January 15

Hi papa. Wish you could tell me how you are doing. Wish I could call heaven n talk to you. I'd call you every week, just like I used to. I so need to talk to you about mom. I don't know what's going on with her. I mean, she's fine but idk daddy, she's just into so many new things. Things that have me scratching my head wondering what happened to my mom. I think she's still looking for things to keep her busy so she doesn't have time to think about things. She's always found things to stay busy. Even more so since you left. She's working on becoming a chaplain. I mean, it's a noble thing to do but seems out of character for her. I mean, she's a good person, always has been, it's just odd for me to hear she's becoming a chaplain. I think of Rick or John. Not my mom. Not saying she can't do it, it's just odd for me. When she moved to Illinois she was going to find a church and be a pew sitter. shes way past pew sitter. She's still going to have that damn surgery. Still breaks my heart. Makes me worry so much about her. I just don't understand why all of this started. She says she's wanted it for 25 yrs. She wants to tuck in her shirt. I just don't understand why she can't just change her diet and keep going to the gym. She was supposed to retire and have fun. Not start a new life. She has me more concerned for her than before she retired. I just don't wanna lose her daddy. I don't think I could handle losing her anytime soon. 

Me n Joe are doing good. He still makes me so very happy. He treats me like a queen. I still at times have a hard time accepting that he truly loves me and wants nothing but my happiness. S never wanted that, never was good to me like Joe is. I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful man loving me. I thank the good Lord above for Joe everyday. He is one of my greatest blessings. 

Work is going ok. Have SERs coming up. Hate them, we clean, prepare and wait forever for the person to show up. It's somebody new too. Hear they are more thorough than who we had before. Just hope it goes well whenever it is. Things around here are meh. We have some tenants who have been letting her family stay with them and I've told them repeatedly they can't be there. Denny wrote up something for us to give him saying he's in default of his lease and they must leave. They haven't been home today to deliver it. I'm a little worried about what'll happen after we deliver it. The stepdad is a real jackass. We think he broke my antenna off my car. Can't prove it though. I also have a broken windshield. Last week coming back from Rome I was following a semi and he kicked up a rock and it hit my windshield. Can't afford to fix it so it'll have to wait. 

Don't know much else. I still miss you terribly. Wish you were here. The world's gone crazier since you left but I'm sure you're able to see all that from Heaven. Guess I'll go. I love you daddy (forehead kiss). Talk to you in a little bit. 

 Love you so much dad.

January 9

Happy birthday daddy. Wish you were here. I'd have sent you a sappy card and idk what else. I had court today for my bankruptcy. It went ok I guess. Now I just wait for my discharge. I was so nervous  about going. Joe said to think of it like divorcing my debt. I suppose but it didn't help. I was still nervous. Don't know much else. I love you daddy. (Forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. 

Made you this...

January 4

Happy new year daddy. It's now 2014. We're actually getting some winter weather. Saying rain changing to snow tomorrow night. Yuck. I'm doing ok. Me and Joe are great. Daddy, you'd have loved Joe for so many reasons but mainly how he loves your daughter. When I get home from work at night the house is clean, leaving me nothing to do and I find a note, a sweet romantic note, from him somewhere in the apartment. I've never been loved like Joe loves me and I adore it and him. You would have so approved of him. Heck, he'd have been your sidekick if we lived closer. Y'all like about all the same things. If only daddy. 

I go to the creditors meeting on Thursday. What would have been your 70th birthday, so I know you'll be with me. I'm a little nervous about it but it is what it'll be. Hold my hand that day, k? 

Ok dad, let's talk about the elephant in the middle of the room. You visited me in my dreams again last night. It was such a vivid dream, like I could reach out and touch you. I was confused though, I didn't understand why you were walking with those others in a line with the hoods on their heads. 

