September 27

Hi daddy. It's been awhile since I've posted here. All is well. I am happy. When I started this blog it was a way for me to feel like I still had a connection to you, to help me keep my sanity, so we could still have our talks but this blog has helped me heal in a way. I also realize no matter how many times I post it's not going to bring you back. I still miss you every single day, I still miss our phone calls, our visits, your hugs, your advice, your silliness, your laughter, your orneriness, our heart to heart talks, just hanging out together. So many times I still just wanna pick up the phone and call you to tell you about this or that, tell you I miss you. I still have your number in my phone, can't get myself to delete it. It's been over three years now, I should be at a point where I'm ok with how things are but I'm not, probably won't ever be. Life is what it is, for the most part I've adjusted ok. Things have changed so much since you left. I've already told you most of these. Me n Shaun broke up again, for good, for the better. We lost our house. Mom has retired and moved and is enjoying being retired. My son moved almost 1000 miles away from me and I have no idea when I'll see him again. I found a guy that absolutely truly loves me and I'm absolutely crazy about him too. I've learned that time is like a band-aid that covers your wounds letting them heal at their own pace. You never get over it but thru it. Mitch Albom has a book called The Five People You Meet in Heaven. Saying there are 5 ppl who have the most impact or influence on your life. 5 people who are on your path that somehow mold or change your life. I think my 5 ppl are you, mom, Robbie, Joe, and idk my fifth. I'll have to think about that. Shaun was a big part of my life but I don't think he's my fifth. He's a chapter in my story but I think that's all. I wonder who you woulda said were your five. 

Mom went on her cruise this week. This has been the longest week ever not being able to talk to her. She's sent me a msg here and there telling me where she is but we didn't really get to talk. I guess this is what it's gonna be like when she comes home to you except there'll be no messages. I've missed her a lot this week. Can't wait to hear all about her adventure. We're taking Snick home to her in a couple weeks. Looking forward to seeing her, spending a little time together. Weather able she's gonna come the whole week of Thanksgiving. My boss is gonna let me be off almost the whole time she's here. Gonna have to work 9 straight to be able to do that but it'll be worth it. Her and I don't spend enough time together. 

I don't know a whole lot else. I miss you dad. I feel you walk with me at times and those are good days. We went to Harbor Freight tools the other day, remembered how you liked that place. Joe said he thinks it could become one of his favorite places. I think sometimes how you and Joe woulda got along famously. He is pretty amazing. :) Guess I'll go for now. I love you daddy (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. 

August 12

Hi daddy. How be you? I'm doing ok. Wish I could just call instead of this. But this is all I got besides memories. I don't know a whole lot. Life is good. I'm happy. I still find Joe absolutely amazing. Crazy how one person can make your upside down world all right side up again. He is a blessing and a joy. He keeps your daughter so happy and is taking excellent care of her. My birthday is Thursday. Idk what he has planned but I'm sure it'll be great. Think we'll go to Red Robin for lunch then ima make BBQ ribs n potato salad for my bday dinner. Joe might make my cake, might buy one. Be cheaper to maybe buy one. Idk. Rob is sending me something. A card or picture he drew.

 Mom is gonna get Snick back in October. I was really hoping it would work out with him with us. Having other animals to be around and us to give him attention. He's become so introverted since you left. He acts like he's been beat or idk, so sad all the time. I think losing you did more to his psyche then we can see. He pants a lot for like no reason. Is so stubborn about going out. Hides when there is the slightest amount of noise. He's just so odd. So different. It's sad cuz he used to be such a happy puppy with you. Joe tells him he's not a dog. He's not, we know, but he's not being the Snick you knew either. I think it might do both mom and him good to be back together. I'm sure it must be quiet being in her house all alone. Snick makes an excellent door bell. I'd feel better knowing she's got a little protection. He may think mom disappeared too. 

