October 21

I GOT IT DAD! They called today. I went n finished my paperwork. I'm so excited! Wish you were here! Love you daddy! (Forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. :) 

October 20

Hi daddy. Nope, I haven't forgot about you. Never ever could! Just been living life. I've seen you watching over me and it's always so nice to see that big full moon shining down on me. Like a big flashlight leading the way. Things are going good. Still happy as a clam with Joe. How I wish y'all coulda known each other. Daddy, he's every reason I'm happy these days. Treats me like a queen. :) You'd be proud to call him your son in law. I was thinking today about how he was the piece I needed to complete my puzzle n also the peace I needed in my life. Things have been going good. Work is going OK. Joe is still at BK. I'm still at Long Johns for the time being, I've applied and interviewed and basically gotten the job at Bi-Lo, I'm just waiting for a phone call back from the hiring manager that all's well with my drug test n background check and I can start. I'm so amazingly beyond excited I'm gonna work there God willing n the creek don't rise. ;) So if you would nudge the big guy up there to pull these strings for me? Oh daddy. I just miss you so much, miss your phone calls, you. I still have your number in my phone. I know that you'll never be able to call me from it again. I just can't get myself to delete it. Anyway about work, I had a hiccup with Missy and all is not right in fish land. I got my hours massively cut for like most of August after my vacation until a couple weeks ago cuz she misunderstood me when I told her that I was interested in taking tax classes and if I took them they'd be in the evening, and again told her and told her again  Now, I know that I work 9-4 Mondays n Tuesday, and in the evenings on Friday and Saturday so why would I take day classes when I know I work during the day? You're not here and I'm sure you even understand the sense in that. I had planned to take the night classes. But she cut my hours drastically. I'd ask why and she'd give me some bs excuse, tell me things would go back to what they were, I'd swallow my tongue and believe her and the next week it was the same. There were weeks I got like 19 hours. I got bills to pay. Mom to get paid back. Life in general to live. How do you survive on 19 hrs?! So, after I've had almost a week off I go to work as scheduled. Haven't seen Missy this whole time, go in and she doesn't say one word to me. Nothing. She's talking to everyone else around me. Tells the crew that comes in after me hello and how you doing? So I'm thinking like, WTF? Nope! Nope! I'm not playing these mind games, I'm through, I'm outta here. This is what is screaming in my head and I want to burst into tears cuz I'm so mad but actually I swallowed my pride and bite my tongue and stayed and finished my shift. I talked to Joe and he told me to quit. Said no one was going to treat his wife like that. I seriously considered quitting but I didn't. I did, however, apply to some places and Bi-Lo was one of them. The next day I text Missy n tell her I wanted to talk to her and so I did when I went in that night, she tells me the reason she didn't talk to me is cuz she didn't think I wanted to talk. Um, ok...whatever. Tells me she doesn't want me to quit but if I'm not happy she doesn't want me to stay. Understandable. I think that it's over. Things are back to normal, then I start thinking what if I do go ahead and get another job. What if one of these places calls me back? I got a call for an interview at Kmart, I was excited then quickly no longer excited when dude tells me it's just for the holidays and 20-25 hrs at most. Gee thanks but that helps not at all. A few days go by and then last week Bilo calls! I go interview, he offers me $9/hr, tells me it's like 28-30 hrs. That's what I'm working now but at $9, ok! Plus he says for a little while it'll def be over 30 hrs. I can so deal with that. Get paid every week. Yes please! Sends me my paperwork online, I filled it out. Sent me to take a drug test, took his copy of the form back to him. Tells me to watch my email. So I am, like a hawk. There's 2 full time positions open but he said he can't hire full time off the street, even though I'm definitely qualified, says you have to be promoted within..ok, challenge accepted. Get me in and I'll show ya I deserve it. Oh daddy...I'm so excited! So.....we're being prayer monsters right now. I know you shouldn't just pray when you want something and I don't. But dad, oh how I want this! Need this! Idk how ima tell Missy when it's time but I'm sure I'll manage. Joe and mom and whoever else I've talked to, which hasn't been many, have all been so supportive and told me make sure it's yours before you quit. I know this. Joe wouldn't care if I went ahead and quit but I just can't. He told me I don't owe one thing to Missy and although I agree I just can't quit w/o for sure having this. I quit Krystal w/o having another job and felt awful about myself, felt guilty he was working so hard for us and I was busy having a pity party.  He is so amazing and supportive. S woulda been mad at me, turned things around and made me feel incredibly guilty about wanting to get a different job but Joe is absolutely nothing like S. He asked me a couple days of knowing him what I wanted, I told him..to be happy. And if he hasn't worked hard doing everything in his power to make me happy..oh daddy...see, I'm telling you, you'd love him! He is so good to your baby girl. I enjoy him, enjoy being his wife. He's just fantastic!