(Dream recap: We were some where with big pillars and like a huge court house, I kept asking anyone passing me if they made a decision yet, if they were going to let you leave and no one would answer me. Then you come around the corner in this line with these other men with their hands tied and hoods on their heads but you didn't have your hands tied or a hood. You saw me and we both smiled and you said, Hey kid! Glad you made it, tell your mother I'm ready for her to come home to me. And then you said, look at this. And you unbuckled your overalls and raised your shirt and showed me these awful bruises on your back. I asked where you got the bruises but then I woke up before you could tell me.)  Daddy, it was so real. You looked so different without your beard but those blue eyes were a sight to see. I laid in bed a few minutes trying to figure out where you got the bruises, maybe your accident? I don't know. I can only pray you come back tonight or real soon. Your welcome in my dreams anytime. I know you're ready for mom but can you wait a little longer? I'm not ready for her to go, maybe you know something we don't. Makes me feel even more against her having her surgery she doesn't need. Oh daddy. :( 

Don't know much else. I'll tell mom what you said, I love you so. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. XoxoxoX

December 30

Hi Papa.. It's been a day. That's for sure. Idiot coworkers, idiot customers, idiot ex husband, idiot tenants. Grrrr.. having a Monday yes I am. Let's start with coworkers, there's this guy I work with that is also a mgr and he half asses things all the time but gets away with it cuz he's been there so long. Just irks me, nothing I can do about it but be irked so I shall be. Idiot customers, old dude comes in and orders fish, slaw and hushpuppies, I ring up a 1pc fish with slaw and extra pups. He said, I wanted 2 fish after I total it out and give him his change, I tell him it's 1.81 for the other fish, he says he wants it on one ticket so I have to do a void to get it on one ticket. The way I rang it, his total was 5.43 then changing it so its all on one ticket made it 6.02, I promise you old dude, I don't care if it costs you more cuz I tried to save you money to begin with and you didn't apparently want me to so it is what it is. Deal with it. Idiot Ex, I call to tell him I'm wiring Rob's birthday money and he says OK we'll pick it up tonight, get me the confirmation number and we'll go do it.. I do it, call to give it to him and he's asleep.. for the night and it's 630 in Utah right now. Grrrrr.. I also put the wrong payout location when I did it so I had to call and change it to Utah so he could get his money. So hopefully it'll work out. I also called Krispy Kreme out there and ordered him 20 donut holes and a large chocolate milk. Hopefully dumdum doesn't screw that up for me. And our idiot tenants.. just some I'd LOVE to see leave. Just the usual BS from them. I loathe when its time for rent to be paid and all the sorted crap stories we get every month from the same ones. It's irritating.
Mom found out her surgery is going to be on February 10th. Oh daddy. I'm so not happy about it but it is her body and her decision. I wish she could see what a beautiful person she is and how much she DOESN'T need to do the stupid surgery. I was really hoping and praying that her going to the gym would be enough for her to lose the weight she thinks she needs to lose. She weighs less than me dad. And I would never ever do that surgery. Ever. I don't like this spot and that spot on me but Joe loves every bit of me, fat or not. He makes me feel beautiful even though the rest of the world doesn't see me that way. I know that losing weight, being a certain weight, is a personal thing and I'm not knocking her for wanting to lose weight but I just don't think surgery is her answer and I can't believe the doctor would OK this. If she was 2 tons of fun and couldn't walk and talk at the same time, I'd say yeah mom go for it but she's not. She's 66 years old, should be enjoying her retirement and she's just getting into the swing of things, she should be doing fun things like the cruise she went on and going places with Auntie, her quilting. Not fretting about what she weighs. It just makes me so sad and makes me wonder what's going thru her head. The WHY, I mean a good reason why. I told her I'd put a smile on and fake it but daddy, that's gonna be hard. Makes me wanna cry. I wanted to go up to help her after she had the surgery but it'll be Valentine's weekend and I wanna be with Joe on Valentine's day. She said Auntie will be there and that's good but I wanted to be there too. I think I'm gonna go eat a worm.
A couple more hours and my Joey will be home. I wish you were around so I could really talk to you. I need a daddy hug today in the worst way. I saw a tanker today and it just hit me out of no where and I was tearing up. I miss you papa so much. A girl I work with her dad left her mom and them and he sends the girls a good morning text everyday to try to stay connected to them.. she said she could care less. If she only knew how much I wish I could get a good morning text from my dad everyday. There are some ppl who wish they could have what she doesn't appreciate. I love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

