January 19

Hey papa. Not sure what I know but just feel like talking to you. I need to run to the store. Be right back.. 

OK... I'm back. Stopped by Judy's to see Shaun for a few cuz he spends so much time over there. He's trying to help her get a room ready for his friend who's mom is about to pass away. Her name is Linda. She has cancer. The dr's are waiting for her to go into a coma. They said when she does she won't wake up again. That's so sad. Judy asked Shaun to get something for her and he didn't jump at that specific moment so she started complaining so I left and went to the store. Sometimes I feel like I'm just here. Like I'm just here to do for him. Clean the house and cook for him. He hardly ever spends time with me. Makes me feel so worthless at times. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I just don't like spending every day off I get cleaning or spending all of my time alone. Heck, I can be alone at work. I don't know if things are that bad daddy, but there are times I feel so alone and so far from home. I have friends here but I miss mom. I guess that's all I miss about home. Her. And you. I miss you. I printed out that picture the other day, the one I showed you last time. Have it in a frame on my headboard. Still have times I think that all this can't be real. Still think or wish that mom would call and say, Hey, guess who came home? And does he have a story to tell you. Cuz I'm sure you have quite the tale to tell. I'm off for 3 days now. They started that a couple weeks ago. Work me 4 days and off 3. I guess it's OK. I wish mom lived closer so I could go to her house for a day or two. Some day soon she will hopefully. Even if she moves to Illinois to be closer to Auntie. She'd only be like 6 hrs from me. Moving from El Dorado is gonna be a chore but things just aren't the same there anymore. Things there are changing a lot. Putting the school across from your house. That'll be fun. Don't know much else. Just know I miss you. I think I'm gonna take a nap. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

Took my nap. Felt a little better when I woke up but feeling again like hmm, why bother? Rob got home from school. I got to do his chores and homework. Yeah, peachy, huh? One of his chores today was to sweep the kitchen and living room. He half assed it as usual. I got the broom and swept and got up a whole pile of cat hair he "missed". I know he's not learning how to do it if I don't make him do it but it drives me bonkers to have to follow behind him and check his work. Then his homework, he has to write down the first 10 minutes of the 5pm news. The "A" block. Those stupid news ppl talk so fast, there is no way that Boo can write it all down. Gonna have to come up with something else to help him get it done. He can type pretty fast so I think we will be able to type it up. Using a computer is part of his IEP so his teacher has to accept it. I don't know much else. I'm bored and tired. Think I'm gonna go veg. I love you. (Big Hug!) <3 

January 12

Hey papa. Can you believe this crap?! We got snow on Sunday night, right? A lot of snow, for around here. Like 8 inches. So.. what has that done to the area you ask?  Paralyzed us all papa!! Can you believe it? The kids have been out of school since December 18th. They've called school off for the whole week! The whole week!!! I still had to go to work. Made it to n from safely, thanx for being with me. Plus I was on time both days. Both days were hell though. Monday we were so so busy, cuz we were the only place open. Hardee's, McDonald's and Burger King were all closed. We were the only place on the strip opened. On top of that, all of the 2nd shift crew called out. We ended up closing at 4pm. We opened at 8 on Tuesday but I still had to be there early. Ended up staying past my time to get off work cuz the big boss was there and kept assigning me detail cleaning jobs. Seriously. I wanted to say something but he's the big boss. I like the guy but he can sure push buttons. What was funny though is that customers would ask me how I got to work and I would say, I drove and they would say, Really? Did you have any problems? Well no, I'm from Kansas darlin'... this weather ain't nothing. Just use your common sense! :) Glad though I had today and the next 2 off. Yay me. Gonna do a whole lot of nothing. I don't know much else. Just really annoyed that they have the kids out for no reason. They really need to teach these ppl how to drive in this weather down here. Do you have winter in heaven? Wait, no you don't according to that song. It's probably like a comfortable 68 there all the time. You never liked it too warm or cold anyway. Can't says I blame ya! I miss you so much papa. That picture mom took when you guys were at some restaurant, I look at it and its like looking right at ya. Like I can almost connect with you and you are looking right back at me.

