June 17

1826 days since you had to say See you Later. I was hoping to make it thru the day tear free but didn't make it. I made mom something real special. I sent it today. I'll let you know what she says. Didn't do much today, after I mailed mom's package I worked on a curtain for Joe. Making it out of scraps from his quilt. I'll finish it tomorrow. Just hanging with Joe now watching a movie. I miss you so much. I wish 5 years ago hadn't happened but God took you for a reason even though we don't know what it is. I love you. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

June 15

Hi papa. In 2 days it'll be 5 years since you had to go. In that time a lot has changed. Some ways for the better, some ways not so...you having to go was the worst. I wanted to crawl in your casket n go with you. Definitely crushed my heart losing you. Took a while to heal n in ways it'll never fully heal. The pain of losing you never goes away. We've all experienced a lot of loss. Mom, her best friend n confidante, the home she shared with you (I think she had to, to heal)...us kids, a great father n friend. Personally, I lost my house, jobs (I quit them), Shaun (bad n good loss), my relationship with Rob (that was a group effort)...but I've gained a wonderful husband that truly loves me, a different perspective on life - how very precious it is, to tell the ones you love you love them. Always. To not take things so seriously, auntie's perspective to not sweat the small stuff cuz frankly it's all small stuff..Joe goes by that too. :) I'm happy again n being happy feels great cuz I thought my life was always gonna be what it was. (Dull n boring, mundane, constantly stressful n feeling like my life was at a dead end.) I feel at peace being with Joe n I'm always happy to come home after work, I used to hate to leave work cuz I knew S would be in a mood or put me in one. I still to this day don't understand why you had to go but one sweet day you n I will be able to sit down together again n you can explain it all to me. I always thought you were immortal, wished to the heavens you were. You were my hero, I looked up to you n yes, thought you walked on water. I know you weren't perfect but you were to me. This time of year is still a little hard for me but I'm doing ok daddy. I know you walk with me n watch over us. I still feel you around n see you at times too...in the smile of some customer that comes in, or when I see an old guy wearing overalls, plaid shirt n ball cap. The smell of diesel fuel still makes me smile, crazy I know. Joe is taking good care of your baby girl. Sometimes I think he gets tired of hearing me talk about how wonderful you were but no part of me cares if it does although it does hurt my feelings some. He didn't have the relationship with his parents as I did/do so I don't think he really gets it. Idk. 

I don't know what I'll do Wednesday to remember you, I was hoping to have lunch with Brian but he's not gonna be this way. Or maybe go up n see mom but don't have the time or money. Joe has to work..so idk...I'll think of something. Just don't wanna spend the week crying about it as I did years past. Losing you certainly wasn't a happy time but I also know you wouldn't want us to continue crying about losing you but to be happy n smile about the wonderful memories we created together n I promise I'll do my best, even though in this moment my chin is quivering n I'm fighting to keep the tears in. I love you daddy so much. Miss you every day. (Forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. 

June 1

Hi papa. It's been a minute since I've last messaged you. All is well. I'm no longer at Bilo but it's all good. I'm working at a place called Zaxby's now. It's a chicken wing place but they sell other stuff chicken related. I was just beyond miserable at Bilo n something had to change. Just got to my breaking point n walked out. Zaxby's is alright so far. They have a lot of crazy rules n methods but I guess that's what makes it work. It's the cleanest place I've ever worked, one of the busiest too. The place is always busy, from the minute it opens. Not getting bookoo hours but I'm employed n for that I'm thankful. Joe got promoted to mgr at his work, finally. I'm so proud of him. He looks so good in his mgr shirt. He's still getting trained but pretty much knows what he's doing. 

I don't really know much. Shaun told me he's got emphysema. Idk if I should be sad or what I'm to feel. All the years of smoking n not taking care of himself caught up with him. Rob has already told me he's going to stay with Judy when S does pass. Hurts my feelings but Rob is an adult now n I can't make him do anything. Rob is still working at the college, should be getting full time hours soon. Then he'll be able to take some classes for free. That'll be cool if he goes thru with it. 

Mom is doing OK I suppose. She just got back home from visiting Kansas. Guess she saw the usual ppl, most of them. Spent time with Richard. He's still a pompous ass. He told mom he doesn't talk to me cuz I put my nose in his business. Fuck that. Like his life is that secret n special. As if. What he fails to realize is I don't give a crap what's going on with him n his life. And he fails to understand life is too short to be a dick n let stupid shit keep you apart from family. I don't wanna be 'in his business', I just wanna talk to my brother again. Bully for him, he bought a house. So what. He could at least be civil n say hello, how ya been. It's fine, really. He stopped talking to me years ago, I should just accept it n move on. I told mom best I can do is be related to him. She wants us kids to get along n all that but it's kinda hard when Richard has this high n mighty shit don't stink my life is so private n important and I'm more entitled than the other two attitude. Fuck that. Who needs him. I do have a brother, his name is Brian and I love him dearly. I've seen bubby a few times this year, which is good. He gets this way more often it seems.      

