March 14

Hey papa.. I've been thinking about you a lot. Have my moments and my days. Last night thoughts of you flooded my mind as I was trying to go to sleep last night and I started to cry and had to get up to wipe my tears and blow my nose. I don't know why you're on my mind so much. I guess, just because. I sometimes think there is a glimpse of you in some of my customers. Like today this older gentleman came in and he reminded me so much of you. Dressed in a plaid long sleeve shirt and jeans. Long white beard, cheerful face. I took his order and he complained that the price was high.. as I think you probably would have too. Then when I did my table touching (checking on my customers) I asked him how he was and he said, Doing fine, darlin'.. Then as he was leaving, I told him to have a good day and come back to see us and he said, Thanks kid!  Have to say, I had to blink back the tears. It's like you were there, thanks for coming to see me today dad.
Did you see the nice desk Richard made? He did such a nice job, you'd be so proud. Glad he's found something he enjoys doing and I'm sure you are right there with him when he is working in his garage. I think all of us have you with us in certain ways. In our own ways. I wish we had you here but since I know I can't.. it's a blessing to have you the way we can. In our hearts, our thoughts, our memories, and in the glimpses of people who cross our paths each day.
Mom had her deposition last week. She said it went better than she thought it would. She was really nervous. They asked her stupid questions and she told them all she knew. I know she wants as much as all of us do for the case to be over and things to be settled and there to be some closure. Let her feel you dad.. talk to Snick and tell him to be special sweet, give her a sign you're still here.  I love you daddy.. miss you so much. I need a dad hug so badly! (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3 

March 3

Hey papa.. Happy Anniversary! I so wish you were with mom today but I know in your own way, you are. 45 years ago you two said I do.. I was always so proud to be the kid in school who's parents were still together. So many kids I went to school with parents were divorced or apart or always fighting. You and mom weren't like that. You two had your disagreements, sure.. but never to the point one of you would walk out. I always admired you two for that. You two loved each other whole heartedly and it showed. Mom is having a rough day. She's been working a lot of hours since Chris is gone right now and she's so tired. Plus today being a Saturday and your guy's day.. think the quiet is making her sadder. I told her she should take a warm bath and then snuggle with Snick. I hope she does. I hate when she's sad and I can't be there to give her a hug. :(
I told you I got started with my Scentsy stuff. I'm still pretty excited. Haven't had a lot of business yet but I made some business cards and labels for my catalogs. They look really nice. I wish you could see them. I don't know much else. We got part of Rob's senior pics. The cap and gown ones, so nice. He looks so grown up. You'd be proud. He's gonna be at mom's this summer hanging out with her. I think it'll be good for both of them. And us too. Hard to be apart but he may grow up some and mom can pass some of her life knowledge on to him. Teach him how to drive, balance a check book, give him a crash course in the working world. Can't believe it's time for him to almost jump out of the nest. I know my baby boy will fly right back home when he's done in Kansas though. He'll always have a home here. :) Guess I'll go.. here's a pic of you and mom.. see if God can get you a frame for it, k??

Again, happy anniversary.. you two were truly a match made in Heaven. I love you daddy!! (forehead kiss) Miss you so much. Talk to you in a little bit. <3

February 18

Hey papa.. Was gonna write the other night but after I got off the phone with mom I couldn't get time on the computer. I'm about to start a new venture I'm pretty excited about. I'm gonna start selling Scentsy. Scentsy is a wickless candle system.. totally much safer than a candle though.. its a warmer, has light bulb, that you plug in and put this scented wax in the top part of it and it melts the wax and then the whole house smells delish! I've been wanting to do it for a while but we haven't had the money and I haven't felt ready to try but I will have the money when I get my tax return and think maybe I need to start living again. I know you wouldn't want us just sitting around moping and lost in our grief. It doesn't mean I've stopped being sad about losing you but just think I need to stop stewing in my sadness. I know you'd want us to get back to the business of us so I'm gonna try. Anyway, about Scentsy.. I think I can do this.. Shaun told me I can do one of two things, succeed or fail.. and I'm gonna do my best to succeed. Been failing at too much lately. I need to find ppl to buy.. to have parties for me..but I think I can and I will. I can even do these things called pouch parties, I send all the stuff to who ever, where ever and they have some of the scents and catalogs and order forms and have a "party".. take it around to their friends and stuff getting orders and then in like 2 weeks they send it back to me and I put the orders in and they get free and discounted product for doing it. I can mail these pouches to anywhere.. like say, if mom got a crazy hair to do it I'd mail her a pouch and she'd take it around. Haha.. love to see mom do it. I know she won't but it'd be fun. :)

Things on the work front are OK I guess. I was ready to quit a couple weeks ago. Ready to walk right out. My morning manager was over exerting her authority we shall say. Told the GM about it and she told me to not let her get to me cuz soon enough she won't have any authority anymore. Delicious. I love it. So, I've been trying to just not let her get to me. With the new GM we have new rules and frankly I don't wanna play and told her so - the GM - and she said she's not gonna make me so it's all good. When you do your job like you're supposed to I guess it has it perks.

