May 29

Hi dad. I know I don't come here as often as I did. It doesn't mean I'm over you being gone or don't wanna talk. I've learned you are everywhere with me. You're in my heart n soul and always will be. I wish Heaven had phones or visiting hours. I'd be there all the time or you'd be at least just a phone call away. Things are going OK. Joe and I are doing good. He's without a job again. He was working at a window install place and a couple weeks ago the boss met him soon as he got there and told him he didn't fit in and suggested he find something else. Felt so bad for him. His so called friend Andy who helped him get the job has stopped talking to him too. He doesn't know why and says he doesn't care. He'll find something else I know he will. He's a good man daddy. Takes good care of your baby girl. I still wish you could've met him. He could have used having a father figure in his life like you. I know you didn't always approve of Shaun's stupidity but you were always nice to him. I think though you and Joe could have been great friends. He's got common sense and uses it. He can also hold an intelligent conversation. Lol. I'm learning he's not perfect but he's perfect to me. Just like you were. Mom would get so frustrated when I'd go on about how wonderful you were. Remember? Lol. I knew you weren't perfect. But you were to me.

So how's it going up there? I like to believe you have this amazing log cabin and on the porch are two rocking chairs and you sit patiently and wait for mom. That you have this beautiful lake out in front that has impeccable landscaping and you can fish whenever you like and catch the biggest catfish. That your hips, knees and back no longer hurt and you only need your glasses to compliment your outfit not to see because your vision is again perfect. I have to believe this for my own sanity. I came across the pictures of your accident. The truck and you laid out. Still hard to look at them. 

I got my money center stuff done and am now in the money center. I love it daddy. It's usually quiet in there and I like the quiet. I truly hope I can work at Walmart the rest of my working days. I like it so much. I'm getting decent hours and good pay. No benefits except that I have a job. Thankful for that.

I'm really, really bored today. :( Joe went to Charlotte today with his sister to the race. He wasn't going to but changed his mind at the last minute. I could have gone but it didn't feel right. I don't know any of the ppl that went plus we're broke and I didn't feel right spending someone else's money but he apparently has no problem doing it. So I'm here, bored and alone. I'm just hanging out in my room, watching the race on TV. 

Mom found out she has a right bundle branch blockage. She's had tests and stuff and says she's ok. I hope she truly is. I worry so much about her. I can't lose her daddy. I know you need her too but I just pray we get to keep her a while longer. She just got back from seeing Richard. I guess had fun. Didn't really talk about it. I'm hoping to see her on June 20th. I have to work on the 17th. I haven't worked on June 17 since you left, it's been 6 years. I guess it's time. It's hard getting time off from work anyway. You'll definitely be on my mind. You always are. 

Rob is coming in July. I'm excited but also a little meh about it. He doesn't talk to me much and I think it's going to be awkward. He doesn't like Joe and I'm all about Joe. I just hope they get along and Rob isn't disrespectful to him. Joe would take it but not for long. There's times I wish that I had met Joe sooner so he could have been an influence to him. I think it would have done Rob good. But I know S would have gotten his mom to help fight to keep Robbie. Oh well. It is what it is. I don't know much else. Guess I'll go. I love you dad. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

March 22

Hi dad. I miss Rob a lot. Ain't seen his punk ass since he left almost 3 years ago. April 1 will be 3 years. I never thought he'd leave for one and two, that he'd never come back. I think I was a good mom to him. He was the air I breathed. He n I were so close and now our relationship is not what it was and probably never will be again. He likes to blame it on Joe. Says Joe is the issue but part of me thinks maybe I did mother him too much. Smothered him with too much love, if that's possible. I don't know papa, I just know I miss my son. And you. I miss you something awful. If you were here you could maybe talk some sense into him. He said he might come in July. I hope he does, I doubt he will though. 

I've been working on the family tree stuff. I've found out so many interesting things. I wish you were around so I could tell you about it and ask you things. I've been asking Uncle Dennis about your kin and he said he didn't know anything and keeps referring me to Aunt Nonie. I don't want to talk to her. Lucretia contacted me on FB, I guess cuz UD told her I was asking stuff and told me she'd tell her I had questions. I told her I'd be OK. I had that family tree stuff Uncle Virgil had given us but it's all Greek to me. I haven't come across any of the ppl in it yet. I don't know where they fall in the line. I'm looking mainly for direct blood relatives, not every single person. Ppl's spouses and children, that stuff, though interesting kinda throws me off track. I need to get a notebook and write down what I got or print out what I have. You might be impressed with all I've found. It's a lot. 

