June 15

Hey papa. Not much to say today.. That 3 year mark is approaching. There are days I still try and figure out why you had to go. Guess God musta had a reason. I love you daddy. Miss you more then you know. You were the best dad EVER!! I remember your beautiful blue eyes, your large, rough hands from all the hard work you did, how funny you were, how much fun we'd have together, our breakfast dates -- some of my favorite times with you were these cuz it was usually just you and me. They say that a girls first love is her father and you certainly were mine. You took such good care of us and even though you were gone a lot for work, we still knew who you were, how you were. You were such a big, grumpy grizzly bear growing up but you had a soft side. When Rob came along you became a whole different guy. I loved watching you two together. I know you always thought I wasn't stern enough with him but we all raise our children differently. Rob has stayed that sweet kid you knew when you left. I'm so thankful that you got to be here for his 16th birthday and that Christmas, who knew it would be the last one we'd share. I guess God did. There's been more birthdays and holidays since you left and none have been the same. Father's day is probably my least favorite because, well, you're not here. No more Minmarks I get to make for you. No more sappy cards that make you tear up. No more searching for that perfect gift just to make you smile. Tomorrow is Father's day and I hope being up there with our Heavenly Father it's a wonderful day. Take some time and go fishing and enjoy it.  I love you papa... so much. (FOREHEAD KISS) Talk to you in a little bit.





We miss you so much dad. Wish you were here.

June 10

Hey papa. It's been 1090 days since you left us. Every day of those 2 years, 11 months and 25 days hasn't been the same with you gone. Good thing I'm not counting.  I wish you could be here. I wish you could call us from Heaven. I wish that I could see you if even for just one more time because I'd never let go when I hugged you. It would take a host of angels to get me to let go. I know that the past can't be changed and all we have is now so I guess I'll let you know what's going on now. We have this older guy that comes in and gets a senior drink, they are free. He is a nice old guy. He reminds me of you. He always tells me thank you for being so nice to me. I always tell him, its no problem at all being nice to you. Makes me think of you and smile.
Work is going ok. I'm going to get certified soon for shift manager. I'm excited, a little nervous, but I got this pop! It was going to be Wednesday but I think it's gonna get pushed back another week. I'd rather be ready ready then just hoping I'm ready. I really like my boss. She is super nice. I like the ppl I work with too. Most of them.
Me and Joe are doing great. I got so lucky this time dad. Joe is absolutely a total and complete blessing to me. He loves me so much. Loves me like you loved mom. I think the world of him too. It's been almost 10 months we've been together. He and I are closer then Shaun and I ever were. I feel loved and know I'm loved and feel like I belong here. Like he wants me around. You know with Shaun I didn't feel like that. Truly believe God gave me Joe. He truly is my best friend.
I haven't talked to Rob lately so not sure what's up with him. Last I did talk to him, he had informed me he walked in the Gay Pride parade supporting Rafe who was walking to support the Atheists. Oy vey daddy. I just want my son home. Want him back here with me. I know he'd never come back though unless Shaun made him because he has his LARP bs and no one to really listen to. Shaun barks orders at him but how much of it Rob obeys who knows. I tell him that we could get him enrolled in a few classes, maybe find a part time job and he could just get his feet wet in the real world. But he wants to be in Utah. I miss him so much dad.
I was thinking when they left town what if something happened to Joe, I'd be all alone. I think I'd probably move up to Illinois. Even though I don't wanna live where they have winter for real and all that but I'd be closer to family, closer to mom, closer to somebody who loves me or at least tolerates me. Probably would live near mom, maybe Terre Haute. But me and Joe are going strong and unless the good Lord takes him away from me ima bloom where I'm planted at the moment. I like it here for the most part. Financially I'm doing better than when me and Shaun were together. Joe lets me take care of the bills but he's interested and involved when I pay them. Shaun never was, he didn't wanna know, just wanted to know if he had money for cigarettes and coffee. There always seems to be money left after bills are paid and that is a wonderful feeling. It's not a lot but enough to get us thru until the next check. We're living paycheck to paycheck but have what we need. We're gonna start rebuilding the savings account soon as we can. The wedding depleted it but it was definitely worth it. I used what you gave me for things I needed. Things I had been wanting, paid some bills off. I used it wisely daddy. It was more than I ever expected but it helped me so much. I woulda much rather had you back but I was told that wasn't an option. Dog-gone-it.
Gonna go see mom next Monday. I'm so excited. I'm glad she's living closer, wish she lived here in Georgia, here in my neighborhood. But she's only 6 hrs away. Hopefully I can sometime get a couple days off in a row and have the money and go see her. Surprise her. We're going to meet in Fort Campbell and have lunch. It's never enough time together. Auntie is going to come with her. That makes me happy too. Auntie has always been like a 2nd mom to me. She's def my favorite aunt. Always has been. I really liked Great Aunt Bess too but didn't know her as well. Snick is doing ok too. He's odd though, never realized how odd he is when he was with y'all. He doesn't like walking on the linoleum or the hard wood floors and idk why. He's very selective as to when he'll go outside. He usually always goes for Joe but like 3 out of 5 times goes for me. He snorts like a pig sometimes and he's constantly licking his paws. I think it's a nerve thing, idk. We have a white water dish and bowl for him to eat out of. If there is the slightest amount of noise he'll go find a hiding spot. Just an odd duck but I love him.
I don't know much else. I don't have a day off until Friday. UGH! I hate when I work like 7-9 days before I get a day off. Makes for such a long week. Thankful I have a job but I'm tired! Guess I'll go for now. I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

