December 12

Hey dad. It's me dad. I miss you so bad. Haven't been here in a while. I've had things to say but just get so busy with everything else. I wish I could call you. Hear your voice. Summer into fall was ok. We went to see mom in October. Surprised her n stayed a couple days. Helped her with some stuff. Joe had a job roofing but the 50 year old Joe felt everyday of it as opposed to the 20 year old Joe that could do it all day everyday it not bother him. He was in Virginia n gone a few days. He hated it he said and wanted to quit. I told him to do what was best. He got a new job at Chili's. He's a cook. He likes it. He brings me food from there. Idk if you'd like it. It's like Tex mex kind of stuff. Mom doesn't like it. 

Mom just told me she's coming for Christmas! I'm so happy cuz I thought she'd be alone. I'm so happy she won't be now. Weather permitting of course. She's going to work at H&R Block. She just got done with a tax class n was top of the class of course. 

The other day Uncle Dennis wanted my address to send me something n I got it today. It was a card n a picture of you n mom. You're standing in front of gma n gpas house. Idk when it was taken. But it's you. Daddy, he sounds like you on the phone n writes like you. Yes, it makes me cry. He calls me baby girl. I don't think he knows the feelings it stirs n how it makes me cry. I wanna talk to him but it's so hard. I haven't talked to him in years because of it. It's not his fault. It's me. He's so lonely in Topeka. He said he's just existing. That makes me sad. Guess money wise he's not doing great either. I wanted him to come this summer but he said he couldn't afford to. I'd like to get him down here to see me n Aunt Clara. Stay with each of us a couple days. I gotta see if I can make it happen. 

Idk much else. Work is going ok. I got written up for not looking in a box all the way. Makes me mad cuz I opened it, just not all the way. Supposedly we lost money cuz it was the wrong tree in the box. It was heavy like it should have been. Idk dad. I'll cry if I lose my job especially over something dumb. So now I open everything like its Christmas. Even if ppl tell me they just bought it. 

Guess I'll go. I love you daddy. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little while. 

I miss you so much. :( 

August 31

I miss you. Bubby just sent me some old pics of you n mom. Idk where they were taken but you n mom look so happy. I still tear up when I look at a picture of you a while. I start thinking about you, how I miss you, all the things you've missed, how I wish I could talk to you. Like we used to. I miss our talks. Our phone calls. Especially the random ones, the I saw something and had to tell you about it ones. Those were my favorites. The I just wanted to tell you I love n miss you ones. I cherish the special bond we had. I think after it was just you n mom, we had moved, the boys had moved we got closer. I remember how mom used to say you'd complain that'd we'd always call but never wanna talk to you. But as I recall, it was you that would always cut things short cuz you were usually watching something on tv. Lol. I loved how easy it was to talk to you. You are one of the best kind of ppl. When you don't have to sugarcoat your words or censor yourself for fear of upsetting the other.

Life is going alright papa. Joe n I have gotten back on track. I think his messing up n the possibility of losing me made him change his tune a bit. He still pretty much does what he wants when he wants but he thinks more on how I'll react or how it'll effect us in the end. As far as I know, he hasn't talked to his sister. But I'm sure he will again, someday. He's roofing now. He likes it and hates it. He has to do all the driving so that really bugs him. He works with all Mexicans. None have a drivers license. They are in Virginia this week. I miss him something awful. He n I have been together a little over 4 years and never been apart. Maybe one night but idk. Mom said if he has to travel much more I'll get used to it. Idk daddy, mom is a special breed. Women back in day got used to it n it just what it was. I know I probably eventually would but I sure don't want to. Joe said he's gonna talk to the boss when he comes back n tell him no more traveling unless he gets more an hour. He's gonna ask for at least $13 or he's gonna walk. I hope they can come to a compromise cuz we don't need Joe not working but I completely understand if he does walk. My work is going ok. I still love it. We're supposed to be getting bonuses cuz of 2nd qtr sales. I'm really hoping I get it this time. I've been there since Nov. 