Work is going good. Joe's too. Life is just pretty alright right now. Today I was talking to my boss and she asked about how the store looked this morning and I told her. I didn't want to cuz it's becoming a broken record, Chase or Josh not doing something.. She said I consistently have good closes. That made me feel good. We talked about assistant manager and she said the position is mine.  I just need a little more time being shift manager then I'll get the books. Excited cuz it means salary and insurance! So, for once in my life, well, in a long time, I have a goal and ima reach it too! ;) 

I don't know much else. I miss you so much dad. How I wish you were still physically here but it's nice knowing you are always with me, watching over me. Guess I'll go for now. I love you papa. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

July 14

It's been about a month since I last posted here but ya know I'm always thinking of you. So, here's what's been going on. Nothing really, just life. At work, I got certified for shift manager. It wasn't that hard. A little nerve racking but that's cuz ppl from corporate were there and we were so incredibly busy cuz we were having a special on fish sandwiches. $1 a piece. It was only a two day special thankyajesus. There are a few things I still need to smooth out but overall it's ok. There's a lady that works there who's been there 11 years and she tries telling me what to do. Tries telling the other ppl what to do. I don't wanna be disrespectful to her cuz she's older then me and tell her to stfu but its grates my nerves when she does it. Have to figure out how to handle her. When I send my cook on break the window is full but then we get hit and I'm scrambling to cook up what we need. Little things but I'll figure them out. Still wanna be assistant manager someday so I just have to keep that goal in my head and not let stupid things and ppl bring me down. Had to take a food safety class and I got 2nd highest score in the class. :) Really icked me out though and when I go out to eat now I'm really paying attention to the servers and all that. 

I got to see mom and auntie on the 17th. It was what I thought it would be, just lunch and go back our separate ways. About an hour. It was good to see them but wish it could have been longer. I don't know when I'll get to see her again. That's always the toughest part. Having to say goodbye cuz I never know when I'll see her again. I get scared sometimes cuz I worry it'll be like it was with you. She's fine, we just talked, then I'll get that call that she's gone to be with you and I won't get to say goodbye. Just have to look at her lying there and wonder, now what? She'll wear purple and Woodrow will be there too. Gosh dad....this makes me miss her even more! She's going to Kansas this week to see Richard and them and idk what else. Just pray she's careful and safe. (Mom, I know you'll read this....I love you lady! Be careful!) 

Thought Rob was gonna come back but things calmed down and he's staying. About a week ago, Rob called me sobbing cuz Shaun was gonna kick him out cuz Rob refused to go to job corps so I got things arranged with mom and Aunt Norma to get him home. He refused to come, said dumdum calmed down and he was going to find a job. He still doesn't have one, and things are the way they were. I don't think Rob should have gone to Utah to begin with but he wouldn't stay cuz of Joe. If he'd just give Joe a chance he'd see what a great guy he is. But he won't so all I can do is be there to calm him down when Shaun explodes again, which we all know will happen again. 

Joe and I are good. Been together 11 months tomorrow. Things are so different then they were 11 months ago and for that I'm thankful. Joe has brought so much happy to my life. Showed me being happy and doing for myself is ok and what I'm supposed to do. He'll clean up the apartment then I'll get home from work and not have anything to do. It's definitely different and way kewl. 

The other night I was drifting off to sleep and was between dream land and awake and started to see you and grandma and the other ppl in our family who've passed away and y'all were saying come on, it's time. Tell him goodbye. My eyes were filling with tears in my dream and for real and I kept saying, no I'm not ready to say goodbye. I don't wanna come yet. I can't say goodbye yet. Y'all kept urging me to come and I kept saying no. I woke up bawling and saying no, not yet I can't tell him goodbye. Joe thought I had done lost my mind but holy moly dad..it was so real. I can't wait to see you again, when that day comes I will embrace it. For now, I think I'm just gonna embrace having such a good man to love and that loves me back. Guess I'll go for now. Love you daddy! (Forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit.  

                         

June 15

Hey papa. Not much to say today.. That 3 year mark is approaching. There are days I still try and figure out why you had to go. Guess God musta had a reason. I love you daddy. Miss you more then you know. You were the best dad EVER!! I remember your beautiful blue eyes, your large, rough hands from all the hard work you did, how funny you were, how much fun we'd have together, our breakfast dates -- some of my favorite times with you were these cuz it was usually just you and me. They say that a girls first love is her father and you certainly were mine. You took such good care of us and even though you were gone a lot for work, we still knew who you were, how you were. You were such a big, grumpy grizzly bear growing up but you had a soft side. When Rob came along you became a whole different guy. I loved watching you two together. I know you always thought I wasn't stern enough with him but we all raise our children differently. Rob has stayed that sweet kid you knew when you left. I'm so thankful that you got to be here for his 16th birthday and that Christmas, who knew it would be the last one we'd share. I guess God did. There's been more birthdays and holidays since you left and none have been the same. Father's day is probably my least favorite because, well, you're not here. No more Minmarks I get to make for you. No more sappy cards that make you tear up. No more searching for that perfect gift just to make you smile. Tomorrow is Father's day and I hope being up there with our Heavenly Father it's a wonderful day. Take some time and go fishing and enjoy it.  I love you papa... so much. (FOREHEAD KISS) Talk to you in a little bit.