December 25

Hi papa.. Merry Christmas!!! You're spending Christmas with Jesus. It must be miraculous! I'm spending the day with Brian. Its our first Christmas together in who knows how long. He gets to be here until tomorrow afternoon. So that's kewl. I don't know a whole lot. I got a stereo for my car and this coffee pot that you can make one cup at a time. You'd have liked it. I got Joe a lot of what he wanted. He was happy which made me happy. Things at work are going OK. I'm not going anywhere though. I don't know when and if I will. She had said I'm in line for asst mgr but idk. I don't really think so. Don't really know nothing daddy. 3 Christmases without you. It sucks. I love you daddy. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

  

November 30

Hi papa.. So how magnificent was the spread on Thursday? I'm sure it's done way up right up there in Heaven. Joe and I just spent Thursday together. Just another day off for us. We slept most of the day. Had brunch about 2ish. Then took another nap. Don't really know much. Just wanted to say hello. Mom had her appointment Wednesday to see if she can get the surgery. She said she'll know for sure in a week or so. Still hoping the dr says no but I'll do my best to be supportive if it's yes. I just really, really don't think she needs to have it done. I just think there are so many alternatives. So many other safe ways to lose weight where you can keep your body in one piece. I wonder what you would have told her, I wonder if you would have gone along with it to please her or if you would have said no way or if she would have even told you about it, meaning keep it to herself she wanted to do it. Its not my place to tell her she shouldn't do it but I can lend my opinion.  She's been doing things she's always wanted to do with auntie. I'm glad she's able to finally do them. I'm doing the same thing with Joe. S never wanted to do anything with me. It was always either video games, sleep or cigarettes. When we moved down here they started having their vacations without me cuz I couldn't get off work.
Mom came last week. It was good to have her here. Sucked to see her leave. We didn't really do much. Just hung out around here. She cooked. It was good. I've missed that home cooking. I cook but I don't make things like she cooks. I need to get all her recipes before I'm not able to so I can make them later. I wanted her to make egg noodles but I forgot. We had so much other yummy things. Coulda gone for a chocolate sheet cake but Joe thinks its too rich. No point in making something not everyone is going to enjoy, right? I don't really know anything else. I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) I still miss you every day. Talk to you in a little bit.

November 14

Hi papa..I don't know much, I just wanted to say hello. Mom will be here next week. I'm looking forward to it. Its not the actual Thanksgiving but it'll still be nice to have her here. We're still gonna have tday dinner. Do it up big as Joe said. Mom said it's about family and being together, so it shall be.
Mom is still convinced to get that surgery. I wish I could talk her out of it but she is determined. There's still time daddy if you could talk to the big guy and get him to pass the right info onto the dr's she's going to see the 27th. She said we'd talk more about it when she comes. Missy is gonna talk to her too. I just still think there are other options. Better options that leave her body parts intact that the good Lord gave her when she entered this world.
Rob gave Shaun a Christmas list a mile long and he's actually getting him most of the stuff on the list. They gave me "my list".. the expensive stuff, the stuff they don't wanna get him or didn't want to but decided to go ahead and get anyway. So, I'm mad now and don't wanna play so I'm probably gonna just get him a gift card, send him some money. He's almost 20, he doesn't need lots of presents on Christmas. If it had been me I would have said, OK, pick 3 things on here and let it go at that. S still treats R like he's 12 and not almost 20.
You know, life has changed so much in a years time. A year ago I was fighting with dumdum about everything and having to deal with him and his attitude and now I'm happy, life is virtually stress free and I'm able to just breathe and be me. I miss Rob, I miss the whole being a mom thing at times but I am also happy that I'm just able to be. To be me. To be happy. I think about 2004 when S came back, how I thought I needed him back. Boy, was I wrong!! I think me and R woulda done just fine continuing on our own. I'd still be in Kansas. I wouldn't know Joe but hmm.. scratch all that.. I am happy everything happened when I think about the end result. God knew exactly what he was doing having us move here. Joe is every reason I'm happy these days. He's every reason I smile. God knew I needed Joe just as much as Joe needed me.
Over on Post Oak close to where we used to live these two kids broke in to some guy's place thinking the homeowner wasn't there, he heard a commotion and went to investigate and saw the boys. the homeowner then shot at them and hit one of them in the neck and he died. He was only 17 but still he shouldn't have been there.
I don't know much else papa. Guess I'll get on with my evening. I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.