I have so much more to tell you but I must go to sleep. I love you so much daddy. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

July 4

Hi daddy. Happy 4th of July. I know you didn't like this holiday. Nothing happy about it. I think my marriage is over. Now, to just figure out what the hell I'm going to do. A lot has happened since I last wrote you. Joe didn't really go to the race. He spent the day with his sister smoking crack. The entire day. I know I should have left then but he beat himself up enough about it so we moved on. But most all of June he snapped at me constantly. Anything I'd say he'd bite my head off. I was ready to leave then but with Rob coming I told myself I'd wait until after that. Then he moves his daughter in. Every and any thing I say about her is wrong. It's wrong for me to be upset about anything she's done. He said he's sick of it and had it up to here. So have I. He was going to leave last night but I started crying and he sat back down on the bed and then preceded to explain how things are going to work so she can transfer parole down here. Told me what I was going to do and not do. He told me he's going to treat Robbie the same way I treat Brittany and he can't wait to prove to me Rob is going to act just like she is. He said he doesn't have any friends because of me and I'm too much in his business so fuck it. I'll get out of his life so he can have friends and his daughter and I'll no longer be in his business. My eyes are swollen from all the crying I've done. My stomach and head hurt too. I don't know what I'm going to do. I have no reason to stay here except for my job. I think I might see how to transfer. He says he loves me more than anyone he ever has but I feel like 2 inches tall and like I'm a problem to him. He can't do all the shady shit he's done in his past relationships. I feel like he's pushing me away after we were so close when we first got together. He's says all relationships have periods like this but this has been going on since May. We fight all the time over the dumbest crap. He says I don't trust him. He's kinda fractured that trust word but I'm supposed to act like everything is fine. I don't know how daddy. I wish you were here. I need one of your hugs so bad. I can't go through 20 years of this. I stayed with Shaun because of Robbie. Put up with his crap because I didn't think anyone else would ever want me. I learned with Joe that wasn't the case. I was so happy when we got together. I don't know what happened or why we can't get it back on the rails. I'm gonna go. I love you dad. I miss you so much! (Forehead kiss) 

May 29

Hi dad. I know I don't come here as often as I did. It doesn't mean I'm over you being gone or don't wanna talk. I've learned you are everywhere with me. You're in my heart n soul and always will be. I wish Heaven had phones or visiting hours. I'd be there all the time or you'd be at least just a phone call away. Things are going OK. Joe and I are doing good. He's without a job again. He was working at a window install place and a couple weeks ago the boss met him soon as he got there and told him he didn't fit in and suggested he find something else. Felt so bad for him. His so called friend Andy who helped him get the job has stopped talking to him too. He doesn't know why and says he doesn't care. He'll find something else I know he will. He's a good man daddy. Takes good care of your baby girl. I still wish you could've met him. He could have used having a father figure in his life like you. I know you didn't always approve of Shaun's stupidity but you were always nice to him. I think though you and Joe could have been great friends. He's got common sense and uses it. He can also hold an intelligent conversation. Lol. I'm learning he's not perfect but he's perfect to me. Just like you were. Mom would get so frustrated when I'd go on about how wonderful you were. Remember? Lol. I knew you weren't perfect. But you were to me.

So how's it going up there? I like to believe you have this amazing log cabin and on the porch are two rocking chairs and you sit patiently and wait for mom. That you have this beautiful lake out in front that has impeccable landscaping and you can fish whenever you like and catch the biggest catfish. That your hips, knees and back no longer hurt and you only need your glasses to compliment your outfit not to see because your vision is again perfect. I have to believe this for my own sanity. I came across the pictures of your accident. The truck and you laid out. Still hard to look at them. 

I got my money center stuff done and am now in the money center. I love it daddy. It's usually quiet in there and I like the quiet. I truly hope I can work at Walmart the rest of my working days. I like it so much. I'm getting decent hours and good pay. No benefits except that I have a job. Thankful for that.