We miss you so much dad. Wish you were here.

June 10

Hey papa. It's been 1090 days since you left us. Every day of those 2 years, 11 months and 25 days hasn't been the same with you gone. Good thing I'm not counting.  I wish you could be here. I wish you could call us from Heaven. I wish that I could see you if even for just one more time because I'd never let go when I hugged you. It would take a host of angels to get me to let go. I know that the past can't be changed and all we have is now so I guess I'll let you know what's going on now. We have this older guy that comes in and gets a senior drink, they are free. He is a nice old guy. He reminds me of you. He always tells me thank you for being so nice to me. I always tell him, its no problem at all being nice to you. Makes me think of you and smile.
Work is going ok. I'm going to get certified soon for shift manager. I'm excited, a little nervous, but I got this pop! It was going to be Wednesday but I think it's gonna get pushed back another week. I'd rather be ready ready then just hoping I'm ready. I really like my boss. She is super nice. I like the ppl I work with too. Most of them.
Me and Joe are doing great. I got so lucky this time dad. Joe is absolutely a total and complete blessing to me. He loves me so much. Loves me like you loved mom. I think the world of him too. It's been almost 10 months we've been together. He and I are closer then Shaun and I ever were. I feel loved and know I'm loved and feel like I belong here. Like he wants me around. You know with Shaun I didn't feel like that. Truly believe God gave me Joe. He truly is my best friend.
I haven't talked to Rob lately so not sure what's up with him. Last I did talk to him, he had informed me he walked in the Gay Pride parade supporting Rafe who was walking to support the Atheists. Oy vey daddy. I just want my son home. Want him back here with me. I know he'd never come back though unless Shaun made him because he has his LARP bs and no one to really listen to. Shaun barks orders at him but how much of it Rob obeys who knows. I tell him that we could get him enrolled in a few classes, maybe find a part time job and he could just get his feet wet in the real world. But he wants to be in Utah. I miss him so much dad.
I was thinking when they left town what if something happened to Joe, I'd be all alone. I think I'd probably move up to Illinois. Even though I don't wanna live where they have winter for real and all that but I'd be closer to family, closer to mom, closer to somebody who loves me or at least tolerates me. Probably would live near mom, maybe Terre Haute. But me and Joe are going strong and unless the good Lord takes him away from me ima bloom where I'm planted at the moment. I like it here for the most part. Financially I'm doing better than when me and Shaun were together. Joe lets me take care of the bills but he's interested and involved when I pay them. Shaun never was, he didn't wanna know, just wanted to know if he had money for cigarettes and coffee. There always seems to be money left after bills are paid and that is a wonderful feeling. It's not a lot but enough to get us thru until the next check. We're living paycheck to paycheck but have what we need. We're gonna start rebuilding the savings account soon as we can. The wedding depleted it but it was definitely worth it. I used what you gave me for things I needed. Things I had been wanting, paid some bills off. I used it wisely daddy. It was more than I ever expected but it helped me so much. I woulda much rather had you back but I was told that wasn't an option. Dog-gone-it.
Gonna go see mom next Monday. I'm so excited. I'm glad she's living closer, wish she lived here in Georgia, here in my neighborhood. But she's only 6 hrs away. Hopefully I can sometime get a couple days off in a row and have the money and go see her. Surprise her. We're going to meet in Fort Campbell and have lunch. It's never enough time together. Auntie is going to come with her. That makes me happy too. Auntie has always been like a 2nd mom to me. She's def my favorite aunt. Always has been. I really liked Great Aunt Bess too but didn't know her as well. Snick is doing ok too. He's odd though, never realized how odd he is when he was with y'all. He doesn't like walking on the linoleum or the hard wood floors and idk why. He's very selective as to when he'll go outside. He usually always goes for Joe but like 3 out of 5 times goes for me. He snorts like a pig sometimes and he's constantly licking his paws. I think it's a nerve thing, idk. We have a white water dish and bowl for him to eat out of. If there is the slightest amount of noise he'll go find a hiding spot. Just an odd duck but I love him.
I don't know much else. I don't have a day off until Friday. UGH! I hate when I work like 7-9 days before I get a day off. Makes for such a long week. Thankful I have a job but I'm tired! Guess I'll go for now. I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