I don't really know a whole lot more. I told you mom closed on her house in Illinois. She said there will be a place for Snick to run and that's good. It's close to Deb's/Aunt Norma's and to all she needs.. the grocery store, McDonald's for tea, Wal-Mart. All the essential places. I'm happy for her but wish as I know she does that you were here to share in it with her. I don't know you'd be moving to Illinois, just know you'd be together where ever that is. I had a dream about you last night. Mom and Brian were in it too. I dreamed we were meeting some place, I don't know where we were but you guys were hungry and you, mom and Brian got in the truck and drove off as soon as I got there and I started to cry because I just wanted to spend some time with you guys. I'm crying and hear your voice, asking me why I'm crying and I keep crying and try to tell you and won't look up and you said, 'Young lady, look at me, why are you crying?' and as I look up to say, 'I just wanted to spend time with you guys', you disappeared. I woke up crying. Heck of a way to wake up on a Saturday morning. I just laid there for a little while thinking about the dream, wondering why mom and Brian were in it. But y'all drove off. I hope it doesn't mean something is gonna happen to the two of them cuz that's like the rest of the ppl besides Shaun and Rob I'd hate to lose. Brian can be quite a jerk at times but I love the big dork. Shaun wants his computer back so I gotta go. I love you dad. (forehead kiss) and oh how I miss you. Talk to you in a little bit. <3

February 3

Really missing you today dad. Nothing to really say. I'm looking for a new job. Sick of what's going on at Krystal now. The new manager bringing new rules and forgetting that most of the crew are adults and not 12 yr olds who need to be monitored at all times. Not to sound snooty, but I'm one of the best cashiers they got there. I've been told that by several ppl plus I know. Anyway, bringing new ppl in and treat the others like we're the new ones.. forget that. I've applied as a dispatcher at a security place. Idk if I'll get it. It's in God's hands. Rob doesn't like the hours I'll be working or that I have to drive at night to get to work.. I don't drive well at night. Be just fine if all the idiots weren't out there too. Don't know much except I miss you and wish you were here.. would love to hear your voice and you tell me to hang in there. Love you daddy. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

January 21

Hey there papa!! I guess Karma takes time but she finally got around to doing her job. Randy is no more but unfortunately Melanie is still around. I guess, from what I hear, Randy got fired.. was requested to come to the home office and was let go. But.. from other things I hear he is saying he quit. I find it hard to believe he quit a high paying job that provides hellacious benefits, one of those being a "really cool, loft apartment".. ain't no girl worth giving that up for. On her facebook page she has now added she's engaged to Randy.. guess it's no secret now. LOL! Can't believe this is the place I work. Fast food.. whoda thunk. Just hope now some of this drama.. heck.. all of this drama can end. And it also means that Melanie is fair game. The managers no longer have to worry about doing or saying something to her when she's not doing her job. 

   Rob was exempt again from finals. He has been like every year. If he has good attendance and grades he gets to miss out on finals and you know he has both. He was out yesterday and will be out on Monday too. New semester starts Tuesday. He'll have classes like Econ and Zoology. Hope he does well in them. He's doing good in school. Has 2 A's n 2 B's.. one point away from an A in one of the classes. He'll be graduating before we know it.

   Been off since Thursday. Been kinda boring. I need to find something to do with my time off. Just been doing a whole lot of nothing. Lounging about with Jake. He's a wonderful cat. He thinks when I lay on the bed he has to lay on me. I keep telling him I don't need held down but for some reason he seems to think I do. Don't really know anything. I just wanted to say hey. Haven't really talked to mom in a few days. I know she's getting ready to start her busy tax season. I think this might be the last one for her. I know it's going to be hard for her to tell her friends and clients she's done and they need to find someone else. But she deserves to enjoy her retirement.. just wish, as I know she does, that she could be spending it with you. With you here. I know she probably wouldn't be planning a move to Illinois if you were still here. But it is what it is. Not all the wishing and praying in the world can bring you back. I still find it hard to believe it's been almost 2 years since you left. A year and 7 months. How I wish you never left. I miss you so much dad. I'd better go. I love you. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