I started my new position the other day. Last night I closed service desk by myself. I think I did alright. I have to get the money center learning stuff done asap cuz I start over there on Saturday. Idk when I'll have the time though cuz I have to do them on the clock. I'm sure I'll get them done, just don't know when. 

Mom is quitting her job at the laundry mat. The owner n her daughter are being bitches to her. Momma doesn't deserve to be treated like that at all. Makes me wanna smack the lady. Mom n auntie were there when no one else were, even the daughter. When Karen was sick n couldn't be there, they were. Not the daughter. I really hope mom will be ok without the extra money. She thinks she will if she's careful. I don't know what that means. Idk if it means, ho hum I'll eat cold beans and use candles to save energy so I can pay my bills or if it means she just can't do as much traveling and spending. I worry about her daddy. I wish she was 10 minutes away, not 6-1/2 hours. I know she's where she wants to be, I just wish it was here. I made her promise me that when she can no longer take care of herself she come live with us, she did but I don't expect it to be for quite a while. I know though mom is a very strong willed, independent person. I wonder if the money Uncle Al was to invest for y'all is worth anything if she needs it. Hmm. Idk papa. Keep an eye on her, OK? I love you. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

March 8

Hi papa. It's been a minute since we've talked. How goes it in Heaven? Down here all hell is breaking loose. Ppl done lost their minds. Donald Trump n Hillary Clinton are front runners for president. Lord help us all. I have not much of an opinion about the election except we are so screwed if either of these idiots get elected. Hillary will give us 4 more years of the same crap Obama has put us through. She reminds me of that horrible substitute teacher you hoped you'd never get because she just yells and treats everyone as if they are the idiot when it's her that doesn't know squat and Donald will surely lead us into the next world, if not, civil war. He's so awful. Such a biggot and so rude. There will be a race war for sure. You would be shocked if you saw some of the things they've ok'd and society has accepted nowadays. Sodom n Gomorrah is surely happening again. The day's gonna come and ppl are gonna be rudely awoken and reminded who's in charge. 

Mom is on her way home from being here and in Florida. She came February 20th with auntie. They were here for the weekend then drove to Florida. They went to Sea World and Disney. Then auntie flew home and mom stayed and she went to a quilt retreat with a bunch of other ladies. Pampered herself n had a grand time. I was so happy that she got to go do it. She deserved to spoil herself a bit. She worked so hard for so many years as you know. She stopped and saw your sister Sunday. She gave mom some pictures of you when you were a kid. You were so handsome and they reminded me of Rob. And those blue eyes. I always loved your blue eyes. Like windows to your soul. I miss you so much daddy. Oh the talks we'd have if only we could. How I miss our weekly phone calls.  Snick was an utter trial while she was away. He wouldn't go out for us unless we drug him outside then would stand at the door and look at us like why am I out here? He is a sweet puppy but not gonna lie, I'm glad he's gone home. I wish mom could have stayed longer but I know she had to get home. I enjoy when she's here. The older I get the more I just want time with her. Even if we just hang out and fall asleep on the couch together. I cried a little after she left. I don't usually cry when she leaves but idk, just teared up a bit saying goodbye to her this time. Idk when I'll get to see her again. Probably the summer or fall. 

Things with Joe are good. I'm still happy. Just days I'm not. I feel at times he's a bit controlling and things have to be just so. Like I don't have a voice and my opinion doesn't count. If I voice my opinion, he scoffs and says I'm being silly. I do things his way to avoid conflict. In the end it doesn't really matter and overall I'm much happier than I used to be. Life is much better than it was before with S. Past couple months have been kinda hard because he quit BK but we've made it thru. Bills are paid and there's food to eat. The essentials. We'll both be happy when we're able to start saving money again along with having the essentials. He just started a new job installing windows in buildings. It's outside work and he loves being outside. He was able to get his drivers license back and also got a vehicle with the help of our landlord. We owe the landlord like close to 5 grand but Joe thinks we can get him paid back pretty quick. Idk. I need to get mom paid back as well. 

Things at my job are good. I'm so enjoying it. I've always wanted to be a cashier and now I am and I love it. They are working getting me trained for service desk n hopefully soon for the money center where I'll be able to cash checks and do money orders. 