  Hmm, what else have I been up to? I'm taking tax classes. I was/am(maybe) planning on doing taxes this tax season. The classes are free and I'm learning a lot but the part I'm wrestling with is charging ppl who really can't afford it these absorbent amounts to do their taxes when they can go online and do them for free! Plus if, no When! I get Bilo I wanna be able to work whatever they need me to so I'm considering letting the classes go. We had to role play the other night and it was horrible. We get these forms the night before, she goes over them quickly so I don't really grasp that we'll be working with them over n over until we get our spiel down and then one of the guys in my class says he won't be here for our next class so she tells me and the other lady to join her Wednesday night class the next night. We do and I wanted to walk out, run out before things even got started. We role play and haven't a clue the order I'm to go in, what I'm supposed to say, nothing. I totally choked, plus I was pissed that she did that to me and Pat when we had no idea what to do. I role played as the preparer and then the customer, I was a good customer. I was obnoxious. I got obnoxious down pat. :)

 Mom will be coming for turkey day. She's going to take the bus. Only cuz it's so cheap. But maybe cuz also she'll get to experience something different and see the pretty fall leaves and such. I wish we could ride the bus together. That'd be fun. She'll be here for two whole weeks. Idk what we'll do but it'll be nice to just be together. Me and Joe will probably have to work most of the time but hopefully we'll be able to do some fun stuff on our days off. Idk nuffin else. Talk to God for me, I'm gonna be for sure, I wish I could actually talk to you. I miss you dad. Oh, wanted to show you what bubby did for you. I like it, I think you would've too. See...

Mom wasn't too excited about him doing it. Don't know why but I like it. Your number one son is still thinking about you too...now, you're with him everyday and that's kewl as hell. Richard bought a house in Mulvane. Idk what it looks like, I'll probably never see it. He and I still don't talk. I've apologized for even breathing but he still doesn't talk to me. It is what it is. Sad cuz he and I used to be so close. Anyway, guess I'll go. Nice that you visited Rob in his dream. He told me all about it. I told Joe about it and he just smiled. See, Joe believes that when you die your soul doesn't go to Heaven, that we lie in the ground and when The Lord comes back then that's when the saints will rise and join him in Heaven. And when we get to Heaven we won't know our loved ones as our loved ones. They'll just be ppl in Heaven with us. I don't believe this, never have, never will. Our souls go to Heaven when we die, we leave our earthly shell, and go be with God and we do know our loved ones, we are together again as a family and we don't hurt or have any pains or worries anymore. I believe Heaven is a wonderful beautiful place. You have a log cabin next to the lake and have all the animals you had as a boy and growing up and a fire place and rocking chair and you wittle all day. That's what I like to think anyway. Ok, ok...I'm going. I love you dad. I miss you, (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

August 15

Hey Papa! Today is my birthday! Wish you were here but I know that you're watching over me from heaven. Let me catch you up 

on what's happening in my world. Like I was saying, today is all about Mindy day. So far its been a good day. We went out and got the fixings to make my birthday cake. Triple chocolate with milk chocolate frosting. Joe hasn't made it yet but is going to. It's going to be yummy! We're making a pot roast for dinner. The house smells amazing! I got a few cards. 3. One from Rob, aunt Patty n mom. Idk what else we'll do today but it'll be great even if we just watch Netflix n snuggle. 

Joe didn't get me anything but we also just got back from Chicago. I gotta tell you about that too! When we told ppl we were going to Chicago for vacation they were like, Chicago? Really?..yes really! Joe grew up there, his ex wife's family is there and his kids. Didn't go to see them. Tried to see his oldest son but he wouldn't meet us anywhere. I think Joe might have been a little disappointed but didn't let it bother him. 