I'm really, really bored today. :( Joe went to Charlotte today with his sister to the race. He wasn't going to but changed his mind at the last minute. I could have gone but it didn't feel right. I don't know any of the ppl that went plus we're broke and I didn't feel right spending someone else's money but he apparently has no problem doing it. So I'm here, bored and alone. I'm just hanging out in my room, watching the race on TV. 

Mom found out she has a right bundle branch blockage. She's had tests and stuff and says she's ok. I hope she truly is. I worry so much about her. I can't lose her daddy. I know you need her too but I just pray we get to keep her a while longer. She just got back from seeing Richard. I guess had fun. Didn't really talk about it. I'm hoping to see her on June 20th. I have to work on the 17th. I haven't worked on June 17 since you left, it's been 6 years. I guess it's time. It's hard getting time off from work anyway. You'll definitely be on my mind. You always are. 

Rob is coming in July. I'm excited but also a little meh about it. He doesn't talk to me much and I think it's going to be awkward. He doesn't like Joe and I'm all about Joe. I just hope they get along and Rob isn't disrespectful to him. Joe would take it but not for long. There's times I wish that I had met Joe sooner so he could have been an influence to him. I think it would have done Rob good. But I know S would have gotten his mom to help fight to keep Robbie. Oh well. It is what it is. I don't know much else. Guess I'll go. I love you dad. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

March 22

Hi dad. I miss Rob a lot. Ain't seen his punk ass since he left almost 3 years ago. April 1 will be 3 years. I never thought he'd leave for one and two, that he'd never come back. I think I was a good mom to him. He was the air I breathed. He n I were so close and now our relationship is not what it was and probably never will be again. He likes to blame it on Joe. Says Joe is the issue but part of me thinks maybe I did mother him too much. Smothered him with too much love, if that's possible. I don't know papa, I just know I miss my son. And you. I miss you something awful. If you were here you could maybe talk some sense into him. He said he might come in July. I hope he does, I doubt he will though. 

I've been working on the family tree stuff. I've found out so many interesting things. I wish you were around so I could tell you about it and ask you things. I've been asking Uncle Dennis about your kin and he said he didn't know anything and keeps referring me to Aunt Nonie. I don't want to talk to her. Lucretia contacted me on FB, I guess cuz UD told her I was asking stuff and told me she'd tell her I had questions. I told her I'd be OK. I had that family tree stuff Uncle Virgil had given us but it's all Greek to me. I haven't come across any of the ppl in it yet. I don't know where they fall in the line. I'm looking mainly for direct blood relatives, not every single person. Ppl's spouses and children, that stuff, though interesting kinda throws me off track. I need to get a notebook and write down what I got or print out what I have. You might be impressed with all I've found. It's a lot. 

I started my new position the other day. Last night I closed service desk by myself. I think I did alright. I have to get the money center learning stuff done asap cuz I start over there on Saturday. Idk when I'll have the time though cuz I have to do them on the clock. I'm sure I'll get them done, just don't know when. 

Mom is quitting her job at the laundry mat. The owner n her daughter are being bitches to her. Momma doesn't deserve to be treated like that at all. Makes me wanna smack the lady. Mom n auntie were there when no one else were, even the daughter. When Karen was sick n couldn't be there, they were. Not the daughter. I really hope mom will be ok without the extra money. She thinks she will if she's careful. I don't know what that means. Idk if it means, ho hum I'll eat cold beans and use candles to save energy so I can pay my bills or if it means she just can't do as much traveling and spending. I worry about her daddy. I wish she was 10 minutes away, not 6-1/2 hours. I know she's where she wants to be, I just wish it was here. I made her promise me that when she can no longer take care of herself she come live with us, she did but I don't expect it to be for quite a while. I know though mom is a very strong willed, independent person. I wonder if the money Uncle Al was to invest for y'all is worth anything if she needs it. Hmm. Idk papa. Keep an eye on her, OK? I love you. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

