January 24

Hey papa. This is mom's last week in El Dorado. Mom is getting ready to retire and move this week. Auntie Norma and Patty are there to help her get the last of her stuff she's taking in the car and Auntie's van. Hard to believe she's really leaving El Dorado. I mean who thought she would, ever. I hope you two had a nice talk when she came to the apartment the other day. That's gotta be chilling to know that that was the last time she'd see that side of it until she's laying next to you. I mean, not in a morbid way.. but to just know you're not planning on going back until it's time to rest. Joe says that it's not really you laying there anyway. That your body is just the shell of who you are. Once you're gone, you're gone. Your shell remains. Makes it sound like you're a turtle or something but I kinda get what he's saying but still. Just sounds kinda cold and impersonal. It's you. But I also know dad that you aren't there. You are with Jesus. And I know that you are with all of us, in our hearts, walking with us in spirit. I still feel you, still see you. I know you are watching us and I know that you are with us. The other day we were some place and this older black gentleman came in and was wearing big smith overalls, a plaid shirt, a ball cap and those slip on shoes like you used to wear. Made me smile, and a little sad. Sometimes it makes me feel like it's you, in another person letting my heart catch a glimpse of you one more time.  Today me and Joe went to eat and this old couple walked in and the guy was wearing a cowboy hat like you had. The brown leather one. Just like it too daddy. It stopped me cold. I just stared at him, at that hat for the longest time. Joe asked me why I was staring at him. I told him. I don't think he quite gets the magnitude of what losing you meant to me. How it still affects me even though we're going on year 3. I don't think the pain of you being gone is ever gonna leave me, the ache of not being able to call you when I want to or need to.  Our weekly phone calls. To not be able to plan and be excited that you and mom are coming to see me. But time has at least covered the wound of losing you. As I'm sure as more time goes by it will be easier but not there yet. You'd have been proud of me, last night I went to get Rob to have dinner and next to a trash bin was an old ladder. Scooped that up for shizzle papa!! Rob said, that's like grandpa used to do mom. Yes son, it is. But I know you woulda gone through the trash can too. There was a decent chair there but didn't grab it, I shoulda though. In a couple of weeks I'm going to go to Illinois to see mom and get my old bed back. I'm excited for both of those even though it will be a very short trip. Also elated that I get to bring Snickee back with me. Oh daddy... He is THE best dog (furry little boy) EVER!!! I live right down the street from the park and I'm gonna be taking him and me for walks. Last time I saw him he had put on some pounds, as have I. I am so very, very excited to see him, get him, have him around for ever how long mom needs me to have him. I've always loved Snickee. I guess he is with Jennifer the rest of the week so mom can get stuff loaded and he doesn't freak too much and possibly run off. She said she'd get him Saturday before she leaves town but I hope she gets him Friday night instead. Give him one more night in his house. One last night, although he won't realize at first it's his last night there.
Don't know much else. We got our next month's rent down to 185, way kewl, huh?? Joe figures next month with the work he has to do March will be free. That'd be sweet!!! Guess I'll go. I love you dad! (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

January 9, II

This song makes me cry but Dad, I know I'll see you again.. and I can't wait for that day!!! xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxo

January 9

Hey Papa..

  Happy Heavenly Birthday Dad!!!! :) Wish you were here!

Today you woulda been 69. Shoulda been 69, but God was ready for you to come home at 66. Doesn't seem fair and I know it wasn't nearly long enough. I don't know much. Just wanted to tell you Happy Birthday!! Oh, I guess I do have something to tell ya. Me and Joe are the new apartment managers here where we live. The other ppl, well, the guy who was doing maintenance sold a truck that was in the back parking lot that wasn't his and went to jail for a little while and his wife/girlfriend who was the manager was told by the landlord to not let him back on the property and she brought him back so they are getting evicted and we are taking over. The landlord gave us this list of stuff we're responsible for each month and we get $200 knocked off our rent for it plus Joe will earn money for doing the maintenance stuff and that will come off our rent too. So, heck we could  be living here rent free if we work hard enough. Lol.. OK, would take a lot of work to get us there but next month's rent is already knocked down to $310 so whoop whoop!! Guess I'll go. I love you dad!!! Happy Birthday!! (BIG FOREHEAD KISS) Talk to you in a little bit.