May 21

Hey papa. It's been about a month since I last talked to ya here. Joe and I got married on the 25th. Mom was able to be here. The wedding was nice. Wish you coulda made it in person but I know you were still there. We went to Tunica, Mississippi for our honeymoon. It was fun. We lost at the casinos but that's kinda a given, huh? The hotel was sucky. There was like nothing in the room but a bed, a bathroom and TV. You had to pay for cable and internet. There was like no place to eat so we had to go out and find a place. We ate at the yucky waffle house. You know I hate that place but it's all they had. You'd think as much money as those casinos make they'd have more amenities but nay nay. We got back on Sunday afternoon. Spent Sunday and Monday with mom. It was nice to have her here. She babysat the fur babies, Snickee and Jake.  Joe n I have been married almost a month. He is the absolute greatest thing that's ever happened to me besides becoming a mom and being y'alls daughter. He makes me smile every day and tells me every day I'm beautiful. :)
I don't know a whole lot. I'm working towards shift leader at work. Have a thick workbook to get thru. I'm supposed to certify on June 11 or 12. I know I can lead a shift, just not sure I know all what I need to of the LJS ways. Hopefully by then I will. I'm on book 6 of 10. After I make shift leader I think I wanna keep going and work towards assistant manager. That is a maybe right now but I think I could do it. Possibly. The confidence seeps from my pores, huh? LOL.
Shaun got remarried to his first wife this last week. Can't believe it though cuz they've only been back together about a month. He last saw her 6 years ago and they got back together online in late February, sometime in March. Then back together April 3. LOL! The first time they were married it lasted less than a year so we'll see how they do this time. I don't think it'll last but I wish him the best. Shaun ain't been nothing but mean and ugly to me so he could disappear and I wouldn't care. All I know is that I'm crazy happy with Joe and that's all I do care about.
Rob is still adjusting to life in Utah. Honestly can't believe he's still there. I thought for sure he'd make it like a week or two and then call me begging me to figure out how to get him back here. There's nothing for him here, nothing for him there. I just hope he finds his way. He dropped a massive heavy load on me the other night. Told me he was "on the fence" and since all the girls he's known have broken his heart that it wouldn't matter if he was with a guy cuz he wouldn't think about it. DAD!! OMG!! Talked to mom about it and we think that he doesn't really understand the complexity of what he's talking about or the repercussions of it. He could get seriously hurt or even killed. I don't think he realizes that. I think that he's found ppl that will accept him so he's willing to go along with whatever is proposed to fit in. Hopefully though he will really, really think about things before things get that far. I told him about how it's wrong in the eyes of God and the dangers of it. Holy moly dad! I wish you were here to thump some sense into your #1 grandson.
Mom is traveling with Auntie this week. They went to Carthage to see Diane and help her cuz she had to have her gallbladder out and then they are going to Richard's then back home. Just hope she's careful. I'm glad she's able to travel but I worry so much about her when she does. There have been tornadoes going thru Oklahoma and the Midwest. I worry about them out there. Oklahoma got hit twice this week. Sunday and yesterday. Moore got like obliterated. So much damage. So sad daddy and scary.
Okey dokey pokey. I guess I'll go. I don't know much else. It's been almost 3 years dad and I still miss you everyday. I miss talking to you, your bear hugs, your laugh, your orneriness, YOU! I love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