May 21

Hey papa. It's been about a month since I last talked to ya here. Joe and I got married on the 25th. Mom was able to be here. The wedding was nice. Wish you coulda made it in person but I know you were still there. We went to Tunica, Mississippi for our honeymoon. It was fun. We lost at the casinos but that's kinda a given, huh? The hotel was sucky. There was like nothing in the room but a bed, a bathroom and TV. You had to pay for cable and internet. There was like no place to eat so we had to go out and find a place. We ate at the yucky waffle house. You know I hate that place but it's all they had. You'd think as much money as those casinos make they'd have more amenities but nay nay. We got back on Sunday afternoon. Spent Sunday and Monday with mom. It was nice to have her here. She babysat the fur babies, Snickee and Jake.  Joe n I have been married almost a month. He is the absolute greatest thing that's ever happened to me besides becoming a mom and being y'alls daughter. He makes me smile every day and tells me every day I'm beautiful. :)
I don't know a whole lot. I'm working towards shift leader at work. Have a thick workbook to get thru. I'm supposed to certify on June 11 or 12. I know I can lead a shift, just not sure I know all what I need to of the LJS ways. Hopefully by then I will. I'm on book 6 of 10. After I make shift leader I think I wanna keep going and work towards assistant manager. That is a maybe right now but I think I could do it. Possibly. The confidence seeps from my pores, huh? LOL.
Shaun got remarried to his first wife this last week. Can't believe it though cuz they've only been back together about a month. He last saw her 6 years ago and they got back together online in late February, sometime in March. Then back together April 3. LOL! The first time they were married it lasted less than a year so we'll see how they do this time. I don't think it'll last but I wish him the best. Shaun ain't been nothing but mean and ugly to me so he could disappear and I wouldn't care. All I know is that I'm crazy happy with Joe and that's all I do care about.
Rob is still adjusting to life in Utah. Honestly can't believe he's still there. I thought for sure he'd make it like a week or two and then call me begging me to figure out how to get him back here. There's nothing for him here, nothing for him there. I just hope he finds his way. He dropped a massive heavy load on me the other night. Told me he was "on the fence" and since all the girls he's known have broken his heart that it wouldn't matter if he was with a guy cuz he wouldn't think about it. DAD!! OMG!! Talked to mom about it and we think that he doesn't really understand the complexity of what he's talking about or the repercussions of it. He could get seriously hurt or even killed. I don't think he realizes that. I think that he's found ppl that will accept him so he's willing to go along with whatever is proposed to fit in. Hopefully though he will really, really think about things before things get that far. I told him about how it's wrong in the eyes of God and the dangers of it. Holy moly dad! I wish you were here to thump some sense into your #1 grandson.
Mom is traveling with Auntie this week. They went to Carthage to see Diane and help her cuz she had to have her gallbladder out and then they are going to Richard's then back home. Just hope she's careful. I'm glad she's able to travel but I worry so much about her when she does. There have been tornadoes going thru Oklahoma and the Midwest. I worry about them out there. Oklahoma got hit twice this week. Sunday and yesterday. Moore got like obliterated. So much damage. So sad daddy and scary.
Okey dokey pokey. I guess I'll go. I don't know much else. It's been almost 3 years dad and I still miss you everyday. I miss talking to you, your bear hugs, your laugh, your orneriness, YOU! I love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