January 3

Hi papa.. it's 2013. Seems really weird to say that. Let's see, I had things to tell you. Went over on Monday early to surprise Rob with his birthday cake and some candy I made for him. I gave him $20 bux too. He seemed surprised and happy to see me. He gave me a huge hug. His room was a disaster though. I was quite disappointed he let it get like that. The whole house reeks of cigarettes. Smells dirty. The upstairs is cluttered and ya know how much I love clutter.... NOT!!! Def can tell someone who gives a crap no longer lives there. Sad really cuz it's such a nice house.
I talked to Rob last night and asked how his birthday was and he told me he understood why I hated my birthday so much because it ended up being just another day and Shaun didn't put much effort into it to make it a good day for him. Welcome to the real world my child.
Shaun is still being an ass. Incredibly immature. I told him he needed to find a new rep payee and get his money moved so I can close the bank accounts associated with him and me. I don't want to have any ties with him anymore. He told me I couldn't stop being his rep.. uh, like hell I can't. I called social security today and told them. I have to pay his January bills but after that I'm done. Which will be easy cuz almost all of it goes to his mother for the house payment and the rest will go to his car payment. There, problem solved. 
I'm gonna get rid of Spencer. Something is wrong with him. He's had diarrhea for like ever and no matter what I do it won't stop. I can't afford the tests and treatment for it so I don't know what I'm gonna do but he has to go. I'm cleaning up daily messes and had it up to here with that.
Mom made her next to last trip to Illinois this weekend. Can't believe in 3 weeks she'll be leaving Kansas forever. Until it's time for her to meet you at the apartment. I don't know dad. I don't think she'd be leaving if you were still here. I don't think she'd quit working totally if you were still here. I think she'd still do books or something. Y'all have been in Kansas forever. 35 years. Wow. You raised your children there, made your careers there, your home, your friends and sadly it's where you left us. I hate to say die cuz that sounds so permanent even though that is what happened. You never got a chance to "get out" as you used to say. I know you wanted to leave Kansas or at least El Dorado for a long time but mom was happy there so you stayed. Now, I guess, in a way you finally get to leave, in spirit. In her memories, her heart. She said she's gonna have a place on her wall with stuff of yours on it. Pictures and stuff. I hope she really does do that. It's sad she's leaving the house but I guess I could understand in a way her need or want to. It's gotta still be hard to go home and you not be there. To not have you there in your chair or something to be cooking in the kitchen and her warm bubble bath not drawn. I think when she comes in and Snick hears the door he still hopes you'll walk in too. That's gotta be confusing for him. You dropped him off, told him you'd be right back and haven't made it home yet. My heart still breaks for that wonderful little puppy, er.. furry little boy. He is such a wonderful dog. So faithful, so sweet and lovable and just the best snuggler. I worry about him. He's the last link mom has to you but I don't know if she sees it that way. I've always thought the world of Snickee.
Work is going good. I get to work with Joe about every shift which is great. He and I do about everything together. We have one or sometimes 2 nights a week we don't work together but we text each other most of the time we're away from each other. I like working at Lee Hwy. No drama, or none that includes us shall I say. The other day the boss had a blowout with one of the cashiers that resulted in the cops being called.
I don't know much else. I do but don't have time to keep typing. I have to go get Joe in a little bit. I love every minute with him and hate every minute apart from him. He's one of the very few ppl that I love being with all of the time. :) I love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

December 31

Hey papa.. Happy New Year have stuff to tell you but I'm at work so hold that thought. I love you so much dad! Miss you more than you know. Talk to you in a little bit. (forehead kiss)

December 26

Hey Papa.. been a minute since I've posted but never stop thinking about you. Got thru Christmas and for the first time in years I had a magnificently happy one. Joe really tried and his efforts were great. He got me a few things while we were out together and wrapped them and I was adequately surprised when I opened them. A pink fuzzy robe that is so pretty and comfy and I just love and some clothes to lounge about in... also super comfy. Joe and I spend a lot of our time relaxing.. it's actually quite a nice change from the life I left behind. I was always doing or going when I was there. I guess because I never felt comfortable to just do nothing. Ya know I keep an uber clean house, or shall I say, We keep an uber clean house. Joe is as much as a clean freak as me, if not more, really! He is so not Shaun in any way, shape or form. He is absolutely, positively amazing. I feel so incredibly blessed to have him. Thank God and you every day for sending him to me. Rescuing me from the un-existence I was living. Joe also proposed. Yep.. he wants to keep me. I, of course, said YES!  Dad, the ring is sooooo pretty. I knew that he was gonna get me one, I just didn't know when. I've found the one dad. The one that God made for me. Sad I spent so many years with the one I thought was the one but turned out to not be. I got a good kid outta the deal but that's about it. Joe is the one person that makes me happier than I've been in years, decades. He makes me laugh every day and makes me feel so loved. He tells me all the time that I'm beautiful and I almost believe him. Around him, I feel beautiful. He has such a beautiful spirit. Such a kind heart. We do just about everything together. People ask me, Don't you need time away from each other. Um, NO! He and I are attached at the hip. I don't know that I've ever had someone I love spending all of my time with.. except maybe you or mom.
So, how was Christmas in Heaven? I bet magnificent again. Every day is a holiday up there I bet. I guess mom had Christmas with Richard and his family. Mom's last Christmas in Kansas. Seems so weird to say that. Seems so weird she's leaving Kansas. I do wonder if you were still around if you'd be leaving Kansas in a month or if y'all woulda just stayed there. Brian said your shed is the same as empty. All of your things are gone or almost gone. That makes me sad. I know mom has to do what she's has to but still it's sad. I got to see Bubby the other day. The first time in like a year and 1/2. He looks old. Tired. He pushes too hard I think with his driving. Drives more miles than he should, legally. It was his birthday and he ended up giving me a bunch of really kewl stuff. He gave me a pair of these headphones. Dr. Dre Beats headset. Anyway, it's kewl. I have more to tell you but I need to go. Joe has a fix it job he's gotta do so I gotta get dressed and take him to Lowe's. I love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

 

 

 

November 22

Happy Thanksgiving dad. Didn't have the regular turkey fare. We had Salisbury steak n mashed potatoes. I felt so bad that I couldn't make the traditional dinner for Joe but he was ok with what we had. It was just the being together that mattered to him. Me too. How was your day? I can only imagine the spread they have in Heaven. Money is stupid tight for us. We have like $6 bux left until we get paid. Have to take Joe to Dunlap Tuesday for his court date. He's done some work around the apts to make some money. Will take money off the rent which is good. Don't really know much today. Kinda bummed today. Just wanted to tell ya happy turkey day. I love you papa. (Forehead kiss) talk to ya in a little but.