm your n mom's ages.  
Me n mama haven't talked much since I left Kansas. We've talked a few times but not a stay on the phone forever talking about nothing like we used to. I don't know what has changed or what's really going on. I've been really busy with work or trying to get/keep things straight around here. I get up at 430 in the morning and work from 6am until after 4pm and then have to be in bed by 9pm to do it all the next day. From Sunday to Thursday I don't really have time to be on the phone. I text her but she doesn't really respond much. I know it's cuz she's busy with work herself or mad at me for something I've said in my latest talk with you.. kidding...GJAB.  It's not like I expect her to hear the msg ding thing and say, excuse me customer who is important, I just received a message from my daughter who is more important than you and must respond immediately. LOL!! I know she's got a life and things to do. I know she's been trying to get the yard cleaned up and been busy with her book work.  Starting next week though my schedule is going to change. Off Tuesday and Wednesdays and Saturdays. My sleep/life schedule is gonna be all screwed up.  
   But I've also been keeping to myself a lot lately. There isn't a lot of room in the house and no real space to call mine. I guess I could sit in our closet but it's stuffy in there. I don't have a place for my computer to sit. Right now it's on the floor and the monitor is on one of those tv tray things in the bedroom and I have to sit on the floor to use it. Shaun said he's gonna get me a desk but there's really no reason to cuz we don't have the money and most times, just as I get on my computer he comes in the room to lay down so I have to shut things down so he can sleep. I will sometimes lay on the couch and talk to Shaun or get lost on some game on my phone or something.  Pish posh daddy. Enough of this pity party. Just wanted to tell you I MISS YOU AND WANT YOU BACK. It's all I've wanted since I called Auntie back that day when I got her urgent message and hear her tell me that "your dad was killed in a car accident this morning on his way to the church. I'm so sorry honey". I can still hear me crying 'Oh God, Oh God no.. no.. tell me your lieing, no Aunt Norma. I gotta go.. I gotta go.. I'll call you back'.. I exit the lunch room and fall on my knees in hallway and bawl.... I still wish this was some sick disgusting nightmare that I could wake up from. That you are gonna call me up and tell me where you've been and that you were sorry you couldn't call or let me know before now. We'd catch up on this last year and get on with our tomorrows. That you and mom would be coming down for a couple of weeks to stay with us and you could see our new place and meet Freddie and let me hug your neck. Oh how I wish I could. Guess I'll go. Tell God and grandma and grandpa I love them.  I love you papa bear. Talk to you in a little bit. <3