April 18

Hey Papa Bear.... what's up. Not a whole lot in my world. Since my last post, Joe's now divorced and we have our wedding planned out. He told me to start planning it and I was like, uh huh, right.. then on the 9th I started some planning and thinking about when I wanted to marry him and sooner seemed so much better than later. He said he'd be happy going to the judge right after his divorce papers were signed and getting married but I wanted something more special than that. So, something more we shall have. We went looking for dresses and I was just going to get a pretty dress, something I could wear again if we ever went some place nice. We went to this shop that one of the tenants works at and it's a dress shop. They sell prom dresses, wedding dresses, rent tuxes. I thought when I went in Josh would show me pretty dresses. He showed me some and also wedding dresses. I never thought I was the wedding dress type but he had me try on this dress and yeah, it happened. I fell in love with it. It's so pretty. Joe loved it too so with some finagling and his discount I got a really good deal on it and so now have a wedding dress. Joe rented a tux, he's going to look amazing. We are gonna get married at the wedding chapel in Ringgold and we're gonna do the sand ceremony. I'm excited about that. The newer version of the unity candle. I think the sand is gonna be blue and pink. Of course pink. Tried to get Joe to get a pink tie or a pink vest and he wouldn't. He says real men don't wear pink. OK, maybe not but he'd still look amazing. Put that boy in a gunny sack and he'd look amazing. LOL! Yes daddy, 8 months in and I'm still head over heels for him. How I wish you could be here for the wedding. We'd walk high and proud down the aisle for sure! Not even thinking about ducking out any back door this time. If I coulda seen the future I'd sure taken you up on that offer 20 years ago. I did get a pretty good kid outta the deal but that's about it. Mom is gonna come down and be here for it and then stay and hang out with Snick while Joe and I go on our honeymoon. We're gonna go to Tunica. It's gonna be so much fun. Then when we get back, mom is gonna stay another day, hopefully 2 so we can spend some time together. Next week, I work Monday and Tuesday then I'm off the rest of the week. Gonna hurt the paycheck but so worth it. I still believe God sent him to be in my path when he did for a reason and if it was to become a happy person, THANK YOU JESUS!! I've been nothing but happy for 8 months. Even on my not so great days, I see Joe and it makes all those yucky feelings go away. So, anyway.. I have my dress, Joe has a tux, we have our rings, our marriage license,  a place to get married, a cake, some guests, a honeymoon destination, and each other so I think we're good to go. One more week of being Ms. Evans and then happily will be Mrs. Burris until it's time to come up there and hug that neck of yours! So, sit tight.. I'm enjoying myself being all happy and in love with Joe right now.. gimme about, hmm.. 30, 40 more years and I'll be right there. Wish so hard things could be different and you could be here.
Have talked to Rob a few times since they left. He doesn't really talk to me which hurts my feelings, but I guess I have to live with it. He lost his iPod. Has no idea where he left it. Thought he lost it in his room, he didn't. We thought maybe it was packed in with the stuff in the car, it wasn't. So, I guess the other day Shaun's ex took them both to T-Mobile and bought them new phones. Rob got an iPhone 4s and idk/c what Shaun got. He said she got it for him to replace his iPod. Gee, how nice. Idk dad. Glad Rob is getting out there and is starting to do more than hide in his room all the time but when I text, he doesn't text back, when I call, he doesn't wanna talk. I feel almost like Shaun has poisoned Rob against me. Sent him a box of his crap and barely got a thank you outta him for it. Really hurts but I guess that's what happens when your kids grow up. I've decided I'm going to just let Rob contact me even though I wanna call him, text him, check on him every day. Rob will always be my son and I'll always be here for him if he needs me. Guess that's what parents do. Mom mentioned when we talked a couple times back that I don't call her as much as I used to. She said she can tell I'm happy now cuz I used to call her like every week, sometimes more than once when Shaun and I were together. I wasn't happy and I didn't have anyone to talk to before. I didn't have a friend when he and I were together but now I have all that and more with Joe.  I still need her, still wanna talk to her but whenever I call I feel like I'm bothering her almost with all the fun she's been having with auntie. Mom is going on a cruise in September with Aunt Norma. Yes, my mom! I'm happy for her but surprised the heck outta me when she told me. We know you wouldn't have liked it, I'm right there with ya dad. Went on a day cruise one time with Judy to the Bahamas and I was sick the whole day. I'll keep my land loving legs on dry land thank you. I hope she has an absolute ball though and takes lots of pictures. Makes some memories.  I don't know much else. I guess I'll go. I love you papa. Probably the next time I stop by I'll be Mrs. Burris. :) I love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.