OK..so Monday we went to mom's to stay the night. We got there about 5 and spent the evening with Deb. We went n had dinner at this bbq place they have there in Robinson. I had the bbq sundae. Yes, you heard me right...bbq sundae. It was in this small metal bowl Joe kept saying looked like a dog bowl, but it was mashed potatoes, baked beans, coleslaw, pulled pork n bbq sauce. It was actually quite good. They could've left out the coleslaw but it was still good. We ran to Wal-mart n got phase 10 then went back to Deb's n played with her n Fred. Joe ended up winning. It was an enjoyable evening. It was the most I've ever spoken to or heard Fred talk. We then went over to mom's. I guess not having mom there the fleas were having a convention at her place. Oh daddy...um, yikes?!.. We didn't do much but try to sleep. I wanted to clean up her kitchen but the fleas were having me for dinner and Joe wouldn't let me cuz we were on vacation. Tuesday we head for Chicago. I was so excited n anxious to get there. We got there about 2 n went to the Field Museum cuz it was raining. I guess I'm just not a museum kinda girl cuz I didn't find much interesting there. Joe enjoyed it though. He felt bad that I didn't like it. Pish posh..there is gonna be plenty things I wanna do he may not enjoy in this life, ya know? To park there costs us $19! Yikes! I didn't figure parking into our budget so it was like whoa! when we saw that.

Traffic in Chicago was busy busy. I kept up n didn't get run over or anything. I was proud of me..so was Joe. :) We drove to the part of town he lived in and tried finding his kids but they had moved from the house where they lived. We ate at Portillo's. Had beef sandwiches. So yummy n tender! You'd have love them! Then we found a hotel in Rolling Meadows. That was intersting, when we pulled up there were a bunch of police there so I was a little nervous but Joe said that was normal and assured me that we'd be fine and we were. Wednesday we  headed to the Brookfield zoo. We found some little hole in the wall place and had a delicious breakfast. It was the cutest place. The fried potatoes were almost as good as yours always were. Made me smile..like you were in the kitchen making them. 

We got to the zoo and it was so fun. So many different animals and such a big place. Took about 3 hours to discover the whole thing. It was so fun though. We went to the Navy Pier after that. Getting there was tricky but we got there. Parking was $21! We walked along the pier for a while, went thru the little shops, went thru a stained glass museum..that was really pretty. We rode the ferris wheel. :) It was a fast trip around it seemed but so fun! We then walked downtown. So many ppl. We kept seeing ppl walking with bags that said Treasure Island and I wanted to see what it was. We asked some guy what it was and he just said, its here. Um, yeah..thank you very little. We asked another lady and she said it was a grocery store inside this building. We went in this huge building that had everything daddy. A walgreens, Ace Hardware, doctors offices, apartments. Daddy, I think you could probably exist in that building and never leave it. We found treasure island..it was so neat. Reasonable prices, a huge selection. I was impressed. 

We drove back to Robinson and slept at mom's. The fleas this time were a little better. I wish mom could have been there. She's planning on coming to see us after she gets back from Utah. She went to Montana for a quilt class and then on to Utah. She saw Rob and then went to Brad's to help take care of him. He was at work a few weeks ago and his work truck ran over him. His leg isn't getting any better. He had to have surgery last week to cut out the gangrene that was setting in. April is going back to work so no one will be there for him. Mom n auntie went to help him. We spent some time with Deb n them then drove home yesterday. The trip home seemed so long but we got home safely. 

Today has been great! We got up late. Went n got fixings for dinner n my birthday cake. Spent the day doing a whole lot of nothing. Took a nap, snuggled, ate dinner, had cake n now we're watching movies. In years past my birthday has been so blah, I usually ended up sad n thinking nobody cared. Joe cares so much about me. I love how he loves me. I am such a lucky lady daddy. 

Hmm..what else do I know? I got in an accident on the 24th. I was making a left turn, had a green light, turned left into my lane and this idiot woman turned right, into my lane and hit me. Bottom line, they tell me it was my fault cuz I turned. I think that's crap. I had the light too. She crossed two lanes of traffic and hit me. Really irks me. I don't know much else I guess. I love you. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

XoXo...