I found this yummy peanut butter pie recipe he loves, you'd have loved it too. But when he comes we make several n he takes them back with him to his work n he sells them. His boss loves it too. Me n Joe jokingly said we should make pies n go thru truck stop parking lots n sell them. Give the drivers a bite of home. Apple, cherry, chocolate, peanut butter, coconut. Just little ones, like 5 or 6 inch pies. But we'll probably never do it. I'd never do it by myself. Don't know much else, in 16 days it'll be 5 years since you left us. Five long years. How I wish I was sending you messages like a do with mom n you'd respond. I miss you daddy. There's days I could really use one of your bear hugs. I miss those. I love you. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

April 20

I miss you like crazy. Some days are better than others, this is an other. Work isn't going OK. I'm hating my job n hate that I feel like that. This was to be the job to end all jobs. I was so excited to start working there. The thrill is gone. My boss sucks. I got put on 11-830s n yes, I was mad but I've since gotten over it cuz it's not changing n I'm closing with Daniel so it is what it is. But I made mention of some things I noticed as a deli lead that need attention n told Tim about them n it got flipped back on me n I got blamed n told it was because of my attitude and to figure it out. So he doesn't want to help me and the other deli leads aren't helping so I figured it out n just do the things myself. One mainly being the dang dishes. If we don't keep up on them thru the day at night there are so many you're doing dishes for hours n no one but me, Daniel n sometimes Kaitlyn do the dishes. I told Tim that needed to change n he tells me he's not a babysitter n wasn't going to help change it. When you're getting no help from the boss what do you do, go over the boss's head, which I have. I talked to Carol the other night n told her of my plight n she told me she emailed Bill, THE boss n told him what's up n I'm to get with him n see what can be done. I told her I wanted to be transferred to another department within the store or transferred to another store. She doesn't want to lose me, said it'd be a mistake if Tim let me go. We know this, right? But daddy I just can't stay there, not with Tim. Not with Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn is Tim's little pet, she chases after him like a little puppy. And the way she talks to ppl. Ugh. She makes my blood boil. I think ima go talk to the lady in charge at mission ridge store, it's about 10 minutes from here. That's the store I'd prefer to be transferred to. Idk if I can, idk if I should go over there but ima go. Joe mainly just wants me happy but I'm not feeling very supported. He says that with every job comes BS which I know but when you reach out to the boss n he snarks back, figure it out n it's because of my attitude, that's more BS than one should have to deal with. I don't wanna lose my full time n benefits but almost to the point idc if I do. Entertained the notion of going back to fast food, God help me, but I guess it's the structure n I guess, the organization of it. You know at what times you'll be busy, usually. You know at what time you need this or that done, if you get a good team it's like a well oiled machine n things just run smoothly. Not so chaotic n unorganized like it is in the deli. I could really use one of your big hugs about now. You've been in my dreams lately n idk why. It's like every night you've been there for the past few nights. You talk to me or we're walking some place...but we never get there or get to finish our conversation cuz you have to go n I wake up in tears. I miss you papa. So much. Guess I'll go. I love you daddy. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. XOXO. 

April 3

  Hi daddy!! It's been a while I know. Life is going good for your baby girl. Work is going OK. My boss had a meltdown a few weeks ago and I thought I had blown it but he had his fit, I had mine and we're past it. I'm on closes this week and it sucks. I'm not a closer. I'm a up with the sun opener type person. I told him too. Told him I rather hated my schedule this week. He agreed. Said it was the store manager who did the schedule. Uh huh, likely story.
   Mom was here last week. I was so glad too. Just to come home and have her sitting there was a good thing. Didn't really do much cuz we had to work but just being together was fun.  She brought Snick with her. She was convinced he was gonna come home to you while she was here cuz he was really tired and looked pathetic. Poor guy was apparently constipated. Joe took him outside and he was finally able to do the deed and was a much happier camper after that. I do think it's about his time though. Which makes me so sad cuz he's like the last thing we have besides our memories that keeps us connected to you. Joe doesn't understand how very special Snick is to me, to us. Mom saw some real pretty hearts that you can put ashes in that I think she might get so when it is time, she's going to have him cremated and put some in each of them and then the rest she'll spread on your apartment so you two can always be together.. but y'all will always be together anyway I know. Mom looks good. I think she's lost enough weight. I think she was fine the way she was before too. But she's happy and that's all that matters. I still worry about her. You know those feelings I would get when you'd come or I'd come there and then cry like a baby about leaving cuz I was scared it'd be the last time we saw each other... kinda felt that way this last time when she left.. I teared up when she pulled away cuz you never know when God is gonna be ready for you. Hopefully though it's gonna be a long, long time. I always was so happy for this older lady I used to work with at the bus barn who was in her 70s and still had both of her parents around. I thought that was hella-kewl.
  Things with Joe are still great. He makes me so happy. Our 2nd anniversary is in about 3 weeks. Best I Definitely Do I ever said. :) I wish you coulda known him and he you. You'd have loved him I'm sure. I don't know much more. I miss you daddy. If only for one more day... I'd never have let you go to the preacher's house that day.. driven the way you went.. something. But mom says, it was His plan and I suppose it was. When it's our time, it's time no matter what we do to avoid it. I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

January 22

Hi daddy. Everything is going splendidly. I got a promotion at work. Full time. 40 hrs a week. And benefits. Woot woot! So excited. My boss told me that he hopes to have me ready to take over my own deli in 6 months. Means I have to leave where I'm at but guess I have to to grow. I'm really really liking working at Bilo. I just don't know if I'll like wherever I'm transferred to. Bridge to cross when I get there. I don't really know much. Joe n I are great. Crazy in love with him I am. I miss you. I love you. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. XOXO. 

January 9

It's officially January 10 now in my world but in yours it's still the 9th. Happy birthday daddy! I've so much to tell you but I gotta go for now. Bbiaw. Love you.