January 9

Hey papa... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
OK.. so it should be your birthday today but well, hard to celebrate with you so far away. I hope it was nice anyway. I thought about you a lot today. Every time I'd write 1/9 on any of the things I had to date today, you were right there but then I'd have to keep it together and keep working. I mentioned to Randy, our prick district supervisor that today should have been your birthday and he says, well that's cool. He doesn't understand what cool even is. You being gone certainly isn't cool, the big dumb ox!! I've lost what little respect I had for the guy cuz it's been revealed that he's been messing around with Melanie.. that slut I was telling you about last post. I guess they've gotten engaged and she's moved in with him and all this.. just ridiculous if you ask me. Sick and ridiculous. She's 29 and he's 53 and STILL married. "Working on a divorce" they say. Plus she's still playing Donnie, trying to see him on the side behind Randy's back. She is trifling!!! It's all just a bunch of drama and BS. She was to be transferred from our store to another district cuz of this little affair and we find out today she has to come back to our store until things are done "through the proper channels".. meaning that Randy was trying to get her out of the district so they could still be together and it backfired. Randy told us the talking has to stop and we have to be nice to her. Like we don't have the sense to watch our P's n Q's so we keep our jobs.. whatever we say gets back to him so we have to. Ray, Randy's boss, was in today and I talked to him a little bit. He said he may have to ask me more and I will gladly be the one who drives the nails in someone's coffin. Would love to the both of them fired. I know, bad attitude but what they are doing just ain't right. I stopped by to tell you Happy Birthday.. not bore you with all this drama. I miss you so much papa.. love you even more. (forehead kiss!) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

December 30

Hey papa!! My last post of 2011. I just wanted to stop by and say hey before we get to 2012. There are days that I still can't believe you are really not here. It's been 561 days since you went away. 80 weeks that we haven't got the joy of seeing you or hearing your laughter or felt your hugs or seen your smile. 13,540 hours since our last phone conversation and I can still remember everything we talked about and the last words we said to each other.  Yes sir.. I MISS YOU!!! I know mom does too. I'm guessing we aren't any closer to getting your case settled and I so wish we were. To give mom some peace and some closure. I know most days she is strong but she still has her days she misses you so much all she can do is cry. I totally understand that. Some days I'm just in a funk and can't get you outta my head. I think when I go to work in the mornings and there is a full moon, it's you shining down on me - letting me know that you miss me too. I like to think that anyway, true or not. Helps me cope a little I guess.
Tomorrow your #1 grandson turns 18. Can't believe it daddy. Time has FLOWN by. He's grown up to be quite a wonderful young man, but you know that. Thank you for all your guidance through the years with him. I'm honored that you got to be a part of his life for 16 years. You were such a wonderful grandpa, as fine a grandpa as you were my dad. You seemed to change from the grizzly bear you were to a docile cub almost when he came along. I still remember the silence on the phone when mom called you from the hospital to tell you he was here and what his name was. "It was written on his umbilical cord" she said.. :) He has your eye and hair color and I think he got his stubborness from both you and Shaun. I'm not sure what the next chapter of his life will be but I'm sorry you're not gonna get here to be a part of it, as least physically. I know Rob still thinks of you and misses you. He said the other day that it's nice to get cards from grandma but just not the same with your name not there. So true.
With 2012 coming I'm not going to waste my time saying that I'm gonna resolve to this or that cuz I never stick to it. I have no stick-to-it-ness.. but I can at least try to change some things in my life hopefully. Of course, one of them will be my weight. Sick of being the size I am, even though Shaun says there is nothing wrong with me.  I just stopped doing anything, hell, caring period when we lost you.  I was making some progress and thankfully haven't had that much a gain back but also unfortunately no loss either. I guess I'm to a point where I have to try again so, gonna give it another go. Wish me good mojo pops. Also gonna see what I can do about getting a better paying job or just more money coming in, whether I take a 2nd job or Shaun gets one (quit laughing). We're also talking about moving after Rob graduates. Idk where yet. We've talked about going back to Kansas, if Shaun could get the OK to drive a truck from the Dr. We've talked about us team driving. I'm sure I could do it but I am a bit intimidated by those big trucks. We thought Kansas so if Rob needed something he would be closer to family (that would help him) if we were out of town. We've also talked about moving to Florida. Some place in the middle. Away from Orlando but close enough if we got jobs at Disney.. dreaming, I know.. not near his mom though. I don't really care, just as long as we are together. Moving to FL brings it's own problems cuz it would hurt mom's feelings if we moved farther away and if something happened to her I'd be even farther away. I know, even if I was in El Dorado something could happen to her. We've also talked about just staying around here. I'm not sure where or what will be do but we will do much thinking and praying about it before we do it.
I'm on Shaun's computer and he is lurking and pacing so I guess I better go. I love you dad. Miss you too. Hope your New Year's Eve is quiet as you and mom always liked them. I will be in bed promptly at 9pm that night cuz I have to work on the 1st so I will say hello to 2012 when I wake up at 430am. Love you!!! (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3