July 16

Hi dad. Having one of those I really miss you and I need a daddy hug days.  Life itself is good, just in a funk. You know how you n mom would be doing just hunky dory then one of your family or hers would have to make waves for some reason n make you wonder why the heck you stick around?  Nah. Probably not but that's how I feel right now. His bitch sister living next door bounces off our wifi for free n then is a total bitch when she's not getting her way and has the nerve to say that I'm a selfish bitch. She came over yesterday griping like she always does and stomps off, I tell myself screw her if she thinks ima keep letting her use any of our stuff especially if she ain't paying for it especially if she's gonna treat us like she does..so I got on my router website and shut down the guests wifi thing and changed my password on my regular wifi. She stomps back over n asks what happened to the wifi n I told her I didn't know cuz I haven't been online so she runs over to Joe's work pitching a fit cuz it's not working. Mind you dad, she pays us nothing to use it and screams at Joe constantly about this or that. She's just a miserable person. So she comes over with Joe when he comes home wanting to "apologize" to me... Whatever! I keep myself busy in the bathroom until she leaves and then he asks what happened to it, I act innocent..ya know I got that down pat ;)... and try "fixing" it so he can get online on his Xbox, I try n try to no avail then I crack n come clean with Joe as to what happened n what I did. I tell him it's not right how she treats us like shit when she's not getting her way and that sharing our internet drags ours down. That everyone else on it is what is making me have issues connecting to websites on my iPad. I told him she could pay some of her bills n get her own cable n internet. But if he insisted I would give her the new password. He didn't say anything, just looked at me. I figured out what the issue was on the xbox n got it working. He finally told me it would be nice if I did give it to her but he wasn't going to make me. He tells me that he wishes me n Dena could be friends. I've tried dad, believe me, but every time I try we're friendly for a bit then I look at Dena wrong way or hold my mouth to the left instead of the right and she's jumping down our throats n screams at Joe n then doesn't talk to us for several days. He told me I just didn't understand her situation but won't tell me what it is and says I probably wouldn't be sympathetic to it if I did know. I told him I played 2nd fiddle to Shaun's family for 20 yrs and I'll be damned if I was gonna do that again. I told him if his sister was more important to him then I'd leave. He told me I was The most important to him but I sure didn't feel like it and then I went to bed early cuz for one of the first times I didn't feel comfortable being around Joe. Our first real fight. :( We finally made up sorta. I'm in my funk today, he's working over at Denny's sisters house doing yard work. Dena called him when we were having breakfast n surprisingly he told her the wifi still wasn't working and he didn't know what happened to it. Hopefully he'll stick to that story cuz I really don't have any place to go to. Kansas isn't home anymore and Illinois is too cold in the winter but I wouldn't wanna stay here. So idk daddy. I just need one of your hugs to make me feel better, 

That horrible lady that was causing all the drama finally moved. We have to get her apartment ready, probably do that tomorrow. I don't know much else. I miss you dad. I love you. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

June 17, 2014

Hey there papa. 4 years ago or shall I say 1461 days, 3 hours, 53 minutes and 27 seconds ago life for all of us changed. I still remember the phone call I got from Aunt Norma, her telling me, "Mindy honey, I'm so sorry. Your dad was killed in an accident this morning...." I think she might have said more to me but I don't know. I lost it. Straight lost it. I didn't know then it was possible to shed so many tears, to hurt that bad. To want to die in that moment. You were my best friend daddy. You always listened to me go on about something that was important to me and let me just get it out. You'd let me cry on your shoulder, hug me tight and tell me everything was going to be OK but at that moment you were no longer able to. I remember the drive home to Kansas with Shaun and Robbie. I think that's the quickest I've ever gotten there. I had to get to mom to hug her, hold her. I was so worried about her and you. I wanted to see you but they wouldn't let us until we got to the funeral home. I hoped it was some sick joke, that you were gonna come around the corner any minute and everything was going to be fine. But no. It had really happened. I remember how your truck looked, the blood that had ran down the door. The air bag out. The mail on your dash. You had done your morning errands and had been to the post office but had been too early to pick up the package I had sent you for Father's Day. I went with mom and we picked it up. I remember the clerk handing it to me and me holding it so tight, bawling again. Poor Snickee not understanding why all of us were crying and so sad and you weren't there. When we came in from the sheriff's office with your things and Snick sniffing them and looking so confused that you weren't with your stuff. He's a great dog daddy. Mom has taken good care of him since you left. He's like the final piece of you left. I'm glad he's with mom to give her some companionship, someone to talk to even though he can't "talk" back. I don't wanna make this a sad day. It was a sad day but life has gone on and must go on. Last year mom and I met for lunch and it was a good day. I'm alone today but somehow I'm going to make it a good day. Joe is working and I keep my circle real small so not anyone I can really call today to hang out with. But I wanna remember the good days. The laughs we shared, the talks we had. I loved our phone calls daddy. I looked forward to them every week. I remember our last. It was the Sunday before the accident. You called me and told me you just wanted to call to tell me you love me. You had important things to do and were going to be busy all week. It's like you knew. We talked about things going on with me, nothing exciting, The last thing we said to each other was I love you and that daddy is one thing I'm so happy about. Some people part having said cross words or something they later might regret. I luckily was able to tell you one last time, I love you, if I had only known it would be THE last time.
I remember growing up and always being your sidekick. Your little helper. I remember washing your motorcycle and you told me to go turn on the hose and I slipped and fell and hit my head on the spicket right in the middle of my forehead and you carrying me in the house, laying me on the kitchen table and mom and grandma taking care of me. I always wanted to take a ride on that bike but you sold it before we could. I remember going on a family trip and you picking me up and pretending you were gonna throw me over the bridge, I had on these bright red tennis shoes. I knew you weren't really gonna do it. I always felt so safe with you. Our family trip, just us and mom. The boys were at church camp and we went to Branson. That was probably one of my favorite times. Getting you and mom to myself. The times we'd go fishing, I hated fishing but loved spending time with you, you'd bait my hook and help me cast it out. I'd sit there and reel it back in slowly and never catch anything. I remember when we were fishing at night one time and I touched the lantern and burned my hands, you wrapped my hands in a wet t-shirt until we got home and the time I got stung by a bee and you took me home and put this baking soda mixture on my leg. When we'd go to breakfast, just you and me. You eating the jelly on the table, because it was there. Dumpster diving, our roadside finds, you teasing me with possums or tell me a possum story. I'll always cherish that one last road trip we had together when you and I drove back here because I had to be home for work the next morning and I couldn't get a flight back. I have so many wonderful memories of you daddy. You were old school and you taught us your values, taught us respect and right from wrong and would correct us when we forgot and you taught us how to treat other people. You were the kindest man I had ever known. You'd do anything for anybody. I remember on one the last trips home before the accident, you and I had gone to Dillon's and there was this guy leaving and he had a bunch of groceries and was on a bike, you told him to put his groceries in the back with his bike and to get in and we took him home. I thought you had lost your mind doing this for a stranger but that was who you were. Kind hearted. You'd see a person in need and you'd step up. I see ppl and wanna lend a hand too but the way the world is you just can't anymore and that's sad. People are plum crazy dad. I could sit here all day and write about all the fun, crazy, happy and not so happy times we had but I think ima find something to do. Something that makes me smile and think of you. Thank you for being my father, and my friend. I'm beyond blessed having to had you as mine. I love you dad so much. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

June 15

Hi daddy. Today is Father's Day. I kept it together today. Better than years past, when I'd be sad and cry off and on cuz you're not here. I know you would be if you could be. Had to work this morning. We were so busy. I don't like busy. And church people. They act like we're beneath them cuz we are working and they went to church. They leave such a mess too. Almost hard to believe they've just come from church.
So, what do I know... not a damn thing daddy. Life is going good. Joe and I are still happy as clams. Bills paid, food in our cupboards, gas in the car. Have some tenants I want gone so bad but for some reason Denny is dragging his heels, saying we need more complaints from other tenants about them being disruptive. Seriously? We gave them a letter about a month ago that said basically, shut up or get out and one more complaint and they were to be sent away but even though we've gotten said complaint, he's saying now he needs more. Ugh! If the gig wasn't so sweet and our place wasn't so close to both of our jobs I'd almost entertain moving but that will be a chore and a half. We've accumulated a lot in the short time we've been together. Pretty impressive from what we started with, a bed and a TV.
Both our jobs are going good. Joe got promoted to shift manager Tuesday. I didn't think it'd ever happen. He has to wait until the new quarter starts before they start training him but he got it. He'll get his pay raise when he starts training. I'm still pleased in the position I'm in. I still want assistant manager but I don't want to have to transfer to another store if I get it, that's why I haven't gotten into the books. Don't fix what ain't broke, ya know.
Mom is going to be here Friday. I wanted to meet her halfway or maybe go to her house on the 17th but she's busy this week doing church camp. Plus we don't really have the extra money for gas and Joe wouldn't let me go alone cuz he has a lot to do around here Wednesday and can't get away. I was a little upset that we had talked and planned on meeting for lunch or something the 17th and then all of the sudden she had church camp to do. But I understand, that's mom and that's life. Mom has always found stuff to keep her busy. I don't know if she does it so she doesn't have to think about what's going on or if she just doesn't know how to light. I'm glad though she can come Friday. Tuesday it'll have been 4 years since you left. I'm taking Tuesday off, I don't know what I'm going to do but we'll be talking that day. I work Monday then I'm off until Saturday afternoon. Almost wish I could get away from here a few days but alas, I cannot. I had asked for Tuesday off, Wed/Thurs are my usual days off and Friday I asked if I could work 12-5 cuz mom won't be here until the evening but I guess she didn't need me so I'm off. I'll figure out something to do with myself.  I know nothing else. Happy Father's Day! Miss you so much. I love you dad! (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit!

May 18

Hi daddy. Ain't been here in a while. Everything is going good.

Love you. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. XOXOX