Ya know, it's been almost three years since I've seen Robbie. April 1 it will be three years. I never thought when he drove off that day I'd never see him again. My sweet baby boy. He n I were so close and now our relationship is nothing like it was. I think it would be quite awkward if I got to see him, sorta strained. I would hope it wouldn't be but it might. It's just like he doesn't have the time for me when he calls. He drones on about things I don't understand. I tell him a little about what's going on with me and then when I start asking questions he's got to go like he doesn't want me to know things. Idk, it's just awkward and annoys me.  I guess if I think about things it all boils down to I'm not in charge of anything anymore and I don't know how to handle it sometimes. I feel unwanted and not needed by, frankly, everyone. Ppl say they want me around but there are times I feel it would be best for everyone if I wasn't. I'm just existing but idk what for. Some ppl may read more into that then there is. I'd never check out, I'll just go along and keep my mouth shut. 

I've had an awful cold for two weeks. Keep spitting n blowing out this awful green yuck. Just want it to go away. I love you daddy. I miss you so much. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

February 28

I sure miss you daddy. 

(Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

December 20

Hi papa. Mom and Auntie have arrived! Aunt Norma brought mom down cuz she hit a deer last week. Did quite the doozy to her car but thank the heavens she's OK. Mom will be here for 3 weeks, thru Christmas and New Years, auntie must go home tomorrow. :(   She brought Snick too. He's getting old papa. I hope he has several years left but sadly I'm not so sure. He's such a sweet boy. 

I don't know a lot. Work is going OK. I'm so liking it daddy. Thru Christmas I have 40 hours but the week after I drop to 31. :( But I'm still gainfully employed and still gonna do my best. I think they like me well enough. If they drop below 30 ima talk to Cindy and see if I can get more by any chance. Joe is having a tough time at his work. Lack of communication. Other managers are stealing money. The GM doesn't do her job. They are incredibly short handed. He wants to quit so bad but he knows he doesn't have many other options at this point. He gets so mad and says he's had enough and wants to quit but then he'll calm down and tries again. I'm proud of him that he keeps trying but I know how awful fast food is. I wish so bad that the higher ups knew what Trish n Sam were doing. They take about $200 every day. By doing voids mainly. Trish has a drug problem and will sometimes keep the deposit longer than she should so she can use that money to get her pills. Then when Matt screams about a missing deposit she hurries n gets it in the bank and says she forgot. I wanna tell them, him, someone but it's not my place. Joe was so mad the other day that he told me to tell him but I didn't. 

I don't know much more. Just living life and being happy. I miss you papa. So much. I love you. (Forehead Kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

November 22

Hi daddy. Doing good. Wish I could call you, see you instead of just feel you around me, think about you. Memories are all we got left and they are some very wonderful ones. I'm thankful for every minute we got to spend together. Every time I saw you I was convinced it was the last time. I'm glad I kept your voicemails too. I'm really liking it at Walmart. It's so fun. I thought it'd be harder than it is but its so easy. There are a few things I'm still learning but I'll get it. 

Mom is heading to Richard's this week for Thanksgiving. Hope she has a good time. Hope he's nice to her. I told him he's basically dead to me. I'm so done with him. He's such a pompous ass. I know you guys would rather we just get along but hard to do when he asks like he's superior when he's clearly not. He acts like he has this big important secret life when he's just a maintenance man for the school district that has a wife and kids. He tells mom he doesn't want me in his business. HA! Like he has any business I'd want to be in. What happened to just knowing your brother/sister was OK, just being family. I was thinking back and I think since he lived in Liberal right before he got with Traci, he was dating this black girl, is when things got weird with him n I. There's only so many times you can make amends before you say heck with it. Ridiculous he's like that anyway, that you have to walk on egg shells just right to be on his good side. It is what it is. I still have a brother, named Brian. He can be a jerk and talk incessantly at times about nothing but I love him. 

I have to work on Thanksgiving. Don't think it's gonna be fun but it's money. I like the lady in HR. Her name is Cindy. She gave me some extra hours for this next week. She thinks I can go far if I apply myself. Said maybe by summer I can be a CSM. Idk, right now I'm just enjoying being a cashier. Don't know much else. I miss you papa. I love you. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

November 12

Hi daddy. Been a bit since I wrote you. I started a new job. I'm at Walmart now. Hopefully my last stop for a while. A long while. So far I'm loving it, it is so much fun. Ask me again in 6 months. Heck, 6 weeks. Hopefully I'll say the same thing. Me n Joe are doing great. I love you daddy. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.