April 18

Hey Papa Bear.... what's up. Not a whole lot in my world. Since my last post, Joe's now divorced and we have our wedding planned out. He told me to start planning it and I was like, uh huh, right.. then on the 9th I started some planning and thinking about when I wanted to marry him and sooner seemed so much better than later. He said he'd be happy going to the judge right after his divorce papers were signed and getting married but I wanted something more special than that. So, something more we shall have. We went looking for dresses and I was just going to get a pretty dress, something I could wear again if we ever went some place nice. We went to this shop that one of the tenants works at and it's a dress shop. They sell prom dresses, wedding dresses, rent tuxes. I thought when I went in Josh would show me pretty dresses. He showed me some and also wedding dresses. I never thought I was the wedding dress type but he had me try on this dress and yeah, it happened. I fell in love with it. It's so pretty. Joe loved it too so with some finagling and his discount I got a really good deal on it and so now have a wedding dress. Joe rented a tux, he's going to look amazing. We are gonna get married at the wedding chapel in Ringgold and we're gonna do the sand ceremony. I'm excited about that. The newer version of the unity candle. I think the sand is gonna be blue and pink. Of course pink. Tried to get Joe to get a pink tie or a pink vest and he wouldn't. He says real men don't wear pink. OK, maybe not but he'd still look amazing. Put that boy in a gunny sack and he'd look amazing. LOL! Yes daddy, 8 months in and I'm still head over heels for him. How I wish you could be here for the wedding. We'd walk high and proud down the aisle for sure! Not even thinking about ducking out any back door this time. If I coulda seen the future I'd sure taken you up on that offer 20 years ago. I did get a pretty good kid outta the deal but that's about it. Mom is gonna come down and be here for it and then stay and hang out with Snick while Joe and I go on our honeymoon. We're gonna go to Tunica. It's gonna be so much fun. Then when we get back, mom is gonna stay another day, hopefully 2 so we can spend some time together. Next week, I work Monday and Tuesday then I'm off the rest of the week. Gonna hurt the paycheck but so worth it. I still believe God sent him to be in my path when he did for a reason and if it was to become a happy person, THANK YOU JESUS!! I've been nothing but happy for 8 months. Even on my not so great days, I see Joe and it makes all those yucky feelings go away. So, anyway.. I have my dress, Joe has a tux, we have our rings, our marriage license,  a place to get married, a cake, some guests, a honeymoon destination, and each other so I think we're good to go. One more week of being Ms. Evans and then happily will be Mrs. Burris until it's time to come up there and hug that neck of yours! So, sit tight.. I'm enjoying myself being all happy and in love with Joe right now.. gimme about, hmm.. 30, 40 more years and I'll be right there. Wish so hard things could be different and you could be here.
Have talked to Rob a few times since they left. He doesn't really talk to me which hurts my feelings, but I guess I have to live with it. He lost his iPod. Has no idea where he left it. Thought he lost it in his room, he didn't. We thought maybe it was packed in with the stuff in the car, it wasn't. So, I guess the other day Shaun's ex took them both to T-Mobile and bought them new phones. Rob got an iPhone 4s and idk/c what Shaun got. He said she got it for him to replace his iPod. Gee, how nice. Idk dad. Glad Rob is getting out there and is starting to do more than hide in his room all the time but when I text, he doesn't text back, when I call, he doesn't wanna talk. I feel almost like Shaun has poisoned Rob against me. Sent him a box of his crap and barely got a thank you outta him for it. Really hurts but I guess that's what happens when your kids grow up. I've decided I'm going to just let Rob contact me even though I wanna call him, text him, check on him every day. Rob will always be my son and I'll always be here for him if he needs me. Guess that's what parents do. Mom mentioned when we talked a couple times back that I don't call her as much as I used to. She said she can tell I'm happy now cuz I used to call her like every week, sometimes more than once when Shaun and I were together. I wasn't happy and I didn't have anyone to talk to before. I didn't have a friend when he and I were together but now I have all that and more with Joe.  I still need her, still wanna talk to her but whenever I call I feel like I'm bothering her almost with all the fun she's been having with auntie. Mom is going on a cruise in September with Aunt Norma. Yes, my mom! I'm happy for her but surprised the heck outta me when she told me. We know you wouldn't have liked it, I'm right there with ya dad. Went on a day cruise one time with Judy to the Bahamas and I was sick the whole day. I'll keep my land loving legs on dry land thank you. I hope she has an absolute ball though and takes lots of pictures. Makes some memories.  I don't know much else. I guess I'll go. I love you papa. Probably the next time I stop by I'll be Mrs. Burris. :) I love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