March 8

Hi papa. It's been a minute since we've talked. How goes it in Heaven? Down here all hell is breaking loose. Ppl done lost their minds. Donald Trump n Hillary Clinton are front runners for president. Lord help us all. I have not much of an opinion about the election except we are so screwed if either of these idiots get elected. Hillary will give us 4 more years of the same crap Obama has put us through. She reminds me of that horrible substitute teacher you hoped you'd never get because she just yells and treats everyone as if they are the idiot when it's her that doesn't know squat and Donald will surely lead us into the next world, if not, civil war. He's so awful. Such a biggot and so rude. There will be a race war for sure. You would be shocked if you saw some of the things they've ok'd and society has accepted nowadays. Sodom n Gomorrah is surely happening again. The day's gonna come and ppl are gonna be rudely awoken and reminded who's in charge. 

Mom is on her way home from being here and in Florida. She came February 20th with auntie. They were here for the weekend then drove to Florida. They went to Sea World and Disney. Then auntie flew home and mom stayed and she went to a quilt retreat with a bunch of other ladies. Pampered herself n had a grand time. I was so happy that she got to go do it. She deserved to spoil herself a bit. She worked so hard for so many years as you know. She stopped and saw your sister Sunday. She gave mom some pictures of you when you were a kid. You were so handsome and they reminded me of Rob. And those blue eyes. I always loved your blue eyes. Like windows to your soul. I miss you so much daddy. Oh the talks we'd have if only we could. How I miss our weekly phone calls.  Snick was an utter trial while she was away. He wouldn't go out for us unless we drug him outside then would stand at the door and look at us like why am I out here? He is a sweet puppy but not gonna lie, I'm glad he's gone home. I wish mom could have stayed longer but I know she had to get home. I enjoy when she's here. The older I get the more I just want time with her. Even if we just hang out and fall asleep on the couch together. I cried a little after she left. I don't usually cry when she leaves but idk, just teared up a bit saying goodbye to her this time. Idk when I'll get to see her again. Probably the summer or fall. 

Things with Joe are good. I'm still happy. Just days I'm not. I feel at times he's a bit controlling and things have to be just so. Like I don't have a voice and my opinion doesn't count. If I voice my opinion, he scoffs and says I'm being silly. I do things his way to avoid conflict. In the end it doesn't really matter and overall I'm much happier than I used to be. Life is much better than it was before with S. Past couple months have been kinda hard because he quit BK but we've made it thru. Bills are paid and there's food to eat. The essentials. We'll both be happy when we're able to start saving money again along with having the essentials. He just started a new job installing windows in buildings. It's outside work and he loves being outside. He was able to get his drivers license back and also got a vehicle with the help of our landlord. We owe the landlord like close to 5 grand but Joe thinks we can get him paid back pretty quick. Idk. I need to get mom paid back as well. 

Things at my job are good. I'm so enjoying it. I've always wanted to be a cashier and now I am and I love it. They are working getting me trained for service desk n hopefully soon for the money center where I'll be able to cash checks and do money orders. 

Ya know, it's been almost three years since I've seen Robbie. April 1 it will be three years. I never thought when he drove off that day I'd never see him again. My sweet baby boy. He n I were so close and now our relationship is nothing like it was. I think it would be quite awkward if I got to see him, sorta strained. I would hope it wouldn't be but it might. It's just like he doesn't have the time for me when he calls. He drones on about things I don't understand. I tell him a little about what's going on with me and then when I start asking questions he's got to go like he doesn't want me to know things. Idk, it's just awkward and annoys me.  I guess if I think about things it all boils down to I'm not in charge of anything anymore and I don't know how to handle it sometimes. I feel unwanted and not needed by, frankly, everyone. Ppl say they want me around but there are times I feel it would be best for everyone if I wasn't. I'm just existing but idk what for. Some ppl may read more into that then there is. I'd never check out, I'll just go along and keep my mouth shut. 

I've had an awful cold for two weeks. Keep spitting n blowing out this awful green yuck. Just want it to go away. I love you daddy. I miss you so much. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

February 28

I sure miss you daddy. 

(Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.