I was thinking today about you, and it happening... and finding out, I was the last one to know. I'm not upset that I was the last to know but just wish I hadn't been in a way too. I wish I had been there, been with you, maybe I coulda seen the truck and told you to stop and you'd be here now. I know we can't woulda coulda shoulda but, oh daddy! My sweet papa bear. You are some place I didn't want you to have to see for a long, long time. I watched some show today and there was a young guy, in his 20s that had been out partying and he OD'd and almost died and is now a quadriplegic and can't talk anymore, just use his hands for yes and no questions. Made me think what mom had said, There are worse things then being dead. I think how I wish you had made it through the accident, you'd still be here with us but what quality of life would you have? I'd be there to help mom take care of you but how unfair  and awful it would be to be like a prisoner inside yourself and maybe not be able to communicate with us. Heavy thoughts I know. Just some things I think about some times. Plus I watch too much TV and maybe have too much time on my hands.

 Wish you were here to have a talk with your grandson. He's still talking to that girl. That 22 yr old from New York. I blocked her number on his phone but he's found other ways to talk to her. She plays this game he does and they talk to each other when they are playing it. Has me so mad. Shaun says he's not OK with it but he is supporting it by not stopping it. He said I'm over reacting and I need to let him grow up and that we can't keep protecting him. Yes we can!! He says that he's 17. Yes he is correct. He is 17. Not an adult so we can still tell him what to do. Don't know what to do about it either. Rob said she knows that she is too old for him. Well apparently she doesn't know much if she is still talking to my son. OK. I'm done for tonight. Thank you for listening. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

January 9

Hey Papa. Happy Birthday!!! So, did the angels wake you with fanfare of the wonderfulness of you?! Today I took the day off so I could celebrate you and honor you the best I could. So, wanna know what I did? Sure you do! I started the day with making breakfast for you. I made sausage links and over medium eggs and pancakes. That's what you would have at the bar when we'd go out, remember? I miss having breakfast with you. That's one of the gazillion things I miss about you. I listened to your phone messages and watched the video and cried like a baby. I miss you so much dad. Mama played "Just Beyond the Moon" and played the video for everyone at church today. She said it really moved some ppl. Ppl haven't forgotten you dad. How could they? You were an amazing person. I tried to watch a western for you today but just couldn't get into it. Sorry. I did make you a pie today. Coconut custard. Getting ready to go make dinner now. We're gonna have steak and baked potatoes. For you papa. Just wish you were here to enjoy it with us. OK papa.. I need to go make dinner. Have a good evening. I love you papa. (forehead kiss~~ and a Great big Hug!!) Talk to you in a little bit <3

January 1

Happy New Year papa. I dont know nothing. Just wanted to make an entry today since it's 1/1/11.. crazy huh? Work was OK today. We weren't too busy. Steady but not busy. Whew!! Had some drunk people in this morning. They ordered about everything on the menu. See, I told you I didn't know nothing. Love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

December 31

Hey Papa. Happy New Year. Yeah. Woo Hoo. Today is Boo's 17th birthday. Can you believe it papa? Where did all the time go? Just a year ago you were here. I'm so thankful that you and mama came for Christmas and his birthday last year. Who knew, huh? Yeah, we've had this discussion already. OK. Today was OK I guess. We went and got a few things from Wal-Mart this am and then came home and he had his birthday breakfast. Donut holes and chocolate milk. We've been doing that for years. It's kinda our thing. One of the little things that make him smile. That's what his day is about. Making him smile.

We got these amazing back massager things today that are go in our chairs and wow dad.. you would like this!! They are like those chairs that cost so much but these are like mats that go in your chair. They were on clearance at Wally world. 12 bux! Also got me a foot massager thing. I've been having trouble with my right foot. It hurts so bad. I'm not sure what I did to it. I feel like an 80 year old lady when I get up from being in bed or sitting awhile. I wanna go to the doctor but can't afford it. We'll see what happens. 

We got Rob a few things he was wanting. He actually seemed appreciative. I was happy. He likes doing the family birthday thing I think. Seems to anyway. I got him a mushy card. It made him tear up. :) I could always pick 'em, huh papa? No, it's not my intention to make the person cry but if it happens, my job is done. :P   Still can't believe my son is 17, where did the time go? You were there for all of them. I'm glad that Rob got to know his grandpa. He will remember you and all that you taught and instilled in him. I'm thankful for that. I cherish it as much as I hope he does. I wish that you were gonna be able to be here for his graduation but I will have to settle with having you here in spirit and in our hearts. Doesn't seem fair but it's all we have now.

Rob n Shaun went to Judy's for the rest of today. Gonna ring in the new year with her and the rest of them. Gonna shoot off fireworks tonight at midnight. To ring in the new year and also for Rob's birthday. 

Brian's truck got broken into! It was right outside his house too! You know where he parks it there at the entrance? Oh daddy. He got both his computers taken, his garmin, his psp, pocket knives that you had given him, his wallet and the keys to the truck! He said it looked like they tried to take the truck but couldn't figure it out. He said it didn't seem as if the cops or his work cared. The police took the report over the phone.. can you believe it?! and work said, let them take the truck. Sheesh. I feel so bad for him. Things he worked so hard for and his wallet.. omg!! He doesn't seem too upset about it missing.. what?!! I'd be frantic! He didn't call the bank or anything. Lost his license, his bank cards, his flying j card, his fuel card.. everything!! 

Well papa.. I gotta get to bed. Work at 6am. Ugh. I'm hoping that we are slow. But since I wrote that probably just jinxed myself. I hope not. My foot hurts too bad to be running around like crazy. Before I go, here's a pic of you n Rob on his last birthday. Tears at my heart strings cuz it seems like just yesterday. I watched a show tonight called Disappeared. That's what I feel like you did, just disappear. But you are in my heart papa. Always. I must sleep. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

December 25

Merry Christmas daddy. I wanna be able to call you and tell you that. Not leave the message here. But I can't. Did you tell Jesus we said Happy Birthday? Has he had his party yet? Did you get anything good this year? I didn't. I got some money from mom, that's good but didn't get anything else worth speaking about. Storage bowls and a program to make a family tree. I stopped working on the family tree cuz I have to go back in and add info to yours and I'm not ready to do that. Judy got me both things. Shaun didn't get me anything. I got him some points for him to buy crap in his Sims game. Judy got Rob a magic kit. He opened it last night, learned a few of the tricks and did them for us.. it was actually pretty cool. Needs to work on his presentation a little but he still did good. Made me smile and it felt good to smile for a change. Shaun's at his mom's. He's been spending a lot of time over there. Apparently I'm not much fun to be around. OK. I accept that cuz I haven't been. My friend at work, her mom passed away last night. Did you see her arrive? How many arrivals do they have up there everyday? That's another one of those "I wonder" questions. A bit morbid. Sorry. Give her a hug for Charlene, will ya? I don't know her name. She had a mild heart attack on Monday and Thursday was well enough to go home and then last night about 930 passed away. I don't know what exactly happened. I just feel so bad for Charlene. She's about my only friend at work. Ask God to give her and her family peace. I'm praying for her too. I don't know much else. It's snowing. Oh joy. I hate snow dad. I have to go to work in this yuck at 530 in the morning. Only good thing about that is there won't be too many yo-yo's out in it at that time. If these ppl have any sense in their heads they will stay home instead of going out driving in the stuff. We are opening at 5am tomorrow cuz they think we are gonna be busy. I pray we're not. Gotta go turn my car around in the driveway so I can get out in the morning. I love you. Merry Christmas again papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

December 24

Bah Humbug daddy. How are you today? I have zero Christmas spirit. It's just another day this year. I know it's still the celebration of Jesus but don't feel like celebrating much. We've gotten Rob some gifts so he will have a nice Christmas, hopefully. But being an ungrateful teenager I'm sure we will fall short somehow. This week has been crappy. I've only gotten maybe 15 hrs this week. 15 dad! That won't even pay the bills. We had too many ppl there so lucky me got picked to go home cuz I was one of the first ones there both days. I thought I'd come home yesterday and try to do something festive but just didn't have it in me and also no money to go get the ingredients to make anything. Life is just generally sucky as of late. I've been crying a lot the last few days, thinking of you. I just keep thinking how unfair and not possible it is for you to be gone because you were just here.. and now, you are gone. Poof, gone. Not even a goodbye got to be said. I found this song on YouTube.  How I wish I could talk to you.

 There's this customer that comes in that reminds me of you. He has blue eyes like yours, a long beard like yours, his mannerisms, the way he talks. The other day he was in there and was talking to one of his friends about his hips hurting him and they want to do surgery but can't cuz if they put him to sleep he might not wake up..just makes me think of what mom was saying about that surgery you were supposed to have before this happened. I had to leave the lobby cuz the more he talked the more I thought of you and about started to cry and crying at work just isn't cool. Things around here haven't been that great. Shaun has been a royal PITA, ask mom, she can tell you what that stands for, lol. He's been riding Rob's butt about everything, has been a total grinch. He went shopping with his mom and she got me and Rob something and he just gives it to us. Doesn't wait until Christmas, doesn't try to make it a surprise or anything, just gives it to us. I'm not getting anything for Christmas anyway, huh, why? Because we don't have the money. We had to sell stuff just to get Rob's stuff. We sold some video games, books and movies. I told you about that, at McKay's, remember?  Anyway.. I'm just saying, I'm not getting much.. and to know what the gifts are.. what's the fun in that? Makes me not even wanna open them. She got me something else and he told me what it was. Storage bowls.. yeah.. whoopee.. like I needed more storage bowls. 

Have been having a time with Rob too. His attitude towards Shaun. OMG dad. If you heard how he's been talking to and about his dad.. let's just say, if we had done it when we were kids, we'd be toothless. He's been cussing him, calling him an A-hole. That's what he says..tells Shaun he's an A-hole. Shaun finally had enough of it and made Rob explain himself and Rob apologized. I know if you were here you'd be on the phone with your favorite grandson giving him a good talking to. Miss that you aren't here to do that anymore. He'd straighten right up when you'd talk to him. Just so sick of being their referree. Told Shaun that too. He's going to get his sister on Sunday. We're supposed to have snow tonight into tomorrow. I hate snow. Always have. Cold, yucky white stuff. Ppl around here have no clue how to drive in it. I worry about him going to get her cuz he has to go through Atlanta and they certainly don't know how to drive in it. They don't know how to drive down there anyway regardless of the weather. 

Judy invited me to come over for Christmas dinner tomorrow but I don't think I'm gonna go cuz I just don't feel like celebrating anything plus I have to work early on Sunday and I don't want to hear her incessant talking. Yammering on about not a thing. I have to listen to Donna constantly running her mouth at work everyday. I have a choice about it when I get home. I come home and do what I want and so I think I'm going to do what I want and stay home. Shaun told me yesterday that he knows that you wouldn't have wanted me to quit living my life cuz you left. I know you wouldn't have dad but I haven't and don't feel like doing anything. I haven't quilted or sewn or felt like doing anything for quite a while. 189 days in fact. Losing you, I lost a part of me. I don't know where or when I'll find it again but I haven't even felt like looking for it yet. 

Mom is doing ok. She misses you just awful. She baked a whole bunch of pies for Christmas gifts and made Chris a cinnamon chocolate cake, the lucky dog. I love that cake! Bet you were sitting in your chair soaking up all the good smells. Did you let her know you were there? She needs to know you are still there keeping her safe. Thank you for helping her figure out how to fix the furnace the other day. I was so worried about her not having heat. She told me the other day that Snick ran off when she got home from running errands with her. She was so mad at him. She said he's grounded now for a while. It would be not just heart breaking but crushing to lose him so soon after losing you. I know it's been 6 months since you had to go but still feels like yesterday. Guess I'll go. Merry Christmas daddy. Tell Jesus we said Happy Birthday. Eat a big piece of cake for me. I love you papa bear. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3