April 3

Hey papa. How ya be? I'm alright. Today woulda been mine and Shaun's 20th had we stayed together. Glad God had other plans for me. That sounds mean but don't mean it to be. The guys left Monday morning at about 6. We got up about 430 to get over there and say goodbye. It was hard to let Rob go but I did. I cried like a baby of course. I was hugging him and he said, Mom, stop you're breaking my spine. Shaun hugged me before he left and told Joe to take good care of me. Joe told him, I already am. Joe and I stuck around after they left and cleaned up a little until we both were too tired to think straight. Didn't get to go back to bed cuz the landlord came and we had things to take care of. So Monday made for a very long day for both of us. Talked to Rob a little Monday and yesterday. He was very tired of being in the car. Said the trip was turning out being bad for him cuz he kept getting hurt on the way. The car was so packed, there was like no room at all in the car. Rob had to leave quite a bit behind and wants it shipped to him. I'm trying to figure out what he needs right away and what can wait. It's gonna take weeks to get it all boxed and shipped. Ima miss Rob so much but I'm hoping this move to Utah is somehow a good thing for him and he can find something he enjoys doing and will get a job and all that. I worry he's gonna get pushed to the side but pray Shaun isn't that self absorbed and does that to him.
Joe's divorce is next Wednesday. I am so excited, so is he! We have been waiting for it very impatiently and for a while.  After that then we can get married and that's the very, very exciting part. Still don't have anything planned but hoping to get it figured out quick and then let ppl we want there know the details. Sure wish you could be here in person but I know that you still will be in spirit. Will be very small but hopefully still nice. Joe is so the right thing for me. So the right one. He is so good to me dad. So good for me, with me. He is my absolute everything. I don't think I could get any luckier if I tried. I don't know much else.  Just wanted to say hello and I'm always thinking about you. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

March 20

Hey papa.. Sunday was Bristol and OMG daddy.. it was a Blast!!! If you coulda been here I so woulda taken you with us. The seats were uncomfortable but it was still so fun! I haven't watched racing since Dale died but I had so much fun. It was so loud and so fast. Not as many accidents as we thought would happen but enough. Joe roots for Jimmie Johnson and he was doing good. Started in like 9th and worked his way up to 2nd. Then he hit the wall at almost the end of the race and got knocked out of the running. Kasey Kahne ended up winning. His first Bristol win. He's a new guy, you might know him. I think Joe said he came on the scene in like 97. Not sure. But my first Nascar race and it was awesome. : )  Traffic was a nightmare but overall it was a great day! So wish you coulda been there in person, cuz I know by golly you were there in spirit!
 Shaun and Rob are leaving on April 1st now instead of the 5th. It's gonna hurt so bad when Rob leaves. Shaun has been nice to me this week. He boxed up a bunch of stuff I had wanted before and he wouldn't let me have. Now that I have it I have no idea where I'm gonna put it. I'm gonna go thru things and probably get rid of a lot of it. Just knowing I'm not gonna be able to see Rob is what hurts the most. I see him about once maybe twice a week but still I get to see him. Not knowing when I'll see him again about kills me. I asked for the 5th off so I could see them off and then he springs this on me today. I don't know if I'll be able to get the 1st off now. I was bummed the whole rest of the day. Crying, upset, Joe just hugged me and let me cry. He is a complete blessing to me.
I thank God every single day for him. I wanna believe that you had a hand in it too. That you and God sent him to me. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I wish I had met him 20 years ago but I know that I was meant to meet him when I did. It was part of His plan. His divorce should be final in the next few weeks, then we'll be able to get married. I can't wait. We're 7 months in and I still am crazy over the moon for him. Still find him absolutely amazing. I wish you coulda met him. Time for me to go get him from work. I love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

March 3

Hey papa. Happy shoulda been anniversary! 46 years. An amazing feat, especially this day and age. The good Lord only saw fit to give y'all 43 years but that's still a mighty long time. I was always so proud of you two for sticking it out. I was like one of the only kids in my class who still had their parents married to each other. One of the only kids to be able to say this is my mom and dad, not mom and stepdad or vise versa. You n mom was the shit! Lol. Growing up I was always your little girl and me n mom were close too. It was nice growing up, looking back now, to know I always had both of you on my side. Even when I was wrong, which I know wasn't often but...lol... I think if you were here you n mom woulda gone to eat, maybe the movies, then just relaxed the rest of the evening. Just spending time together. I miss you papa. Wish you were here so I could hug your neck.
Don't know much. My new job is ok. Only thing that sucks about it is I'm not getting as many hours as I'd like. Going to talk to her about it this week. I quit Krystal thinking I was going to be getting 40 hours or at least close to it and I'm not. This last week I was "training" and she said once I was trained I'd get more hours. Let's hope I can at least get 30 hrs. I'm happy to have found a job so I could get out of Krystal but not worth it with so few hours.
Me and Joe are doing great. Wish I had met him years ago. Still find him absolutely amazing. He has a beautiful, shining aura. He makes me so incredibly happy. Thinking back I might have found Shaun amazing when I first met him but that feeling didn't last long. Think the only reason I stuck around was for the financial "security", not that he worked but the money he did get helped and I never thought I could make it on my own. I know now I could. Ok, we'll maybe not now now with the job I have but if I coulda kept my temper and put up with the BS, I'd be doing just fine if I was alone. But....so very thankful I have my Joe. Together he n I are wonderful. That feeling knowing that I'm always gonna have someone who loves and fully accepts me for me. I feel loved, know I'm loved with Joe. With S I wondered, questioned, doubted it but with Joe, I know. Guess I'll go for now. Gonna change the wax in my warmers. I love you papa. I miss you so much. (Forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit.